…“being confident of this,
that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the
day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)
(That’s a promise that will
give you Hope when you feel like a failure.)
Tonight, I didn’t want to wear a
mask. I wanted to either stay numb and stone-cold or feel every single emotion I
was feeling…I wanted to be real with where I was at and not front some other
churchy face. I sat there, but joy is infectious, and it wasn’t long before I,
too, was overtaken and onto making friends with discipleship students from Minnesota
I had asked to sit beside (how strategic of God that He would place me next to
them…we will get to that later).
I haven’t stepped foot into a church
since February; however, I’ve been face-to-face, no doubt with the Church- whether
that be in a car ride with a co-worker in between client’s homes, over
conversations at the gym, at my internship, late night chats curled up on a
best friend’s couch, standing around the kitchen island with my own family, outside
a bar having had too much to drink…yes, even still. There have been very
special conversations over dinner and the phone with strong, trusted and supportive
friends who let me share my deepest, darkest insecurities and most painful parts
of my story. I was met with nothing but genuine empathy, love, grace, and
compassion. Most of all- TRUTH. I don’t know why God has blessed me with these humans-
not one has shamed me, said I was unredeemable or that what I was still
carrying around like utter, useless baggage defined me. I’m finally worn out
from holding onto that said luggage. It’s not the easy yoke and light burden found
in Scripture that Jesus promises us- the kind of rest for our souls. Shame has obviously
been something I still find hard to let go of. I’ve been keeping it tucked away,
down in the basement of my heart.
Stuff. Mostly messy stuff will
trigger us and our trauma. Our battle scars. Our shame. Life experiences and even
our own mistakes will resurface the pain. Whether we’ve kept it hidden away for
years, numbed it, coped, haven’t fully given it over to the arms of Grace…or…maybe
just maybe, it comes to poke at us again because healing comes in waves. I
believe God, our Wonderful Counselor can heal instantaneously. I very much
believe in miracles and wonders and breakthrough in one sudden moment…but in
much of my own personal experiences, He has chosen to work over time, through many
many many sessions- not just the ones I’ve scheduled when life is going good-
when journaling, studying, praying, loving God and loving others is easy to do.
No, it’s when life gets real sticky. And dark. And tempts me to hang my head
low. Disappointment leads to despondency, and eventually to depression if we
let it>>> especially when your pain is cyclical and feels like each
time the blow hits, there’s no beauty in return for your ashes…just more ashes.
When I’m faced with it in a serious fashion, I can either escape into the abyss,
drown it with alcohol, the gym, resorting to my EDs, running to other means of
acceptance and love, etcetera… and ignore it until next time, OR I can do the
hard thing and embrace what’s being handed to me.
I used to welcome pain and
healing like the INFJ, Enneagram 4 that I am. I would walk straight into it-
head on- because I was made to feel deep and could stay in that space longer than
most (so I’ve come to learn). I was obsessed with uprooting lies I had believed
over the course of my life. I was fixated on conquering all of my internal battles
like it was my only job.
But, I eventually had enough of
that season and needed to be reminded of sunshine. Of laughter. Of dancing,
singing, playing, running carefree. I believe there is a time for everything,
just as Scripture teaches us in Ecclesiastes 3
“a time to weep and a time to
laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (v.4)
a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (v.4)
Maybe this time, which I have recently
found myself in, is a new depth of healing God had long ago planned for me. In
His timing, because only He knows what we can actually bear and when that is for
each of us specifically. Only He knows how to do it right. And yet, I still try
to overcome in my own efforts. Self-reflection begs the question “Why?” (Why do
I feel like I need to be in charge of this?) I got myself into this, no need
to burden God. (That seems noble) But the honest truth goes a little deeper
and reveals my wrong beliefs about God: Can I really trust Him? Does God
really know how to surprise me and exceed my wildest dreams? Maybe He wants
boring for me, so I have this thorn in my flesh as punishment and a blockade for
the deep desires I pray and hope will one day come to pass. So, it makes sense
that He wouldn’t heal me…this a consequence for my sin.
Oh man.
Eye opening.
And then I heard this while listening
to the latest sermon at Elevation Church
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhYA8aOFdT4)
Pastor Steven Furtick says:
“We think it’s our job to
suffer... you know, suffering for Christ and for the good of others is one
thing, and so is sacrifice. But to suffer the shame that He already took from
you is to snatch back what He nailed to the cross. It is not your job to suffer
like that. That’s BS (a Broken System). I’m telling you men and women of the
Most High God, religion is a broken system. That’s why Jesus went after the one
to show you this is about relationship. ‘I want to deal with you one-on-one…I
want to speak to you like you’re a person, not like some kind of project. Not
like you’re some kind of defect.’”
GRACE.
And though I have encountered it
like a waterfall, I can so quickly forget to lean in when I stumble. I can feel
so undeserving. And even more so when others are affected by my poor choices. I
want to self-destruct again because there isn’t anything I can give away to right
my wrongs; therefore, I can easily believe that taking full blame is what I am
owed, which inevitably tempts me to repeat old cycles and fall into old behavior.
Though grace is not an excuse to
keep on sinning (ref. Romans 6), God knows our hearts. He knows a heart that loves
Him and desires to do His will. And He completed His mission on the cross
knowing our past, present, and future sins. He is the ultimate sacrifice; it’s
why He came AND followed through. For us.
“though [s]he may stumble, [s]he
will not fall, for the Lord upholds her/him with His hand.” (Psalm 37:27)
God IS in fact continuing the
healing process in me and bringing breakthrough in unforeseen ways. He’s using
my stumbling and bad decisions for my good and His glory. This is crazy love. I
cannot comprehend it.
More than just taking away the
shame and healing my pain, He is healing my desires and healing my will to want
Him again and HIS plan for my life.
Which brings me to my next story:
As many of you know (because you
helped make it all possible), I had the most amazing, life-changing experience while participating in a Discipleship Training School at YWAM Los Angeles in 2017. I was
able to devote 6 whole months to learning about God and the Bible. I met many
amazing sisters-for-life-on-into-eternity. I traveled to Ensenada, France and
Greece. I got to love on strangers and tell them about the Love of Jesus. I
came back with my heart broken over specific injustices I saw that undoubtedly break
God’s heart all the more. I had seen trauma in a whole new dimension, and I was
“ready” for the call of Isaiah 61.
The Lord spoke specifically about
what I was to do next after YWAM and confirmed it three separate times from three
different people. One guy happened to be Buddhist; we had the opportunity as a
school to work backstage at LA Fashion week, and I met him randomly during the
event. We chatted a bit and he mentioned if counseling was something I had ever
considered as a career. Funny you say that, I thought.
And to top it all off, one of the
ministries we got to serve on outreach was Neo Zoi in Athens, Greece. (They reach
out to women and men working in prostitution in Athens. They offer hope,
assistance, support and alternatives, desiring to see men and women empowered
by God for a new life). God highlighted the trauma counselor on their team, and
I had a brief opportunity to chat with her along with one of my friends while
folding baby clothes in their donation boutique.
So, I knew what I had to do when
I came back home. But before, I chose (through much wrestling) to deny two wonderful
opportunities to staff and lead the next Beauty Arise DTS or Justice 180 DTS.
That was a hard decision to walk away from, but I couldn’t get over what God
was speaking to me. I came back in June and applied to the school that had been
on my heart a couple years before leaving for YWAM… Liberty University. I have
since completed my bachelor’s degree in psychology with a specialization in
crisis counseling along with the internship hours as of August 16th.
This is a time I should be celebrating and anticipating my career, but the
desire has so suddenly laid dormant. I had become ecstatic about sending in my
resume at my internship site after my supervisor had asked me to do so. And
then I was blindsided. I told her I wasn’t hesitant because I was unsure, but
that I may need time away once the internship was completed. The blow had hit
at an insignificant time. (But really, when is it an opportune time for the
past to come busting through the door?) In the back of my mind, I was thinking
a weekend trip to Tybee Island or a few days with my friend in Puerto Rico… maybe
a couple days spent hiking would bring a breath of fresh air.
I just finished a book about the sovereignty
and providence of God. I learned a lot about this part of His character and
nature, and I’m going to believe He has a plan and purpose in all of this.
I was having dinner with my mom
one night, and we were dreaming together. I shared with her about the thought
of one day moving out of Georgia (not as a means of escape, because I know that
“wherever you go, there you are”…you can’t run from your problems- not for long,
anyway). I want to be in a different environment- a place that better suits a
lifestyle I desire…etc. Some of these dreams were selfish- that is understood.
But I do see that God was listening. He has always been listening.
That same night, I came home and received
a Facebook message from a YWAM Ships recruiter in Kona, Hawai’i in need of
different roles on the base to be filled. I asked for her to please send me
more information. I was honest about what I felt God had called me to, how I said
no to staffing opportunities at YWAM, LA. For some reason, I thought that would
end our conversation and she wouldn’t continue pursuing; however, she was
interested in finding other ways I could use what I’ve learned in my studies and
opportunities that better fit my passion specifically. I continued following up
(by inquiring more details about the base and what visitation and volunteer
positions looked like). Eventually we had a phone conversation and at the end,
she prayed over me. It was simple, but so profound. God was all over the
conversation and it was like His presence was so tangible in that moment. I
knew that He hadn’t left me.
“…He will never leave you or
forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)
I was sold pretty quickly. I don’t
know what the Lord has for me there, but I know that this is a God opportunity I
cannot deny. The timing seems odd and even unrealistic, but I’m choosing to
trust Him.
I have since received His confirmation.
The very next day after the recruiter’s initial message, I happened to be scrolling
through my feed on Facebook and saw one of my leaders from YWAM LA had posted that
he and his family moved to YWAM Ships Kona, HI. What are the odds? He
was our pastor on outreach and so much healing came through His message on the
Father Heart of God during lecture phase. I reached out to him for prayer and
of course he had to show me the view of the beach from the base, too. If that didn’t
pull at my heart strings enough, God spoke to me one night while I was laying
in my bed. I was thinking (praying, really) “This is really crazy, God. Is
this opportunity really from You or am I being selfish because of this mess I
am in? Shouldn’t I be more concerned about case management work- You know I love
that too.” He stopped me and recalled the vision board I had made when I
was sixteen years old. Because He had used it and fulfilled many of those
dreams just on my short 6-month trip, I decided to hang it up in my room as remembrance
of His faithfulness to me, and that there was still so much more to come in
this life and in eternity. I was tired, and honestly fell asleep after He brought
that to my mind. I guess His answer brought a true peace for me to be able to
sleep. I woke up the next morning and went over to my vision board.
This is what I saw.
(It may be hard to read the words
on the “cruise ship,” but it says: PRIDE OF HAWAI’I). It was
clear to me. Even though it didn’t say: YWAM Ships Kona, HI., I was astounded by
God, yet again. He was using this vision board from 11 years ago to speak to me.
Here is the vision board in its
entirety if you were curious:
I was, of course, curious to know how the
recruiter found me. She said she came across my first GoFundMe page, and the
passion behind it moved her to see if I had a Facebook profile so she could message me. I
obviously went back to re-read it. And it made me sad in some sense because I
feel like I have somewhat lost touch with that girl. But also stirred to find
her again.
(https://www.gofundme.com/2aekq29g)
<<< I provided the link if you’re curious about that adventure and how
God provided more than enough for me financially. There is also a link within
that page to the blogpost I made about God’s guidance during that season.
This time, I truly believe the
Lord is taking me even further West to really make personal for me His words:
“The Lord is compassionate and
merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.” (Psalm 103:8-12)
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.” (Psalm 103:8-12)
Okay, just read all of Psalm 103 while
you’re at it!
As of late, I feel called to volunteer at the base for one month (serving the staff, students, base needs, etc. through all kinds of different duties). I have been encouraged to start another GoFundMe pg to allow others to participate in this journey and the mission of YWAM. This opportunity will give me a taste of the community/schedule there if He were to call me long-term. Your support (whether that is financially, through much needed prayer, or both) IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED.
Here is the link to the GoFundMe if you would like to donate. <3
(https://www.gofundme.com/f/KalynnsYWAMShipsKona)
Here is the link to the GoFundMe if you would like to donate. <3
(https://www.gofundme.com/f/KalynnsYWAMShipsKona)
If you’re reading this, you’re
probably going through some deep internal battles of your own. Don’t think you have
to stay afloat and fight this alone. Pain is pain is pain is pain, and I don’t think
it’s healthy nor beneficial to measure or level yours against another’s,
either. You’re worthy of rest. You’re worthy of redemption and resurrection. God
has not given up on you!
“ For we are
God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the
good things He planned for us long ago.” (Ephesians 2:10)
Remember friend, the Lord has a
book written for you. Just you. All the things He planned for your life are
written in it. He really does have good in store- unique ways you would impact
the Kingdom in His name. You have something so special to offer, and I hope you
know you are worthy of that call. It doesn’t matter how bad you THINK you’ve
blown it; I can assure you- you haven’t. Stop hiding. Stand back up again and don’t give up. The
breath He gives you each day is evidence that your life still has a purpose. NO
MATTER WHAT.
Time to drop the baggage and rest
in the arms of Grace.
“So now I live with the
confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us
from God’s love. I’m convinced that His love will triumph over death, life’s
troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our
present or future circumstances that can weaken His love. There is no power
above us or beneath us—no power that could ever be found in the universe that
can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through
our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!” (Romans 8:38-39).
With Love,
K
With Love,
K
