Famous in my Father's Eyes

Somewhere, along the way, I lost the heart behind my intentions and the truth in my motives compared to when I had first “started.” …when I took that initial step in admitting/displaying my story for everyone to see because truly, I had accepted myself for who I was in my past and who I was in the present. I started to finally believe who I was in Christ. I was in a good place.  However, over time that seemed to slowly vanish or at least I started to carry a façade that festered on itself deeper and deeper. It was a slow and steady walk in the wrong direction; I had forgotten all the truth behind the reasons why I loved everything that I did.

There’s this quote that I came across just recently: “Doing something good with the wrong intentions is not a good thing.” Or something very similar to that, but regardless, it makes a great point; it even instilled a great “ick” feeling in my gut. I felt convicted right then and there.

 And that was definitely not my first of convictions.

I remember God first speaking truth to me in this particular part of my life (which I will soon make clear …) I was at the gym awhile back ago having a conversation with a very dear friend of mine, who at the time, I was just starting to get to know. We were on the topic of physique competitions and after the hype of having lost weight and gaining a little muscle I was completely interested in entering into one. I even went to a show just to experience it second-hand before making any rash decisions. I thought it was great, and tried to justify that it was just another side of displaying beautiful “art.” …Okay…making my body a piece of art…and for what? some award? a round of applause? so I could go to sleep with a bigger head that night? That’s just how I look back on it now and it makes me want to hide under the sheets to see how much I was into body image. Confidence is one thing, but my ego had taken a step over the edge. But thankfully I hadn’t quite fallen fully, thanks to my friend, the angel she is spoke truth into my life over that subject. She didn’t wrong me or make me feel guilty. No. Because her words were spoken from the heart of her spirit, I wasn’t condemned. “Vanity” …that’s the word that did it. And if I remember anything, it wasn’t the sentence it was spoken with, it was the love I felt from God in her bringing such truth. God wanted to keep me humble, and I think if I were to compete, I would lose that. Wow, I just throw my head back and say THANK YOU, GOD! It was exactly what turned me away. And He knew it wasn’t going to be my first rodeo. But with some words of hope and a glimpse into my current state of utter joy, the merry-go-round is surely making its way back around to the core of my purpose.

So, okay, no competing for Kalynn. Whew, that was close… yet there was still a problem with what I was doing. I was using Instagram and Facebook… social media…as a platform to display my body. At first, I thought the likes were to bring inspiration and motivation for those on a fitness journey and obtaining a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to inspire women and young girls even to love themselves enough to feel great in the bodies they have been given. Ultimately I had hoped to positively impact others with my personal story. And still do, of course. Unfortunately, with time, I got caught up in the looks and am honestly ashamed in my twisted thinking. I remember my first transformation picture. I was very proud of my hard work and dedication in achieving a greater, healthier self. But then I started posing in less and less clothing. How does that differ from competing on stage? I think the audience on social media is far greater, to be blatantly honest. Call it what you will, but if I didn’t admit that a major portion of that intention wasn’t to seek validation or a boost in my self-esteem, I would be lying to you. Take into account that I was recently single, so the attention I received made me feel “pretty” again…Somebody worthwhile. Wow, that is incredibly sad to admit, but it is the upmost truth. Hard truth, but there has been a lot of growth in coming to realize this.

Well, I fell into that pitiful cycle for some time and it became more and more convicting as the posts continued. I was loosing myself. How could I end up in the very place I thought I had been fully, 100 percent delivered from? It doesn’t always work that way; the trials teach us and reveal more and more about ourselves and what our strongest areas of weakness are. I was finding out that validation from anybody or anything other than from God is a complete source of destruction to my health overall. I was on a vicious cycle of a downward domino effect of self-hate and I felt like as much as I expressed this, I was the only one in the world with this problem. I let my environment and certain circumstances affect me, to the point of falling into that same terrible lifestyle I once knew… all the insecurities were being laid right back out for me to believe. And so I did. I believed them because I wasn’t leaning on God like I should have… “IIIII was going to make it right, IIIII just knew it…”
Eh, wrong. There were times I thought I would never binge eat after completely feeling awful in doing so. I’d go weeks just to fail myself again. There were many a times of feeling sorry for myself for being a homebody and then allowing the devil to meet me there in the darkest of lonely places and whisper lies like “you’re not important anyway,” “you can’t expect a relationship like that, you expect too much,” “YOU. ARE. TOO. MUCH.” and boy did he have his way for some time. But God turned those words *YOU ARE TOO MUCH* and broke the negative connotation Satan decided to give it. God said, “You are too much- of too much worth to be in darkness, to be in such great sin that has you so down from fulfilling the purpose I have dreamt up for you.

“You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do no belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled.” -1 Thessalonians 5:5-6

“This is the message that we have heard from Him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” -1 John 1:5-7

I was lying and not living by the truth. Instead of putting on my full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17) I turned to the world, using social media or what have you as  instant gratification to counteract my insecurities… portraying the opposite of how I really felt so I could feel better about myself …medicate an issue that ONLY The Lord could conquer. The chains are breaking, baby! This I do know: one by one I’m feeling free-er and free-er ;) thanks to Jesus!

Kylie Bissutti’s story in her book, “I’m no Angel” was the final conviction. (the book ironically enough, given to me by a true angel! The same angel previously mentioned!)

 ***sidenote***: I cannot thank God enough for blessing me with people such as her. I have my mom who prays over me consistently and who I can share every thing and any thing with. Which is great and I love her dearly. I have also been given the chance to meet other older, wiser, women of faith who bring light to my darkest places. I’ve never been more grateful for that. I was compelled to share a little bit of my struggle with another lady (who I met at the gym, of course) and she instantly said that the eating disorder, B, C, and D. all the above… were from the pits of hell and you’re not going to claim them. I wanted to cry and thank her for such a powerful truth. I’ve never been more grateful for these relationships…for them and their prayers!!

In short, the book is about how Kylie decided to give up being a VS model to become a Proverbs 31 wife. I instantly was engaged the moment I picked it up and read her story. It was truly amazing and really brought great perspective on my life. I no longer felt compelled to post anymore “body shots” for cheap attention. The attention I had been receiving was starting to become dirty in my eyes (I brought it upon myself so I know I am the only one to blame). The choice instead now is to honor The Lord with my body. “I was encouraging people to look at me in a way that wasn’t godly. Plus, I was taking something God intended to be sacred between a husband and wife and making it public.” –Kylie’s words. (which I highlighted the heck out of). I want that so badly, a marriage brought together by God, yet I was being impatient so I resorted to short-lived attention. I’m already feeling sorry for my husband, whoever you are. Like, it’s making me sad that I stooped that low. I wish I could take a lot of things back, I really do, but I’ve learned a great deal!

There was also another impacting conviction I forgot to mention. It really moved my heart and it was a video I watched awhile back ago “I will wait for you” by spoken poet, Janette ikz. It wasn’t necessarily about body image as much as it was about becoming a Proverbs 31 woman and waiting for God’s best, specifically in companionship. I definitely was encouraged and God was “creating in me a pure heart, and renewing a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10) And I was starting to believe His words in 1 Peter 3:3-4 ...my beauty comes from within. Also I was starting to grasp that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. THAT is the only way I can treat my body kindly. I have to put that truth and even speak it out loud sometimes when I am tempted.

Through all of this, I have become more comfortable at being Kalynn, because I know I am loved with a love unshakeable. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8) I’ve learned that I still have a passion for seeing people rise and become their best, healthiest self. I’ve learned that I don’t want to go to the gym to sculpt a body solely for its looks. I want to have fun in my training, becoming strong all-around, which is why I’m finally starting to pick up crossfit and Olympic lifting and can I just say, I’M. IN. LOVEEEE!!! Okay, yeah like five hundred kazillion weaknesses were brought to light... like wall climbs, what in the world!? But that makes me excited! I have goals now, and I think this is the fitness path I won’t ever regret. I have hopes that I will make wiser decision when fueling my body, as the workouts need the correct foods, sleep, etc to perform at best. Now I feel like there is a purpose in making sure I’m getting the correct macros and micros; whereas before, I felt like I was counting them to “diet.” Which we all know is so easy. “Its like riding a bike, and the bike is on fire, and the ground is on fire, and everything is on fire, because you’re in hell.” haha but seriously that’s no way to live. Also, with viewing my body as a temple, and letting God lead me, I’m sure I’m on my way of being delivered of past sin!! I’m just in an incredibly good place and I hope to really be aware of my intentions every moment of the day. I know I’m only human, but now that I know better, I will do my very best at being better. Glory to God for this revelation. I couldn’t have come to it on my own!!

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praise worthy –think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace be with you.”-Philippians 4:8-9

With much much love, as always,

Me. XO