First of all, I have never been more excited to share my
story. Just moments ago, while I was in the shower, (seems where I can be most
REAL, honest and even creative.. symbolic in a way ay? nothing to cover up and
hide under..EXPOSED) Anyways.. God
broke it to me, but for MY benefit and for HIS glory. I don’t know what
actually brought up the thought, but I was thinking how we are our own worst
critics. ----
We know it’s wrong to judge others, but have we ever thought
that it’s just as bad to judge ourselves? Guilty? Say I. I!!!
Humans, especially women, fight self-esteem issues on a
day-to-day basis and the devil wants nothing more than to destroy our minds of
the truth! You’re not pretty enough, No
one likes you, Don’t eat that you’ll get fat, You’re not like them, You don’t
fit in, You have this this this and this health problem..and the evil list
of hate goes on.
I’ve constantly battled believing the lies from the enemy
(he knows our strongholds very well) and the truth from our loving God. HE doesn’t
want the perception we have of ourselves to be any different than HIS
perception of us. We are each unique.
----About a week ago, I found old recorded videos at my
Dad’s house that me, my brother, and our friends had made when we were younger.
They were funny, so I’d laugh and what not. However, being the critical self I
knew to be, I sat there in somewhat disgust. Ew listen to my voice. I look like a heifer. I look like a dike. I
thought those things and even said them aloud for everyone to hear. Sounds
silly right? I mean I was just a kid… so you may be thinking, “WHO CARES??” I
know, I know. But it comes from deep inside me.. I have built up a hate for
myself over the years.----
It’s hard to remember what I was actually thinking when I
was younger, but I do remember the shy, timid Kalynn I was and never really
grew out of. I know that I never felt good enough. I strived to “act right and
do right” (as my Dad’s mantra still rings in my ear) and be the best at what I
did, but I still felt like someone was always better than me. Now I don’t blame
or resent my parents for their parenting, because no one is perfect! With the
couple of psychology classes I have taken, I can’t help but look back and
dissect my childhood though. The past is one way of explaining the reasons for why
we are the way we are today. So #1. I feel like the need to be perfect in many
areas started young. Also, I don’t ever remember hearing or seeing my mother
love her body in front of me. I don’t remember hearing her hate it either… As I got older though, I heard it more and
more… What she did not like about herself versus positive affirmations. I heard
it from the women in my family too. They would talk about what was wrong with
them and each one would feed off the negative comments and it became a cycle… a
chain of hate for oneself. Point #2 I didn’t see or hear older women in my
family love themselves and their bodies. They were my influences. Not in the
most positive way, but being so young it was what I knew.
Again, no one is to blame here. I don’t shun or fault
anyone. Because they too must’ve learned it somewhere. Somewhere we lost
ourselves. We thought we were those lies presented to us. Whether it be from
people, media, or in our minds… the devil can use whatever he knows best to
skew how God perceives you. But God says no. STOP! YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
----As I was showering, I thought back to a few days ago as
it applies to how I criticized myself while watching the old videos. My aunt,
who is beautiful inside and out, was showing us a video she made of my dad
building us a fire pit. She made a comment about her voice in the video, just
as I had done. It makes me cringe to hear people talk bad about themselves and
quite honestly I get mad. Mad at our enemy and sad for the person. It just
showed me how we can still be affected with the devils lies throughout many
years of our lives. We finally have to know the difference between what the devil
feeds us and what we know to be true. The truth is instilled in us, we just
bury it, covering it up with negativity and again.. those stinkin’ lies.----
So as I got older, I became more and more critical of
myself. I had a negative body image; I focused on the flaws instead of what I
liked about myself. My sophomore year of high school is not a year I exactly
love to remember or talk about. However, I try to embrace it the best that I
can.. and that part gets easier each and every day.. because I cannot erase and
re-do. Every experience no matter how minute, changes us. The point is to
learn, grow, and evolve for the better. We become stronger because of it.
That year I developed an eating disorder. I was finding
myself because apparently I didn’t know who I was.. It began when I chose to be
a vegetarian.. for all the wrong reasons. I lost weight because I did not know
how to properly compensate the nutrients I was losing. I was getting complements from people.. as if their opinion validated my
lifestyle.. sadly, it did. I quickly became obsessive to the point of eating
from a scary 500-600 calories per day. I continued to drop weight and became very very
thin. My interests changed and I drew away from people. The best way to
describe how I felt in one word would be numb
and deep down inside I knew this was not who I was. It is truly a disease.. one
that is seriously detrimental to ones health. I was pitiful mentally,
physically, and emotionally. It is a disease because I was still very unhappy
with my body. I honestly hated looking
at myself in the mirror, but I didn’t want to change how I ate either, because
I didn’t want to be fat.
I think there were a lot of prayers for me to be healthy..
My family was obviously concerned, but I was too stubborn to seek help from a
doctor so I finally chose to simply eat more. Within the same year, I gained my
weight back plus more. I gained weight, hooray! but how? eating crap, that’s
how.. and a lot of it in a significantly short amount of time. This is known as
binging. Also horrible for your health. So wow, I went from one extreme to the
other.
I was always struggling to find a healthy balance
afterwards. I thought eating a salad and running on the treadmill for a half
hour was healthy. I’d limit myself
with boring food and then when I gave in and allowed myself to eat something sweet, I gave up on my health all
together. Okay, listen up..Hear ye hear ye.. a diet refers to the foods one
consumes. The word diet over the
years has developed a negative connotation. When people use the word diet as
it’s something they are going on, it irks me. It’s the whole “let me gorge
myself today, and I’ll just start my diet
tomorrow.” It never works. I understand, I get it.. I was once there. I
would teeter-totter with my diet all the time, eventually ending up where I
started. No good, no good at all.. and when you diet its an automatic set up for failure. I have recently.. within
this past year developed a healthy lifestyle. It has been a journey to get
here, but I am so so happy!! It takes a lifestyle change, not a diet. I love the food I eat and have
finally developed a healthy relationship with food. So clean eating and getting
creative with it, is a passion of mine. It is so tasty, I don’t miss those fast
food places. Yuck, sorry I'm not sorry. Also, I work out.. like a
mad woMAN. Another passion of mine. I lift, I take aerobic classes here and
there, I lift, I cardio, I lift.. you get the picture.. I weight train like no
body’s business. “I hate that good feeling after a successful workout,” said no
one ever. That good feeling is the release of endorphins. Yeah, I’ll blame it
on them. I’m an adrenaline junkie.. to a degree. But it’s important to know
when you are doing too much. When you are tired, rest! You’re body will thank
you later. You need to rest regardless, to prevent injury, exhaustion, and rest
allows for you’re muscles to grow! I went through a period of time where I was
working out way too much, and I was starting to feel depressed. So there’s
moderation for everything! Just educate yourself!
People may judge me for the way I live, but because I’m so
gosh dern happy with myself, their opinion doesn’t matter. Don’t let what
people say or think determine you’re choices. Because I’m not eating McDonalds
with you or that piece of cake doesn’t mean I have given up things. That’s a
negative way to look at it. I have gained a healthy lifestyle. And going back
to the diet thing.. Yeah I don’t always eat perfect, I like chocolate and wine,
Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities… you get it. But when you’re on a diet
and you slip up, you usually feel
very guilty. So you may deprive yourself.. skip a meal here and there. I don’t
do this anymore. Never ever skip meals!!
It took me a while to get it. I’m no expert by any means and it doesn’t
take one. We all know how to eat healthy, and that exercise is good for us. We
just have to apply it and make it a lifestyle we choose to live.
----I'm no longer bound!!!! GOD said you will break this
curse! And I have never “felt” him smile
so big (a term my mother uses, which describes this so perfectly) At 21 years
old, I have never been happier. I feel like I finally know what I am doing with
my life, but eager for anything God has for me. Speaking of, my relationship
with God has become so much stronger. With my brother’s accident back in August
2012 (story I’m saving for another day), life has really been put into
perspective. This brings me to my amazing boyfriend, Blake, who supports me in
everything I do. He’s my high school sweetie and there’s never been a time when
he hasn’t stuck by my side. We have been through a lot together within the past
year and our relationship has never been stronger. I love you so much! Lastly,
but certainly not least, my family. We have always been each others support
system but have recently become so close. I come from a divorced family, but we
have finally been able to interact in what should be awkward situations much
more naturally and civilly. We’ve been through some stuff.. to simply put.. the thick and thin.. but we overcame it!
All of which is because of GOD. Thanking him! What more perfect time to share
this with you than the start of a new year? I haven’t really made a new year’s
resolution.. because its not really necessary. Although I didn’t break one of
2012’s resolutions, which was abstain from using the tanning bed. Wooohooo!
Nasty, costly, and not to mention bad for you’re skin. This year and for all
the years to come I just plan to grow grow grow. learn learn learn. and become
the best ME. I still have a lot to work on!!
Although I have been wanting to write (type) about this part
of my life, it was today that I felt most compelled.. obviously. It took
knowing God’s truth and what he says about me and taking that and actually
believing it whole-heartedly!
RADICAL SELF-LOVE BABY…
…It
is never too late!
Much love.
