Tuesday, September 13, 2016

The “Letters” J-O-Y

"Deep calls to deep at the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your waves have gone over me." (Psalm 42:7)

"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." (Romans 11:29)
 


Hey, friends!

I am ecstatic to share with you some serious awesome news!

The faithfulness of God continues to be revealed to me through my own personal journey AND through the lives of others around me.  “…being confident of this very thing, that HE who has begun a good work in [us] will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6)

There is so much richness here in Paul’s opening letter to the believers in the church at Philippi. He deeply loved these people; even as he awaits his trial in Rome, Paul’s mind goes back to his brothers and sisters in Philippi. Every remembrance of them brings him great joy!

Like Paul, there are so many names that come to my mind; as they do, my heart smiles! You have all touched me in tremendous, purposeful ways that have greatly impacted my walk with the Lord. I am for certain, God knows all of you-even those who I may never (on this side of heaven, anyway). Family, friends, prayer warriors, spiritual mentors, God’s vessels who pour His love into me, His church…brothers and sisters…

To the ones who follow my posts on social media, which expose the weaknesses I battle, yet you encourage me, still.

To the special few who have genuinely listened to me confess my deepest wounds, and yet continue to love on me, because like Jesus, you see passed my past. When I called myself “worthless, disgusting, ugly, useless, etc,” you crossed through those words with red Sharpie and pointed me to the truth of THE Cross…“beloved, beautiful, precious, worthy, chosen with a purpose, redeemed, forgiven, etc.”

To the ones who have seen me fail…rather than applauding, you reach out and lend me your hand to help me stand back up again. God and all of Heaven rejoice. (MIGHTY claps for you- that’s bringing the Kingdom come <3)

I say this from the bottom of my heart: THANK YOU!


We live amongst a spiritual battle. Pricilla Shirer says it this way: “All day, every day, an invisible war rages around you. A cunning, devilish enemy seeks to wreak havoc on everything that matters to you- your emotions, your mind, your family, your future.” Yes, Satan has slithered beside me since childhood, whispering lies that have attacked my beauty and ultimately, my truest identity. He’s used close people in my life as his tools to cut right into my heart. Along the way, I let the lies seep through and allowed them to carry on into my adulthood. Many a time, and I say MANY, I have ignored the spiritual protection God offers. Even after being “saved” and baptized at age 10, I didn’t know Jesus was here and not in some distant white, puffy cloud land. That only HE could REALLY heal me. That HE could start a good work in me- mending the broken pieces back together for His glory. No. I never heard it said in that way… I, at least, didn’t feel it to be tangible…equaling (in my mind) “not true.” That’s what Satan does though; he wraps his cunning lies in the packaging of deception and manipulation. “What he wants is to lead you into sin so that fellowship is broken between you and God-between you and the One who provides your true power and strength. Then, weakened and vulnerable, you’ll be susceptible to his plans to destroy you. That’s why he seeks to stay hidden as much as possible.” (Shirer)

And so, I walked in shame and covered myself with fig leaves.

Earliest memories- to name a few- include:
-4th Grade: having severe anxiety before weight measurements in P.E. (I remember running to the end of the line in hopes time would run out so I wouldn’t have to step on the scale. When that wish didn’t come true, I walked back to the bleachers in utter devastation. The girls, who were bragging and sharing their #s, asked me my weight and I lied about it by a 10lb lesser difference.)
-I would sometimes sneak food before dinner and felt embarrassed about hiding what I ate.
-A time in elementary school, my class was walking in a line to the computer lab. A boy, who I didn’t know from Adam, was with his class coming in the opposite direction. He specifically called me out; pointing to his face in the exact spot my mole is on my cheek, he made a scrunched up face and said hurtful things concerning my appearance. *
-In 5th grade, I remember writing a paper in Mrs. Tienken’s class. “What makes you unique?”…My mom and dad would always tell me that my mole was a beauty mark, and so I used that as my main point. I guess, even then, I was trying to overcome what had been done/said to me as a means of my own redemption story. “Stay strong, Kalynn. The world needs you to be strong.”
(What I’ve learned though, as God’s been bringing me back to these moments, I am finding true healing. He’s been helping me see the roots of my brokenness and then helping me to forgive these people. (Reference Matthew 6:15) In the process, God reminds me of my identity. He fills the wounds with truth… The identity He engraved at the bottom of my heart. “You, Kalynn, are my beloved daughter. I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you…plans to give you a great hope and a great future! He so desires that we would be delivered of Satan’s stronghold on our lives. My God is able to restore, and My God is able to revive what is at the bottom of His children’s hearts! We’ll call it “The Trademark Truth!”)

*God had a funny way of reminding me of this one a few months ago. He resurfaced the wound with a not so simple hair root…yeap, right smack in the center of it. If you’re acquainted with hair roots at all, you know they typically create a pimple. And so, I imagined this spot on my face to be front and center stage, magnified at 100X in bright spot lights…when others looked at me, this is all they saw. Needless to say, I was self conscious, but God used it for good. He wanted me to become aware that this still brought me shame because of what was said to me so many years ago…I covered it up and never brought it to His feet.
Oh my- whatever it takes, right? Yes, God will, like a good Father should. He is good.

And while this isn’t to gain pity, but to only call out Satan for what He is (i.e. liar, accuser, father of lies…) and so that your eyes would also be open to the schemes and tactics he has used on your life, I further share these memories from my older years:

-6th grade: After trying out for a spot to be a cheerleading manager, I was shocked to find that I was actually chosen as one of the four. The humility wore off, and a sense of pride welled up inside of me. This acceptance attached itself to my identity.
-When I tried out for the cheerleading team in 7th grade, I knew I surely had it in the bag. When I didn’t receive a call back at try-outs, I was stunned. Rejection worked its way into my heart.
-My parents divorced when I was in middle school. I was very angry and very sad…but I was going to stay strong and find my own pursuit of happiness….
-Also, in the 7th grade, my hormones got the best of me, and I had heart eyes for a boy. A new kid in town. Oh the mystery these students add in the air at schools. So, the more the girls talked him up, the more I wanted to be called “his.” Lust tempts us in, calls us to be something we are not, in hopes for something we think will makes us feel loved, accepted, beautiful, and fulfilled. So, I finally got the attention I wanted. This title attached itself to my identity. When we broke up, I didn’t know myself. When we got back together, I was something. We were together and then not together…this “on and off again” relationship of ours carried into high school.

-9th grade: cheerleading and popularity became my identity. Not only did I make the JV cheerleading squad for the football team, but I was personally asked to cheer for the basketball team, as well. Wow, did my head get big. I was something, alright. Even though I chose to label myself with titles such as these, the popularity was exhausting. I “had” to keep up an image and I involved myself in drama way bigger than necessary. While I was concerned about who said what about my “toe-touch” at the half time performance, some students in the stands were worried about where they were going to sleep that night. These petty worries of mine were really masking my deepest brokenness, but you see… I wanted to “fit-in.” I assumed these people didn’t have trials and hardships, so I shouldn’t either. In my eyes, their lives seemed picture-perfect, so mine had to appear that way too. Throughout high-school, I enjoyed conversing with all of my classmates, and I did find that I acted most like myself…real, raw, and happy… around those who weren’t necessarily called “jocks” and even one-on-one with girls from my “clique.” I took some of the comments to heart that my peers in class said to me…comments like: “I’d thought you’d be different and stuck-up.” This made me question my life, in some sort of way…is this what people think when they see me in uniform? Stuck-up and mean? I’ve always been a thinker. Sensitive and emotional. (Even more so, after I was told I was too sensitive and I would never make it in this world. That’s when I learned to appear strong). Anyway, these comments from other students caused me to *start* reevaluating my choices.
-My boyfriend and I were doing things we shouldn’t be doing, but to me...it meant love. However, I was confused at how empty I was feeling inside my heart.
-The summer before 10th grade: I was so hung up on my image. I followed some random girl I had come across on Xanga. She had the “perfect” body and “perfect” boyfriend, with their oh-so “perfect” videos together. The more I creeped on her profile, the more I envied and coveted their life. Somewhere I read that she was vegetarian, so I was going to use that method as a means to achieve her skinny physique. By orientation my sophomore year, I had dropped a severe amount of weight. I broke up with my boyfriend and I had quit cheerleading after conditioning was over. I’m sure truth came out in a harsh way, that I didn’t like the way “friends” were talking behind their supposed friends backs. I know things could have been done differently; I didn’t have to walk away with my nose in the air, as if I was “better-than.” Looking back now, I realize that was just as hurtful and wrong- if not more so.
- My vegetarian habits trickled into an eating disorder called anorexia. I soon became numb as the pounds shed. I no longer was interested in the same things I once was. I broke up with my boyfriend. I became distant with the people I once associated myself with. The lunch table filled me with anxiety. “Who do I sit with? What question are they going to ask me today about my food? What are they thinking? Why is everyone looking at me?”  Finally, it got so bad, I went to the bathroom and ate in the stall. I soon found I didn’t have to cope with that anymore…that I could go to the library and read, instead. So, that’s what I did; even if it meant skipping another 200 calories in my diet, at least I wouldn’t have to deal with anxiety. I joined a reading club after school and walked home afterwards to burn more calories.*
-I was living with my Mom and some years after the divorce, she gave her life to Christ and one day, she took me into a Christian bookstore with her. The only thing I asked her to buy me was a purity ring up at the front of the counter. At the time, I didn’t know what or who compelled me to want that, but she bought it after looking at me with a confused look on her face. I placed it right on my finger after we left.

*The summer before 10th grade, I was up at 5 am nearly every morning. For no reason other than to work-out and start my day early. “I can’t sleep, I’ve got to burn calories.” Obsessing about my weight, I would do exercises before Mom woke up, because I knew I would get an ear full of her concern if I did it for her to see. I would walk around the neighborhood and once a neighbor called out to me to poke fun at my daily routine. Little did he know that his funny joke was actually hurtful. What I had was a serious disease, but people didn’t know how to respond. I caved and went inside to cry in front of Mom. Out of concern for me, she called that man and explained his comment hurt me. He sincerely apologized. This restlessness to stay skinny was hypnotizing and exhausting. I would obsess over food and after working out, I turned on the food channel to feed my obsession (a.k.a. FEAR…I was a slave to it.) I would do jumping jacks or sit-ups during the commercials. At the age of 15, I was definitely less than 100 pounds at a height of 5’6”-I could easily fit into a size 00 in pants and xs in shirts. Although I was skinny, I would not look in the mirror at myself. I saw skin and bones, but I was fearful of becoming “fat.” It was truly a sickness and it hurts to look back at my severely broken self at that state. (Just outside of broken, is Beautiful…she was going to discover the Good News!)

The loneliness and barrenness was taking its toll on all areas of my health. I wanted the numbness no more… I wanted what color- I once had- back in my life. Half way through sophomore year, I finally decided to prescribe my own sickness because I wasn’t going to be taken to the doctor. No way. I got back in touch with my boyfriend. Then, I gradually started to eat more calories. I remember my first meal outside of my own control was at Waffle House where we and our friend all went. I ordered the All-star and cleaned my plate, then proceeded to eat some of his waffle, too. He and our friend were pretty shocked, needless to say. One night, during Christmas break, God gave my mom a vision of eyelashes while she was laying in bed. Holy Spirit quickened her…Kalynn. Go check on Kalynn. She got up in the middle of the night, walked to the kitchen and found me gorging myself at the pantry. In her mind, I was eating. Hallelujah! Can you blame my mom? She knew to fight on her knees.
Her appearance startled me, but I played it off like I was only in there for a mid-night snack. Really, I was just developing another extreme eating disorder called binging.

Christmas break was over. I had gained a significant amount of weight back before school started again, and I couldn’t wait to show that I was healthy again! …Except, I didn’t get the reaction I wanted. In homeroom, I made sure to bring TWO Chick-fil-A biscuits with me to show my classmates I WAS EATING! YAY! They must have missed something because their bewildered eyes showed me that it just wasn’t clicking. Just like that man in my neighborhood, these people didn’t know how to respond. I’ll never forget an acquaintance asking me, though, if I was pregnant. I was surely stunned, devastated and in disbelief. I left school that day so down. What was worse…my boyfriend would not be with me at school ever again. He moved at the start of the year to another city. My expectations completely failed and everything turned out differently than I had imagined it would.

Bitterness and rebellion tempted me. And so, I gave into it.

It started with my choice to take off my purity ring. Then, when I turned 18, I smoked cigarettes and hid them. Even though I hated it, I did it for the feeling of empowerment. Satan used my “yes” to bitterness and rebellion as a foothold for more temptation…and I fell into it. I soon associated myself with a party lifestyle. The devil stacked more lies on my identity because of my own bad choices.

As I got older, things changed but my patterns remained the same.
Addiction
The desire to eat well and exercise was presenting itself to me again. I started running outside with my friend and her boyfriend. I huffed and cussed the whole two miles, but we became disciplined enough to see results. After graduating high school, my friend and I were really passionate about health and fitness. (Side note: I grew up with my mom being an aerobics instructor. Along the way, I caught wind.)
Promiscuity
I was living outside of God’s will even though sex outside of marriage was convicting me very much. However, I was so fearful I might lose who I was again if we broke up.

I was somehow filling the emptiness of my sexual sin and the deep wounds it soon caused with the addiction of working out and eating right. By 2012, I was a full-fledged “health nut.” I was at a comfortable weight, but still, I was obsessing over every calorie I consumed. I logged all of meals on an app called “myFitnessPal”… calculating every calorie-all the way to the tsp of mustard. This way of living, though I appeared healthy, was still chaining me down in bondage and captivity…I was a prisoner in my own body and I didn’t know how to escape. I didn’t want to get "fat"…again. Plus, I was starting to become noticed in the gym.

As far as I was concerned, in sophomore year and throughout high school…I was a nobody. The attention I got from others in the gym and the comments I received on my fitness posts on Instagram made me feel like a somebody again. If you’ve read my testimony, you know the gym quickly became my idol. This is where I belonged, This makes me come alive. This is where I shine. This made it easier to cope with rejection and hurt, and splitting up with my boyfriend. Talents and gifting can only bring us so far. That same wave of emptiness filled me again. (yeap, that’s an oxymoron…score!) I was starting to really desire the faith I shared on Facebook. I’d post my devotions on Facebook  because I wanted to be like Mom in her quiet time; however, she was actually absorbing God’s Word. Because God is faithful, He still used what little faith I had … the size of a mustard seed…I wasn’t just convicted, but I was beginning to desire true fulfillment. Something the world couldn’t offer me.

July 9th 2015 - I discovered the Good News and Jesus met me in all mess…in all my brokenness, all my sin and past mistakes. I was finding my Healer in Him. What grace.

The work has only just begun. I would love to say that after feeling the wave of grace upon grace that day…that the peace that washed over me and brought me to my face on a bathroom floor perfected me then and there, but it’s really not that simple. Growth is a process and we are on this journey- even with its bends on our way. I have learned to become thankful for a God who cares more about building our character than fixing our circumstances.

After being assured of my salvation, I have battled seasons of depression. Satan didn’t disappear just because I found Jesus. It wasn’t true for Paul in prison, and it isn’t for us either. “We still have to deal with the physical ailments, environmental evils, and relational hardships of this planet. But because of our spiritual location, we always have a hope. And through Christ, we can bring the victory of heaven into our experience on earth.” (Shirer) AMEN!!!

I still gave into my old patterns of addiction when rejection stabbed me. I still stepped into the  pantry instead of turning to Jesus. I’ve allowed the weight gain to label me “ashamed.”

I’ve missed weddings and celebrations because I didn’t want to be seen. This is so very disheartening. I am reminded of all my tears of frustration as my eyes begin to water. There’s a certain kind of pain when remembering how weak and sad I was…”was” being not that long ago…

For instance, back in July this year, God led me to do a study by Christine Caine called “Unashamed.” It definitely nudged at my spirit, so I ordered the book at Barnes and Noble; when it was ready for pick-up, I invited Mom along with me one day after work. Immediately when we walked in, I saw someone I knew heading for the check-out line. I ran to the back of the store, even though my books were waiting for me up at the front. I didn’t tell Mom anything. Instead, I just scurried and mumbled that I wanted to browse for a bit. When I felt coast was clear, I put down the books I was skimming and told her I was ready. As we were waiting to check-out, she had hopped back out of line to look at journals. It didn’t matter though, because “coast was clear.” (so I thought) I made my way back to her then got back in line so she could make her purchase. THEN, this day took a 360…Barnes and Noble wouldn’t relent (a store I could replace with name with "Guy1 and Guy2") YES, another familiar face made his way through the double doors and I ducked to hide mine. I quickly asked Mom for the car keys. It took her a minute but I was adamant. When she finally did, I put my sunglasses on and scurried once again, out of the store for good this time. In the car, I cried out to God. “Help me walk in confidence. I want to be a light for You. Why do I care so much what other people think? You are enough. I want to believe that with every fiber of my being, Lord. Please, help me be courageous. Help me be walk in the freedom You have given me.”

I skimmed through the “Unashamed” study guide as I sat waiting… And what I found were convicting words in the very first pages. Session 1 was titled: “Run, Don’t Hide.”
 
That was just one instance, but there have been many occasions, even in my walk with Christ, that I have fallen short of the glory. Do I want to be made well? Yes.
I know the truths of God.
I know the work of the Cross was for me.
I know Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
I know my identity as a daughter of God.
I see how far God has brought me. I know the powerful inner strength that I posses in His name.

I believe that taking off the old-self, and putting on the new-self takes discipline. The desires of God arise in my spirit and become my desires also. Soon, I start functioning and delighting in the things of God.

“Do not fret because of evildoers, nor be envious of the workers of iniquity. For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb. TRUST in the Lord, and do good; DWELL in the land, and feed on His faithfulness, DELIGHT yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)

How amazing!

And so, through our struggles, God can surely make the broken, beautiful. He can turn what the devil meant for evil and use it for good!

At the beginning of this year, a friend of mine briefly mentioned YWAM in conversation and something in my spirit was stirring. Several months later, a co-worker also mentioned it in our conversation. And so, I did what I knew to do…Google and Facebook. As I was scrolling through the pictures on the YWAM LA Facebook page, I noticed a familiar face. I pulled up her page and she was on staff with them, so I messaged her with some questions. She happened to work out at the campus in Colorado, so I considered there as well. After talking to her, I messaged Mom that I may be doing a discipleship training school out in Colorado in September or in LA, January of next year. She didn’t question it. In fact, she encouraged it.

The Lord was calling me to a specific DTS. I researched all types, but the one I knew was for me, without a doubt, was called BADTS. I prayed to God and asked for others to join me in prayer over the opportunity that had presented it self. The weeks proceeding, He gave me a couple signs. I was led to a special lady who I had known. She invited me into her home and I told her the deepest darkest secrets of my story. Our connection was divine. She found compassion for me and shed light into those parts that I couldn't see passed before. Not only could she relate, but she encouraged me of a hope and a future that was mine in Jesus Christ. I received such rich prophesy into the depths of my soul. I walked out that night feeling so comforted by Jesus AND I had a word from God. His love was so very tangible. She was the first to donate a sacrificial offering for this next adventure God had in mind…and in faith, she believed I would be accepted.*

One morning, I was driving into work and pulled up behind a car with a California license plate that had a September tag.

The answer wasn’t clear, so I believed the Lord was giving me a choice. September was in just a few months and I felt that was too little time, so I chose the LA location and remained in prayer. I wanted to follow God’s will and not my own. I took the steps in faith that He would open or close doors. I knew that whatever happened, I would be okay. An answer from God is a good answer. If it’s “yes,” He is good. If it is a “no,” He is still good. The application process seemed to go smooth. The physical at the doctors was hard for me. I didn’t want to step on the scale or sit in a doctor’s office, but I did what I had to do. I took the day off to find my immunization records because my pediatrician had shut down and none of my records were in the database. My high school purges all of the records after graduation. Thankfully though, the college I attended returned my message with great news! They had a copy of my immunization records! Perhaps I'll save what happened the rest of that day, for another time. Let’s just say, the spiritual battle was intense!
“Satan knows he cannot destroy you. Too late for that. The best he can do (and he intends to make full use of it) is to make your time on earth futile and unproductive, to suffocate you with sin, insecurity, fear, and discouragement until you are unable to live freely and fully. He can’t ‘unseat’ you, but he can intimidate you and render you ineffective and paralyzed.” (Shirer)

YES! AND I BELIEVE MY GOD IS BIGGER!!!

*Not only did she offer me riches that day (spiritual truths and financial provision), she also invited me to be a part of her faith based fitness boot-camp for no charge. This group is a community of believers, who pray and work-out together. I would like to say, I’ve put myself out there, but I haven’t. Even though she invites me and reassures me that it’s a safe place, I let other things take precedence. I know work and a few other things have taken priority and rightfully so, but there have been days where I told myself I was going to go only to beat myself up because I couldn’t bring myself to be seen. Maybe, I didn’t jump, but God placed other things that have helped me step out, one foot at a time. “There is a time for everything.” I do trust His timing. I will forever be grateful for her godliness and genuine care- no doubt about it!

And, so…

YWAM LA BADTS???…”that’s a lot of ‘letters’…What does all of it mean??”

Let’s break it down (on the dance floor):
Youth With A Mission, Los Angeles- Beauty Arise Discipleship Training School
“The vision of Beauty Arise is to carry the truth about beauty, identity, and value to girls and women in every culture. In Beauty Arise we are passionate about seeing girls and women become who God created them to be and we are looking for students who share that passion. The BADTS is for women who are serious about furthering that vision in the world. Students can expect to be trained as leaders who engage with the women in their lives and boldly minister the love of God to them. There will be exposure to various forms of ministry to women in different cultures such as serving backstage at fashion events in the city to spending time with women living on the streets of Skid Row. There will also be an emphasis on using social media as a tool to communicate truth.” (http://ywamla.org/dts/badts/)

This is what I want to continue to grow in. More importantly, I want to see God’s truth come alive in the souls of so many other women that have become a prisoner in their own body. God can, and God will have His way!

I am so thankful for the people who have remained faithful in prayer through the acceptance process!

I received a phone call September 9th from the staff at YWAM and was really encouraged. Not only was I accepted after being made aware of some things, but one of the leaders shared a story with me. He then spoke Jeremiah 29:11 to exhort, edify and encourage my heart, soul, and mind. He and the leader of the BATDS prayed and believed in God’s full deliverance for me. God used all of this to fill me with peace and hope! I had a "TJ maxx moment" the week or so before (which you know are a thing if you read my one of my previous blogs.) I found a journal sitting out of its place in the check-out lane. I bought it because 1.) I was running out of space in my previous one. 2.) The aesthetics. (The fact that there was a tree on it and I loved the bible verse.) 3.) I felt it was most appropriate to start a new adventure in, whether God’s answer was yes or no. He wasn’t going to lead me astray. I knew He had called me… whether to test me or bless me, or both…I surely had heard from the Lord.

Just look at it ;-]


After I was accepted, the very next day, God confirmed the school’s “yes” with His. I truly have such a peace. I am in the process of setting up a GoFundMe page for the outreach phase. For 3 months I will be in LA growing in my relationship with God in community, and together we will be trained and equipped to do our part in the Great Commission. This is called the lecture phase and I will be paying for this myself. The next step is the outreach phase. And if it is His will, the next two months I will be a part of international, cross-cultural mission, spreading the Good News of the gospel to other women!

I will soon put a link up to the GoFundMe page once completed. First, I wanted to share with you better insight of what God has placed inside my heart.

Thank you for your time, prayers and help in spreading the Good News! I want to be a woman fully consecrated and devoted to the Lord, who not only knows her identity, but walks in it. I don’t want to be stagnant; I want to be sent. This is my prayer for all of you! I pray He would speak to your soul in the only unique way He can. I do hope my story reminds you of your purpose and calling.

The following Sunday, I heard this said in the message from Dave Rhodes:
“God doesn’t just pass over our brokenness. He doesn’t just put us back together and say, ‘just forget about everything that ever happened in your life that broke you.’ No, He’s way better than that. He’s not scared of it. He steps into our brokenness. For all the things people scarred us with. For all the things we scarred ourselves with…instead of those being open wounds in our life, they become beauty marks that testify to the world that our God is good. He steps into the brokenness and makes it beautiful again!”

…okay, cue the tears.

Now friends, LET HOPE ARISE
Yes. Keep hanging onto the promises of God. This journey is- most definitely- going somewhere good! Just look UP.

In Him, with much Love,
-K <3


P.S. Don’t forget J-O-Y…Jesus Overshadows You
In faith say it…”For me to live is Christ.”
{Chosen. Created. Called.}