When Hurting People Hurt You

my feelings are indicators not dictators

{what to do when hurting people hurt you}

i carry this key tag to help keep me inspired, to remind me of the harm of what coming unglued¹ can do. i had the option of four tags each with different quotes, and i felt this one {overall} best describes the conscious choice we have to make in our daily encounters to either respond or react. i tend to approach matters more from an emotional standpoint than with an intellectual perspective. i feel deeply and for many years i let sensibility work against my favor and that of those around me. Whatever was conflicting me internally had no means of filter for what was expressed externally. Most times the hurt i would feel came out in a wrath of anger. What’s worse is not many people saw that side of me, except for the ones i love most. Maybe because i had come to accept their love… being something like Jesus’…unconditional of some sorts, and therefore approval to be totally reactive and explosive {hm…keep that in mind, we’ll come back to it} It’s amazing to reflect on that part of my past because what Satan intended for evil, God, as Master Weaver and Master Builder, redeemed for good. Can i get a “so be it” to the work of the Almighty? Amen again and again! He has and continues to develop my character, strengthen my inner peace and make me new in Him day by day.

We can look at Joseph’s story -from the Bible- as a testament to God’s redemption plan for His children. I quote Max Lucado (as he says it best): “You are a version of Joseph in your generation. You represent a challenge to Satan’s plan. You carry something of God within you, something noble and holy, something the world needs- wisdom, kindness, mercy, skill. If Satan can neutralize you, he can mute your influence. The story of Joseph is in the Bible for a reason: to teach you to trust God to trump evil. …In God’s hands, intended evil becomes eventual good.”²

While the details of Joseph’s journey do not exactly match my personal story that i am going to share with you, the message is the same: that God uses our mess for good. Furthermore, the extent and brutality of his hardships encourages me to get outside myself when i think i got it bad. “Abandonment led to enslavement, entrapment, and imprisonment. He was sucker-punched. Sold out. Mistreated. People made promises only to break them. Offered gifts only to take them. If hurt is a swampland, then Joseph was sentenced to a life of hard labor in the Everglades. He’d be the first to tell you that life in the pit stinks. Yet, for all its rottenness, doesn’t the pit do this much? It forces you to look upward. Someone from up there must come down here and give you a hand. God did for Joseph and at the right time, in the right way, He will do the same for you.”²

***Before i begin to share, i encourage you to acknowledge that the presence of God is with you right now. If His Holy Spirit has led you here to read, i believe there is something He wants to say to you specially. If you need a moment…take it. Pray, be still and listen, turn on some music and worship Him. Hey, all three is great too! Whatever you need to do to so He can prepare your heart, do that. Lord, prepare our hearts.

-i actually have a suggestion. If i knew how to add background music to this post i would. But i think it’d be cool to read along with this song. i hope you enjoy!

At the end of last year, i was not exactly happy. Generally speaking, i was hurting and depressed but at a level that i was able to still function; it was a forced state of daily routine. This is not to have anyone’s pity but instead, it’s said in order to be real with you. i am quite thankful for that dark season because God allowed it to show me and teach me (through trial and testing) where my worth comes from; it’s derived from His very Word and not from carnal minds.

Thursday, September 24^th… “A Work Day That Was Going Great!” After recognizing my frustration caused from the traffic in my hour long car drive to my first client’s home, i took that as an indicator to pray, especially considering the schedule for that day. i asked God to give me His strength to endure the day placed before me…in my journal i wrote this, (but i’ll paraphrase)…my client happened to be there when i arrived and God showed me He was with me. His peace settled me. My client and i talked before i got to cleaning and she gave me a huge hug and said “i just love you!” God really knew what i needed to feel loved, special and appreciated in that moment because instantly i was renewed. (it’s the simple things, i swear, that fill the heart). i also believe God orchestrated that morning as preparation for what was ahead. i believe He put it on Carol’s (my client’s) heart to show me kindness and to give me lenience (an assumption because her home was more than “picked up” and she hadn’t left me any specific requests). With all of that said, i was in a really good mood! My lifted spirit had energized and fueled me for my next job also.

…the next part of that day is where i get hesitant in sharing. i relive- in some sorts- the same feelings i felt which ironically enough, flags an indicator i am still moving forward, healing in this area…

As i am finishing up at my second house (happy, peppy, cheery –mind you), the husband of my client, remarks “i’m shocked!” i respond, “shocked? how come? ” still all smiles J …

“You’ve put on a lot of weight!” (he says, in the upmost condescending tone)

i try to not let it break me so i go with it. The fact that his comment held some truth, also kept me from arguing (amongst remaining professional).

But it didn’t stop…even after admitting that i had in fact put on some weight. i said “i am working on it.”

it was thrown right back in my face that it wasn’t just some… “Why??” (he hissed)

(the tone i perceived was one of disgust. disappointment. …not honest concern for my well being.)

as nobody came in to take my defense, i felt trapped. belittled. stuffed into a “catch- all closet” nobody ever opened. (this is what i wrote) “a closet that kept piling up with useless things.” I felt like a useless thing…not a person, but a thing. …degraded.

He proceeded to tell me that their new home had a lot of construction dust for me to clean…insinuating i would have a lot of physical activity to get me “moving”

i was speechless. i was starting to see red. hot tears began forming underneath my eyelids. And so… i walked away.

Finally, she came as my voice. His wife said “Okay, stop you are going to hurt her.” I turned around and tried to be stern in my response, but I could only muster up words that came out cracked and shaky “yes, that was really rude.” The cry following completely caught me off guard. It was honestly uncontrollable…a clear indicator i had not only been extremely hurt but that i had suppressed some deep feelings…swept them right under the rug and saved them for that moment.

She came to the bathroom to consul me and it was genuine. In that particular moment i allowed my flesh to overrule and it sure enough failed me. i tried to make a quick attempt to gather the pieces of my shattered heart off the floor of her bathroom as she diverted the conversation to causal talk. i had no interest in being fake. i needed a moment with God, but did i do that? No. i was flustered. And her means of changing the subject…oh, it couldn’t have been a worse topic “do you have a boyfriend?”

the flood came again. And whether i perceived it to be selfish on her part, i wasn’t reminding myself of God’s Word “for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood…”

She again tried to divert the conversation, this time wanting assurance i wasn’t going to cancel business with them…she brought up the dire need she had for her new home to be cleaned before the move in date. In that moment, the devil used that and said “she doesn’t care about you; she just wants to know if she is going to have her home cleaned.” In hindsight, i now find her comment/question comforting… She didn’t want to lose me. (God, the Master Weaver)

PSST…come close. That’s another victory for God!

Eventually, the Spirit of Truth kicked in and i looked in those bathroom mirrors and started affirming myself with God’s idea of me. He says: Kalynn, you are made in My image, sweet daughter. I AM El Roi. I AM the God of Hagar and I AM the God who sees you. I see your struggles. I hear your cries. Don’t you know you are beautiful! Say it. You are worth more than sparrows. You are worth more than gold. And you are waking up every day and fighting through. You were made for more than this. Hard pressed on every side, but you do it girl, you keep going. I AM Emmanuel-I am here with you now. Come into my wings. I will lift you up and you will soar. Keep running the race, fighting for the prize that is in your Lord Jesus. This mess will be your message because first, I have overcome and second, you have victory in Me. Hold on, babygirl. I won’t let go. You don’t need to live for applause; you’re already so adored. (Now, okay, this is not verbatim and yes, there is some added emphasis. That’s because i sit here recounting that moment, i see that poor girl as any- another sister struggling with the very same battle. i sit here more confident because of that very hard day and i cheer her on…i cheer you on because I know, my sister, you are about to get through. God had her back! And He most definitely has yours! Do. Not. Give. Up.

…And if the words won’t come and you don’t know what to say, just say “Jesus”.³

“Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” (Romans 8:26)

“The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18)

“…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name: You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I AM the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...” (Isaiah 43:1-3)

---i could seriously write that whole chapter out. SO comforting!---

Once i could talk again, i told her that while i didn’t hold anything against either one of them, her husband had hit a very sensitive area in me- being that i have struggled with issues with my weight and eating disorders and yah-de-yah-de-yah. How could i hold him accountable for a past he knew nothing of? Even if his comment was rude, regardless, the way i came unglued¹ was a sure tale sign i wasn’t immersing myself with God’s truth. Having a Bible is like having a gym membership. It’s only beneficial if we use it. Applying God’s Word is completely different from reading God’s Word. And here is what has significantly transformed me. Bowing down, humbling myself before the Lord. Laying my heart, my hurt, my confusions, my anger, my disappointments …every bit of me and my pride down at His feet. Ridding myself of “me” to be filled with Him. Yes, well “He already knows my heart” you may say. Of course. But He is your friend. Don’t you feel more intimate with someone when you talk and communicate those things that you rejoice over and those things that are bothering you? Jesus wants to hear us. That’s part of free-will. He wants us to choose Him first. Relationship is every thing to Jesus. He gave Himself. Literally, as a living sacrifice that we may live. But that’s only the beginning. The beauty i find in being a follower of Christ is an intimacy like no other person, place or thing...has, can, or will ever be able to provide for me. Jesus is enough. While God wants to bless us, He wants us to stay grounded when we receive His gifts. “Thank You, Lord. i praise You for Your abundance. ‘They’ are still not mine, ‘they’ are yours.” I am learning that what He gives me can easily take precedence over Him if i am not steadfast. Those “things” can be taken away faster than they were given. (For my good, of course). i can say this with absolute confidence that every loss has been a true blessing in disguise. Thank You, Lord for Your grace which drew me in even closer. I am thankful. This is the unconditional love i said we would come back to. i think of my lashing out and how my family never disowned me. i think of marriages with infidelity or relationships where cheating has occurred, and yet the other chooses to forgive despite the bullet in his/her heart. How much more does God hurt when i turn my back on Him? The One who gave me life and a new day? It breaks His heart. i know the deep wounds caused by rejection and i didn’t die on a cross for that person. Yet God sent Jesus to save us. The gift… The offering doesn’t fade. What grace. What unconditional love. Broken, shattered, abused, addicted, messed up, tore up from the floor up, wretch, yet He says “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls, For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

I recently learned about that work “yoke” A yoke would string two animals together. The work load they could carry would then double. Two are better than one.  If one animal was more strong than the other, it would help move them at their pace. (a compromise of strength where the other was weak). I believe Jesus is telling us that. Walk beside me and I will carry you. Watch How I work and wait to see it all unfold-beyond your wildest dreams; your faith in Me will grow; your faith will increase and you will be made new…more and more in My image; you were made to do hard and holy things. For where you are weak, I am strong.

Jesus put Himself in our shoes. He knows. It breaks His heart to see you hurt. Run to Him. Seek His face. Fall hard into His strong arms. He is the lover of your soul.

…

i don’t mean to harp on the issue but hopefully in sharing, this just reiterates that there is no quick fix in the different battles we all face. No matter how small they may seem to others, they are big to you and therefore, they are big to God. BUT they are not bigger than God and He will take His time to heal you.

Immediately, of course, i wanted to come home and tap my fast and furious 10 fingers across the keyboard and get to blogging. But God said no. He said: you know that is coming from a place of bitterness. If you’ll give me time to heal you, you’ll have a real story. i look at my keychain and He says: Remember these feelings inside you are indicators, not dictators. Walk with Me, work with Me, watch how I do it.

And so, i waited.

Tuesday, January 26^th…”Praise Him. Raise The Roof. My God Heals!”

i was cleaning at my client’s house… the one in particular who i allowed his words to cut deep and hurt me badly. i started to think of that day last year, recalling how i wanted to write and blog about it but felt God saying He needed more time with me first… that i had room to mature so i could write from a place of grace and with a forgiving heart.

But why did this memory suddenly play back in my head?

1. Association of being in their home (most obvious reason)

2. The night before, i had gone to the gym and long story short, we (my mom and a friend) got on the subject of body dimorphism. The term my sweet friend coined when she couldn’t really receive the compliment my mom and i had given her. Generally speaking, we saw the output of her hard word...the input of exercising. i told her that even at my fittest, i still wasn’t happy. Her response: “Yeah, you were really skinny.” For a split second i was tempted to revert back to old thinking, old insecurities. The devil wanted to use her words to block the truth of what me and God both knew of my journey. the backstage growth that had infact occurred and the steps of wellness that i have taken to honor Him with my body. Like any good thing, it’s a process and i reminded myself that it is well with my soul and nothing needs an explanation, because El Roi sees. He is enough. i am definitely not perfect. i did accompany the lie that followed her comment “you were skinny” (implying “so not anymore, girl. pffft HA you are a sorry excuse and a lost cause”) Yes, i gave Satan a foothold. His Word says in those moments that we are tempted, “Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee.” It definitely took flirting with Satan’s lie to hear how awful that sounded, which then led me to replace it with God’s truth. (God, at it again… the Master Weaver) Another victory for our Lord!

After leaving the gym, i didn’t think much of her comment, if at all really; we had no hard feelings… no signs of tension. In fact, we were bonding on the car ride home.

And when the thought resurfaced at my clients this day, so did a song. “Losing” by Tenth Avenue North. One of my other dear friends reminded me of this song when i came to her after that “Work Day That Was Going Great.” She sent me the lyrics:

i can't believe what she said
i can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something i missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

The words breathed life back into me again. That day and This day. and still TODAY!

Also, with conscious effort to retrain my brain and fix my mind, my heart felt peace. And like that, i was on my way to my next house, energized and powered by His love.

Now, come close. This is the beauty of God. This is His awesomeness. Just as we love to see someone surprised by our gift, so does our Heavenly Father with His to us and His gift of unexpectedness is the best. Listen to how He worked.

Not long after i got to my second house that day, i received a text from my friend. She wanted to apologize for what she had said. “Hey, i feel bad about yesterday when i was like ‘oh my gosh, yeah you were so skinny. i didn’t mean it like you don’t look good now because you do! i was just thinking about myself and how [i use to look and how i wished i still looked that way]…i didn’t mean it negatively ‘cause i’m super sensitive and i just don’t want your feelings to be hurt by that.”

WOW. just WOW.

i was overcome by His presence as i was reading what she wrote. Complete chills. i didn’t know how much i needed to hear her words. Not because i was hurting, and needed an apology but because God wanted to show me that i had healed since the last negative comment made about my weight. i literally wanted to squeeze her through the phone and share with her my tears of joy. “God is good, girl. God is good!”

Anyway, the conversation went from there and it allowed us both to share our same struggle with one another. We aren’t alone in this. She was faithful and obedient to what was pulling at her heart to apologize and became vulnerable with me. That in turn, was a direct avenue to blessing. What the enemy intended for evil, God once again used for good! Go God!

Satan wants to drive a wedge between you and God. Between you and others. He knows that there is a Greater force to be reckoned with. Don’t let him have his way. You are a warrior of God. Arm yourselves for battle. We are on fire and we are rising UP!

i look at my key tag “feelings are indicators, not dictators” and rejoice in the good work Jesus has done in me. i know i am far from finished, forever a work in progress. i am thankful for these memories and hardships as they have led me closer and closer to the Lord. They are signs…indicators…promptings that I need to sit with Jesus. He works while we wait. Feelings are blessings and a part of how God designed us. They do not have to work against you. Listen to what you feel. Process those feeling by bringing them before the Lord. Watch how God weaves it for ultimate good!

 “In many ways, God sends His blessings into our lives in a just-in-time process. He is the provider of every thing we need or will ever need, though He does not give it to us all at once. We would be way overwhelmed if He did! God’s just-in-time plan for you is twofold. First, it leads you to ask Him for your daily needs. Second, it prompts you to trust Him to meet your future needs. He desires to hear your requests. God will be there just in time for you, every time.”⁴

These experiences have also opened the eyes of my heart. He’s helping me move past the hurt so I am able to see beyond what the enemy intended for evil. He allows me to see the hurting behind those darts. He indicates something troubling has wounded that person for them to say/do such unfruitful things. Therefore, i have become more compassionate and more giving of Grace. And He has significantly increased my prayer life. The result is lifted weight off my shoulders…The result is a sound mind. Thank You, Jesus.

Before He wraps all of this up, i want to go back to the verse in Ephesians (6:12) “For we do no not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

Notice how my client’s husband and my sweet friend didn’t directly attack me with a lie. They simply made a comment and i gave Satan a foothold to run with. I say that because there is conscious effort we must make. i believe getting in His Word is the only way to discipline your thoughts, and to discern the enemy’s voice from The Voice of God. There’s work to do and Jesus sticks closer than a brother. He’s with you ALL THE WAY through.

All this to conclude: (so that you aren’t deceived) Gaining wisdom in this doesn’t guarantee that i am free from feeling pain and hurt. No. But i only hope that when the darts come, something in me has changed. i hope to continue to improve on processing my feelings with help from The Voice Of Truth, instead of reacting in my flesh.

I love these words of Mother Teresa:

        

Give grace as you have been given.

Hurting people hurt people. Show them Christ <3, anyway.

you are so loved, xo.

References:

1. “Unglued” by Lysa Terkeurst

2. “You’ll Get Through This” by Max Lucado

3. lyrics from “Just Say Jesus” by 7eventh Time Down

4. “Stronger; 365 Daily Devotions for a Courageous Heart” with Debbie Waldrep (My actual devotion dated for this day, Feb. 17^th)