Famous in my Father's Eyes

Somewhere, along the way, I lost the heart behind my intentions and the truth in my motives compared to when I had first “started.” …when I took that initial step in admitting/displaying my story for everyone to see because truly, I had accepted myself for who I was in my past and who I was in the present. I started to finally believe who I was in Christ. I was in a good place.  However, over time that seemed to slowly vanish or at least I started to carry a façade that festered on itself deeper and deeper. It was a slow and steady walk in the wrong direction; I had forgotten all the truth behind the reasons why I loved everything that I did.

There’s this quote that I came across just recently: “Doing something good with the wrong intentions is not a good thing.” Or something very similar to that, but regardless, it makes a great point; it even instilled a great “ick” feeling in my gut. I felt convicted right then and there.

 And that was definitely not my first of convictions.

I remember God first speaking truth to me in this particular part of my life (which I will soon make clear …) I was at the gym awhile back ago having a conversation with a very dear friend of mine, who at the time, I was just starting to get to know. We were on the topic of physique competitions and after the hype of having lost weight and gaining a little muscle I was completely interested in entering into one. I even went to a show just to experience it second-hand before making any rash decisions. I thought it was great, and tried to justify that it was just another side of displaying beautiful “art.” …Okay…making my body a piece of art…and for what? some award? a round of applause? so I could go to sleep with a bigger head that night? That’s just how I look back on it now and it makes me want to hide under the sheets to see how much I was into body image. Confidence is one thing, but my ego had taken a step over the edge. But thankfully I hadn’t quite fallen fully, thanks to my friend, the angel she is spoke truth into my life over that subject. She didn’t wrong me or make me feel guilty. No. Because her words were spoken from the heart of her spirit, I wasn’t condemned. “Vanity” …that’s the word that did it. And if I remember anything, it wasn’t the sentence it was spoken with, it was the love I felt from God in her bringing such truth. God wanted to keep me humble, and I think if I were to compete, I would lose that. Wow, I just throw my head back and say THANK YOU, GOD! It was exactly what turned me away. And He knew it wasn’t going to be my first rodeo. But with some words of hope and a glimpse into my current state of utter joy, the merry-go-round is surely making its way back around to the core of my purpose.

So, okay, no competing for Kalynn. Whew, that was close… yet there was still a problem with what I was doing. I was using Instagram and Facebook… social media…as a platform to display my body. At first, I thought the likes were to bring inspiration and motivation for those on a fitness journey and obtaining a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to inspire women and young girls even to love themselves enough to feel great in the bodies they have been given. Ultimately I had hoped to positively impact others with my personal story. And still do, of course. Unfortunately, with time, I got caught up in the looks and am honestly ashamed in my twisted thinking. I remember my first transformation picture. I was very proud of my hard work and dedication in achieving a greater, healthier self. But then I started posing in less and less clothing. How does that differ from competing on stage? I think the audience on social media is far greater, to be blatantly honest. Call it what you will, but if I didn’t admit that a major portion of that intention wasn’t to seek validation or a boost in my self-esteem, I would be lying to you. Take into account that I was recently single, so the attention I received made me feel “pretty” again…Somebody worthwhile. Wow, that is incredibly sad to admit, but it is the upmost truth. Hard truth, but there has been a lot of growth in coming to realize this.

Well, I fell into that pitiful cycle for some time and it became more and more convicting as the posts continued. I was loosing myself. How could I end up in the very place I thought I had been fully, 100 percent delivered from? It doesn’t always work that way; the trials teach us and reveal more and more about ourselves and what our strongest areas of weakness are. I was finding out that validation from anybody or anything other than from God is a complete source of destruction to my health overall. I was on a vicious cycle of a downward domino effect of self-hate and I felt like as much as I expressed this, I was the only one in the world with this problem. I let my environment and certain circumstances affect me, to the point of falling into that same terrible lifestyle I once knew… all the insecurities were being laid right back out for me to believe. And so I did. I believed them because I wasn’t leaning on God like I should have… “IIIII was going to make it right, IIIII just knew it…”
Eh, wrong. There were times I thought I would never binge eat after completely feeling awful in doing so. I’d go weeks just to fail myself again. There were many a times of feeling sorry for myself for being a homebody and then allowing the devil to meet me there in the darkest of lonely places and whisper lies like “you’re not important anyway,” “you can’t expect a relationship like that, you expect too much,” “YOU. ARE. TOO. MUCH.” and boy did he have his way for some time. But God turned those words *YOU ARE TOO MUCH* and broke the negative connotation Satan decided to give it. God said, “You are too much- of too much worth to be in darkness, to be in such great sin that has you so down from fulfilling the purpose I have dreamt up for you.

“You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do no belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled.” -1 Thessalonians 5:5-6

“This is the message that we have heard from Him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” -1 John 1:5-7

I was lying and not living by the truth. Instead of putting on my full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17) I turned to the world, using social media or what have you as  instant gratification to counteract my insecurities… portraying the opposite of how I really felt so I could feel better about myself …medicate an issue that ONLY The Lord could conquer. The chains are breaking, baby! This I do know: one by one I’m feeling free-er and free-er ;) thanks to Jesus!

Kylie Bissutti’s story in her book, “I’m no Angel” was the final conviction. (the book ironically enough, given to me by a true angel! The same angel previously mentioned!)

 ***sidenote***: I cannot thank God enough for blessing me with people such as her. I have my mom who prays over me consistently and who I can share every thing and any thing with. Which is great and I love her dearly. I have also been given the chance to meet other older, wiser, women of faith who bring light to my darkest places. I’ve never been more grateful for that. I was compelled to share a little bit of my struggle with another lady (who I met at the gym, of course) and she instantly said that the eating disorder, B, C, and D. all the above… were from the pits of hell and you’re not going to claim them. I wanted to cry and thank her for such a powerful truth. I’ve never been more grateful for these relationships…for them and their prayers!!

In short, the book is about how Kylie decided to give up being a VS model to become a Proverbs 31 wife. I instantly was engaged the moment I picked it up and read her story. It was truly amazing and really brought great perspective on my life. I no longer felt compelled to post anymore “body shots” for cheap attention. The attention I had been receiving was starting to become dirty in my eyes (I brought it upon myself so I know I am the only one to blame). The choice instead now is to honor The Lord with my body. “I was encouraging people to look at me in a way that wasn’t godly. Plus, I was taking something God intended to be sacred between a husband and wife and making it public.” –Kylie’s words. (which I highlighted the heck out of). I want that so badly, a marriage brought together by God, yet I was being impatient so I resorted to short-lived attention. I’m already feeling sorry for my husband, whoever you are. Like, it’s making me sad that I stooped that low. I wish I could take a lot of things back, I really do, but I’ve learned a great deal!

There was also another impacting conviction I forgot to mention. It really moved my heart and it was a video I watched awhile back ago “I will wait for you” by spoken poet, Janette ikz. It wasn’t necessarily about body image as much as it was about becoming a Proverbs 31 woman and waiting for God’s best, specifically in companionship. I definitely was encouraged and God was “creating in me a pure heart, and renewing a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10) And I was starting to believe His words in 1 Peter 3:3-4 ...my beauty comes from within. Also I was starting to grasp that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. THAT is the only way I can treat my body kindly. I have to put that truth and even speak it out loud sometimes when I am tempted.

Through all of this, I have become more comfortable at being Kalynn, because I know I am loved with a love unshakeable. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8) I’ve learned that I still have a passion for seeing people rise and become their best, healthiest self. I’ve learned that I don’t want to go to the gym to sculpt a body solely for its looks. I want to have fun in my training, becoming strong all-around, which is why I’m finally starting to pick up crossfit and Olympic lifting and can I just say, I’M. IN. LOVEEEE!!! Okay, yeah like five hundred kazillion weaknesses were brought to light... like wall climbs, what in the world!? But that makes me excited! I have goals now, and I think this is the fitness path I won’t ever regret. I have hopes that I will make wiser decision when fueling my body, as the workouts need the correct foods, sleep, etc to perform at best. Now I feel like there is a purpose in making sure I’m getting the correct macros and micros; whereas before, I felt like I was counting them to “diet.” Which we all know is so easy. “Its like riding a bike, and the bike is on fire, and the ground is on fire, and everything is on fire, because you’re in hell.” haha but seriously that’s no way to live. Also, with viewing my body as a temple, and letting God lead me, I’m sure I’m on my way of being delivered of past sin!! I’m just in an incredibly good place and I hope to really be aware of my intentions every moment of the day. I know I’m only human, but now that I know better, I will do my very best at being better. Glory to God for this revelation. I couldn’t have come to it on my own!!

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praise worthy –think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace be with you.”-Philippians 4:8-9

With much much love, as always,

Me. XO

to taste "Beginning"

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul." -Brigitte Nicole

Sometimes my purpose in writing is to share significance, things that have been brought to my attention, things that have been made real for me. So I write for you, in hopes that maybe you can relate and know we’re not alone in this whole human experience.

And sometimes… sometimes, I write for myself. To go back and read the words over again. You know, something like giving others the exact advice that I should be giving my own self. Because really, that’s what we all do anyway, right? We know our weaknesses all too well and most likely subconsciously project the fix, the cure, the solution onto others. Just listen to the things you hear yourself advising. What do you preach about most?

So why are we so apt to suggest a course of action to someone else but rarely dive into it ourselves? I can only think of one reasoning. Change. More specifically… letting go.

Surely I’ve become stronger in many areas. Such as in things I won’t tolerate, things that are not good for my health, not giving into anger, loving the woman God made me to be and being comfortable with her quirks and all. Those are all great, but what is stopping me from moving forward?? If I’m not moving in that direction at full force, then I’m NOT pursing the very best woman God intended for me to be. Do you remember me talking about faith in one of my latter blog posts? Ever since my brother’s accident, the word is no longer just a word but it’s become a part of me, like my organs which keep me living. Faith has become a very real thing. But I feel I’ve been hit with hard truth, that maybe I’m lacking a bit of it. I can’t let things go. I hold on…cling… to old ways, if not socially or physically, it’s definitely mentally and emotionally. That is the worst. And I’m honestly embarrassed by it.

Do you ever stop to think why our sweetest memories bring us our greatest pain? I think it’s because they are of the past. We long for the same feelings from that one time. So maybe we try to copy it and make it a sweet thing of the present. Don’t we freak when we experience déjà vu? The feeling brings on anxiety and literally makes me sick to my stomach. So why do I think manipulating present situations in order to have the same experiences from my past will not bring on the same “ick.”

Or maybe it’s the curiosity of what could’ve been that keeps you stagnant.

Doors are shut, but sometimes we lack faith and don’t trust that God closed it for our greater good. At this very moment, I am shocked at the feelings and thoughts surfacing. I thought that I knew how to perfectly trust God. Maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s more than just believing He will provide on His time table. What if my questions and doubts about closed doors are a question and doubt in my faith? Actually, I see now that it is. I think to myself, “so why a peek and even a step or two inside the room to just turn me away locking it up on my way out? I think I may understand later. I’d like to think that maybe these things are just something given so I will be able to have something to compare to God’s best.

God works in cool ways, doesn’t He!? JUST NOW while writing He showed me His timing is not an accident. My brother contacted me to consult about a certain situation. He had no idea I was in the middle of writing this. To be vague, Cody needed advice. Ironically, I found myself suggesting that maybe it wasn’t a good idea and word for word verbatim said “some things just won’t ever be the same. Good things and people are still bound to come your way though; Don’t give up!” Honestly my brother personally impacts my life in positive ways. He has come so far as a person, so enlightened and driven that I don’t think he could ever go back to old ways and habits. I am incredibly proud of the man he has become to be.

We wouldn’t tell our loved ones to keep beating a dead horse. If we loved ourselves enough, we wouldn’t do it either. … I don’t know, maybe that hits home for you. It does for me. I still wonder and mentally exhaust myself over the “whys?” When we reach a dead end on the road, we don’t keep driving. We turn around and find a different route. So why aren’t we easily apt to apply this concept to life situations and their “dead ends”? Maybe it’s attachment to the past and fear of not being in control, so we hold on. Or the fact that we care.

We fight for something that doesn’t want us and was never meant for us in the first place. And in doing so, we not only waste precious time, we destroy ourselves in waiting and in wanting. What a hindrance that is.

If we cling to comfort, we are indefinitely stagnant.

And So I’ve pondered on His word He gave me last week in Lamentations (3:25-33)

"God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The 'worst' is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If He works severely, He also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way." (from The Message)

My HOPE still stands. And if I continue to shake off what no longer serves to my purpose with a little more effort and faith, maybe HOPE will become a thing of the present instead of the future. I’ll begin to taste the sweetness of new beginnings.

Someone once said, “that the only thing you can be sure of is that everything will change.” I’m learning to have peace with that.

With much much love!

XO

There is Always Something to be Thankful For.

“My body sometimes feels sore, but it works. I don’t sleep well most nights, but I do wake up to fight another day. My wallet is not full but my stomach is. I don’t have all the things I ever wanted, but I do have everything I will ever need. I’m thankful because although my life is by no means perfect, it’s my life and I’m happy!”

Next week is Thanksgiving, and then it will be Christmas before we all know it. I’ll turn twenty-three and then *gasps* we’ll be ringing in 2015! I’m going to be very cliché and say this… As I get older, man does time really seem to pass by. However, I don’t want to knock myself short of some credit… that I actually do soak up life and pause to really take it all in. It does seem though, that in the mundane of day to day routine, I can easily take life for granted. Here lately I’ve decided that I am not limited in my soul searching and purpose seeking to a “one-day-life’s-big-discovery.” No. Instead, I’ve found that my purpose could be and most likely will be different each and every day. It takes me making a conscious effort as soon as I wake up in the mornings. I think to myself “Okay, I woke up and I’m alive. God, you are obviously not done with me yet.” I think it’s important that we ask God what He has in store for us before we begin our day, or at least right after coffee. :) This is why I have come to really enjoy my two-hour quiet time (sometimes longer) before I am out the door. For my sanity’s sake and for the sake of others that I encounter throughout the day, I need that time to pray, reflect on His word, and set my mind with positive thoughts. Preparation can only go so far, and I know that. Some things are beyond my control and I’m learning to give that over to Him.

Paul says, “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well- adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” (Romans 12:1-2 in The Message)

With that being said, I began my newest devotional about a few weeks ago, starting fresh with an altogether changed and renewed mindset. I want to really bring more energy to the table (pun intended). I don’t want to only read a verse from the Bible just to be fed with “feel-goods,” but I want to live it as well, and I want God to bring that into my day and let it be a tangible or at least an experienced thing. Some days my devotional prepares me for a situation and it’s as clear as white on rice, and others times it can seem unrelated to my day, but never-the-less I am always inspired and comforted.

But enough about mornings. I just wanted to share my strong opinion on how I find myself having great days and good days as compared to the pessimist way of labeling it “good days vs. bad days.” Because when I really sit and think about it, every single day is a blessing. That is good, right!? “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning.” (Genesis 1:31) YES! So stop giving Monday a bad rap. Stop living for the weekend. Stop working to sleep. Get up, and decide to live and enjoy the possibilities come every moment! We are not guaranteed tomorrow, or the next second even. It’s time I start recognizing that.

I can get really excited about anything and everything pretty easily. I’ve already mentioned before that laughing is my strong suit...Like I’m sorry this sock is hilarious, please laugh along, it’ll bring me great joy. (Tehe) Yeah, I do not lack in the giggles department. I don’t know, maybe I’ve always been able to see simple things sillyly (not a word…I’m good at that) but I’m learning to embrace these times of joy because literally nothing can tear me down when I am that happy. Not just over socks… haha, but just being high on life. You shouldn’t have to apologize for being happy.

…For everyone you meet if fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind, always.

Because life can get hard. We can take some real blows, be thrown off course with unexpected reality checks. Some experiences more traumatic than others but who are we to compare our hardships to anothers’. We all have something. That’s why I wonder so much why we suddenly fall short of loving other people. WHY DO WE DO THAT?? A lot of times, it’s our own family we forget to acknowledge and show our appreciation and then come Thanksgiving (it’s okay, I’m already calling myself a hypocrite) they are the one thing we are most thankful for. It’s so backwards and yet, so true. I think it’s because the ones who we do that to, have unconditional love for us. Think how our Creator must feel. All this energy I waste thinking “Am I worthy?  Am I desirable? Am I beautiful? Am I worth the fight?... What’s wrong with me?” When all along, God says “Kalynn, you are loved.” You are not just one in the crowd. God sees you and He sees me too. He knows every strand of hair on our head (Luke 12:7). We are unique and special to Him. So why not look at our brothers and sisters (in blood and in Christ) as God does? I want genuine acts of love to become the norm. If it’s uncomfortable to receive it, it’s uncomfortable to give it. I pray you all find your call to love and be loved.

I could start a list of every thing I am grateful for but I just don’t think I would make it through in one sitting. I will have you know that I am thankful for you all. Every. Single. One. Of. You. have been a purposeful encounter. Believe it or not, but I promise. If we have met, it was for a reason and I wouldn’t take back anything that has happened to me, and that means meeting you too! You have shaped me, encouraged me, supported me, taught me, inspired me… all the above!!

I look back at my very first blog post (January 4^th 2013) and to see the transformation God had done in me even at that point and to see what he continues to do! I am thankful to have reached a point where I can share and openly express who I am, knowing it’s beneficial in not only my journey but for others in theirs as well.

I pray for you all this week! Find your loved ones and squeeze the living mess out of them! Hold them tight and cherish every moment you have together. And if you find it hard to think of the things you are thankful for, whether it’s bitterness or hurt that you are holding on to, hindering you from seeing and/or receiving God’s blessings on your life, I know breath is something you have. A new day. Purpose.

Hang in there; it gets easier if you allow it.

Much love,

Me

xoxo

God Will Thwart the "False Self"

“No [woman], for any considerable period of time, can wear one face to [herself] and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the truth.” –Nathaniel Hawthorne

Well hello my lovelies!

…it’s been some time. How are you??

Today’s church sermon was based off Hosea chapter 2. I was inspired and filled with so many emotions as I let God speak to my heart. I had been anticipating a new blog post but have been hesitating on it for whatever reason(s)... “I’m going to take forever and a day to write something that has not yet been given meaning or purpose to me.” (what most likely went on in my head). It’s funny because something is sparked in my soul and it’s not until quite some time that I get it out of my mind and out on …document? (LOL) My blog posts are usually developed in the same way, every single time:

1. emotional experience

2. same lingering emotions from the experience

3. “hm, I haven’t written a blog post in a while”

4. days..weeks...months later. “okay Kalynn, it’s been swept under the rug and/or hasn’t been dealt with 100%

5. Boom! Inspiration. God will use people, books, songs, church sermons, rain, Windex and Swiffers... you get the picture. (ha ha)

6. and finally, the enjoyment: Coffee and Microsoft Word. *Hours of reflection and praising God*

Without further ado, I’d like to keep this very short and simple, yet sweet!

Hosea 2 is a parable of God’s relationship with His people (us) by using marriage as an analogy, and I’m sure we can all attest to the conviction felt, or to put into better words…the overcoming feeling of sadness because we know we’ve hurt God. Verse 13 makes me wail up. “…but me she forgot, declares the Lord.” Pastor said “what is the one thing that hurts God the most? …It’s that we have forgotten Him.” Wow, it’s that simple! His love for us is written every where in His word, and exemplified in our daily lives in this creation He has given us, yet we forget our part in the relationship sometimes. We check out.

I believe it’s best I’m blunt here: the cause of deterring away from God (forget the levels or distance, or cause or reason) we turn, simply to find a quick means of “provision, protection, and pleasure.” – The 3 P’s Pastor used and I feel it’s true. Think about it… We have this thing called ego and our flesh feels we need to have it fed in order to thrive. So what do we do? We turn to things we know we are good at, where we know we will succeed and are praised. I’ll name this sin: “wordly” And it is only pleasurable for some time. Eventually that season dries up and we come to a road block and hopefully we choose to meet God there. My prayer is that our consciouses are not callused and we see our sin for what it is. He’s been in the passenger seat the entire time, just waiting for us to give Him the wheel. God will remove material pleasures from our path (v.6-13) and the “blessings” will be blocked.

“For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives…For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” ­–Hebrew 12:6&11

He does this because He LOVES US! He is the ultimate provider and protector and when we seek Him we find pleasure! All of our needs our met by God if we just trust Him.

**This sneak peak/preview/introduction is short, simple and hopefully sweet ..I told you it would be! I just failed to mention there would be a part 2!**

I’d like to dive deeper, but the caffeine crash is upon me and anything beyond would probably come out not making any lick of sense, so bare with me. (as you so lovingly do <3 <3)

Until caffeinated...

much love, me.

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” –Proverbs 16:9

“I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord …I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.’ I will say to those called ‘Not my people,’ ‘You are my people’; and they will say ‘You are my God.’”-Hosea 2:19,20,23

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.”

There’s something to that word “know” that will banish the “false self”…

Please no man. Work for the Lord.

He asked, "you clean?... what kind of job is that?"
"A good one," I replied.

Yes, I was tested today while working. My initial reaction was truly sincere-I smiled and meant exactly what I had said. I'm not sure if he pitied me, wanted to make me feel lowly so he could feel inferior to me, or what, but I didn't think anything of it until I had walked away and gave his first impression a time to sink in.

There have been multiple occasions where I was told my job was in fact not a real job. However, I never let it get the best of me. (Before I thank God, I do not want to give off the impression that “O Holy is I”-- this has everything to do with Him, and nothing to do with “me.”) With that said, I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be because God has me here. When Cody had his accident, I quit working as a receptionist at the hair salon so that I could help my mom with her business (who was single at the time, mind you). While she was going to need to spend a lot of time being a mom taking care of my brother, she still had clientele that depended on her service and she on their business as means of income. I prayed about it before hand and honestly just put it in God’s hands; there was no clear, in-my-face sign to quit, but I took a leap of faith. I remember, though, my boss had made it easy. She initiated the conversation about “doing what I had to do.” So being the understanding woman that she is, she had eased my dilemma. While I loved my “second family,” my blood came first. I was still in school at the time but I began working a few days during the week with Mom or just when I could. I grew up with my mom cleaning. I remember getting to have the “bring your kids to work day” A LOT. Basically because I could not STAND daycare and cried for my mommy even at age ten. (No, even at that age I did not want to be home alone.) As I got older, I would help her even.

So I acquired the skill early on.., by watching, by forced child labor (ha ha just kiddin’), and/or maybe just by a natural “gift” already instilled in me. LOL Mom was a great trainer to say the least. So anyway, picking up and working for her came pretty easy, pretty quickly. Like second nature. I remember taking on my first house, BY MYSELF. I’m pretty sure I cried. … Yeah, I cried. It was an altogether new experience not having mama by my side. I suddenly felt incapable without her reassuring presence, like I had forgotten how to clean or something. But that happened quickly and within just a few months or so, I was cleaning mostly by myself. In fact, not long after that, the business had doubled! How amazing God is!! And to look back just almost two years ago to now, it’s truly a blessing to see the growth of “Helping Hands.” Looking back my Mom and I both had the same gaze as if searching for the “right answer” in each other. “Is this a rash decision… honestly, what are we thinking!?”  We didn’t know what the outcome would be or exactly how we were going to make it, but above all, we trusted God and knew He would provide no matter what!

In the process, I stopped going to school after my second year in. I completed two years, but that was all. I no longer had the passion to be a dental hygienist and honestly never really did. As many of us straight-out-of-high-schoolers, college newbies, we just want to be “successful” …”What’s going to get me the most money??” “I want to be well-off. Provide for my family and still have money left over for vacations and enjoyment.” We just want to obtain the American Dream. …

While there is nothing necessarily wrong with that... it can, however, limit or cloud God’s true calling on each of our lives. There are days I’m asked by people I barely even know “When are you going back to school?” “Don’t wait too long, or you’ll never go back” Sure, that may be true statistically speaking, but honestly I have no desire. No desire to waste any more money. No desire to sit in a classroom and listen to material that honestly is uninteresting to me. Basically no desire until I’m absolutely forced and have been assured by God and then reassured and then confirmed once more! LOL …Although I am not making enough money to move out or buy my next car just yet, I can say without a doubt and with no hesitation, I absolutely love what I do! There is no better feeling than waking up and feeling like what you are doing has purpose. It’s rewarding; it’s a privilege; it’s a blessing. Sure, on the outside it looks like “I’m just cleaning homes,” but it’s so much more than that. Gosh, is it SO much more than that. I work for people. Whether my job for the day was to solely ease their stress and check one last thing off their “to-do” list or if was to do that and possibly more, it brings me so much joy! They have helped in talking me through things, with their insight and wisdom; they’ve been true blessings more than they possibly even know. Just their true love, little “thank you” notes, and overall genuine concern for me as an individual melts my heart.

Of course there are days where I am tired and would like to call in sick, but I suck it up and find that day to end in one of the best days ever! (Not that I have much choice considering I live with my boss. HAHA) Just thought I’d state the obvious... But really my true motivation comes from the Lord. I love how He has helped me to grow as a person just by working the job that I work. For one, I am trusted in my clients’ homes- who are once complete strangers- WOW! I’ve learned what integrity truly means- doing what is right when no one is watching. Because do you know what that says? When no one else is there, God IS! So ultimately you ARE working for God. Ephesians 6:7 says “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people.” We can easily displease people (not measure up to their standards), but when we do our best and do it for the Lord since our true reward comes from Him, it makes life that much easier, and it makes work, well… not “work.” Instead, an honor!

I do have this pretty radical idea, and it may be “far out,” but I’ve been craving change and I’ve thought about the possibility of moving away for a summer to maybe expand the business or to start somewhere new with a clean slate. The beach was my most obvious first pick. (I can only think of that movie ~“Blue Crush”~ I mean I still feel like I was adopted from these humans and was taken out of my mermaid environment. hmph…sigh. But I am being serious, and would love nothing more than to do something crazy like that. I just have to take in account that my thought has to have much prayer before I just react. There would have to be someone to take on my client’s I already have here. No way would I leave them or gyp my mom like that out of selfish reasons and neither would God have me. I just feel through His word, God has been tugging at me, and this desire still feels like it wasn’t something I just made up. Ultimately I want… NEED for my desires and dreams to be in align with God’s will. We must be careful with our dreams… that they do not override His purpose for us. *Just ahhh, what a perfect point in my life. I’m still young, I’m single… seems perfect. I’m always discovering things about myself. I want to seek God more and more and find Him work through me! With that said, calling all prayer warriors!! Thank you, love you.

…It’s evident that the man’s words from today stuck with me. To the point where I came home inspired to write this. So thank you, man. There is one thing though I look back and wish I could’ve done. It would be to tell him all of this! ^ At least I’m hopeful that maybe my smile and attitude expressed it. But to me, I felt I could have done more. I feel maybe that was a perfect time to minister to him. I pray God give me the courage to not hold back at such a fitting opportunity to showcase Him, His word, His love. As a Christian, I sometimes find myself guilty of trying to be non-confrontational or 100% open with my love for Christ. We are not to be people pleasers, but in the same breath we must not condemn or judge them. Let’s just think though…what if that was their one chance to really hear about God. You may think you’re hitting a touchy subject so you avoid it. But don’t. It’s what we are called to do. Mar 16:15-16 And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.” Romans 10:13-15 For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?  And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”

Maybe I didn’t note God aloud to the man, but I pray some kind of seed was planted. I have no clue if he knew God or not, had a relationship with God or not. But we can simply preach by the way we live and the way we talk. Col 4:6 says “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

<3 - <3 - <3

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Col. 3:17

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” Col. 3:23

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

“A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure.” Proverbs 16:9

Love always,

Me ;)

It's ALL good baby bay-bay!

“Reflection must be reserved for solitary hours; whenever she was alone, she gave way to it as the greatest relief; and not a day went by without a solitary walk, in which she might indulge in all the delight of unpleasant recollections."
―Jane Austen

I only seem to “drop by” when I have these- what you call- “ah-ha” moments, but I guess that’s my cue to write it out. I’m honestly not sure where I’m going with this and I only submit rough drafts so bare with me.

It’s the first weekend of spring!! Can I just say…? IM IN LOVE! The warm weather, the sunshine, girl just can’t get enough. So needless to say, I’ve been enjoying outside- walking, climbing, laying…sunshine, you can have me any way! There is just something though about being in it alone, which I have had quite some time doing just that. It gets my wheels spinning, think tank on overdrive. (I’m talking about the good kind though). Reflecting back at my last post (September… WOW) my thinking wasn’t so “good.” TMI or whatever… but girls- we go through this window of time…each month…and we are a little sensitive… mmk? EVERY SINGLE THING is heightened. Well you know, it’s real and I don’t even try to make sense of it myself.

~ Long side note: Reverting to my very first post, you know of my eating disorder and tremendous weight loss. This is personal, but I’m literally beyond all that- I can spat to you almost anything about my life without blinking twice, because I DON’T FIND REASONS TO HIDE MYSELF ANYMORE and ESPEICALLY when I can bring God glory. There’s no shame in my perfectly human problems.

When women have too little or even excess body fat, they tend to lose their menstrual cycle. I lost mine for some time and eventually lost faith in that I would never be able to “do the one thing a woman is suppose to be able to do.” It took a major toll on me considering I had developed a healthy weight and still wasn’t fully healthy -in my eyes- because lack thereof. The only thing I could do was give it to God. I did however, give in… saw a GYN (I honestly despise any doctor’s office, so that was BIG) but I went and was confirmed the answer that I already knew (me so smart, LOL)... I was amenorrhea- mostly likely due to being really active, but he didn’t seem to find it detrimental so I guess I found peace in that…? Pressing forward, I just knew with time God was going to heal me, trusting Him in whatever His plan would be for me, I could rest assured knowing He had (HAS) by back always ;) Yours too! So with great news, I’m recovered from that and literally, unlike most of you women who despise the time, I find it to be a happy and wonderful time! I throw myself a party and remember how amazing God is!~

So, with that said, the biggest thing you can do… listen up… (gals and it may even help you guys too, actually yes! It will help you realize Mother Nature is at fault and that your girl/sister/mother/friend isn’t a total insane madwoman after all! LOL)…but the first step is to recognize. That’s with any problem, right!? Well when I realize my thinking is just completely sour and my attitude is piss-poor, I have to recognize it so that I can control it and revert to something more positive. So easy to say, yet so hard to do sometimes because emotions are real! I understand; I get it. However, reacting instead of responding, only leads to trouble for you and others around you.

So what am I getting at?

1. I have no earthly idea.

2. Okay, that’s a joke.

3. But in all seriousness- I’m a fixer…as most girls are, we like to be peacemakers. Problems solved and done, no more worries. Well life deals us things, for the greater good. It’s about taking it and handling it in such a manner that shapes us. When I know my thoughts are falling into that negative category I sit and pull out my pretty app that lets me know time is here and I’m like okay makes sense for my “get away from my bubble”/”you’re being so mean to me”/”I want all the ice cream, cake, and cereal, and pizza” mood. That’s seriously the funniest thing I’ve ever said...I’m HAlarious…okay, I’m just trying to make light. But yeap, seriously ladies, keep a calendar, mentally if anything! It helps me.

Enough with the “periods” and move on to the exclamations or something! ha. ha. What are you REALLY getting at you strange chick??

I’m filling you in. Updating you. From September to now, I’ve honestly CHANGED… it’s so possible, who would’ve thunk it?? I’ve come to accept things that weren’t meant for me like I had initially assumed they were. I’ve realized being alone doesn’t make you lonely. I’ve realized God is continually putting people in my life to serve as my “Paul” (to help teach me) and others as my “Timothy” (to let God’s love be revealed to them through me – ALL glory to Him!) I’ve found that it’s best to let things be, and not make anything out of something or jump to conclusions. It’s funny that I can get sort of personal on here, yet never initialize a conversation about me or my problems... I have to be asked first- I’ve always been that way, but once you ask, you might not be able to shut me up if I feel that trust connection. I keep to myself and let it stir in my mind. That’s why the introvert finds writing as a means of release. Holla! But friendship... friendship is so important, I’ve learned. God really smiles at it too! And I’ve learned that this time in my life is really rewarding, a time to really seek God more and more, a time to let him work in me, given that singleness can be a blessing, and not some sad status that society wants to label you as.

So all I really want to get at is this… might as well have just skipped to this last bit… just kidding, but honestly- You really can find joy in your weakest “seasons”! Just wanted you to know that, beautiful/handsome! Know where you stand in the Lord’s eyes, and don’t give way to the enemy’s mean ol’ lying trap hole. Be happy even when you feel you can’t… focus on the blessings of life, ‘cause IT’S ALL GOOD BABY-BAY*BAY!!

But this is cool too and a great way to close. Rarely do I ever check my devotional app that I have on my phone because I have a morning devotional in actual book form…you know the manual page turner...but anyways this is what it said:

“True humility and fear of the LORD lead to riches, honor, and long life.” –Proverbs 22:4

[and the little “sermon” to go along with it]: God is a god of prosperity who does bring riches. However, believing in Him, today will not bring $5000 tomorrow. Instead, walking with Him and seeking His ways will change your attitude. You begin to see events that happen to you in a different light. Bad things can be seen as blessings and learning experiences. In effect, you become abundantly prosperous because what you previously saw as trivial, meaningless, or burdensome have now turned to rich experiences. How rich is your life? Has your view of events changed over your walk with the Lord?

-Okay, wow, did you catch that?? God is ever so LOVELY! – Let me just say how confirming this blog post really was! First, I’m sitting here typing this, my phone lights up with the alert for the P.M, devotion. I’m literally wrapping up this post but I decide to open it up and instead read what was for the A.M. devotional! That is what I gave you above ^^ So I didn’t even look at the “appropriate” one (considering the time is not “At Morning”…you know that’s what you make of A.M. too, don’t lie) But it was SO appropriate, because God lead me there instead of the other one! And secondly, the verse was from Proverbs 22--- today is the 22^nd. That’s something I learned from my Mom, (there’s always a Psalm and Proverbs for everyday of the month) so how fitting for the Proverbs for today! Just double the confirmation, y’all!

Happy Spring!! Be the change you wish to see!

With much love, Me.

xoxoxox.

Just Write it Out, Baby

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” -Graham Greene, Ways Of Escape

Ever want to just shut the world off?

As bad as that sounds it’s what I feel like doing. But let me give reason as to why that is an unhealthy solution to whatever is troubling your heart and/or mind.

I’ve given it a trial run... the whole “I’m going to avoid every thing and every body” – “Just let me do ME for Pete’s sake.” Not much at all benefited from it. The only positive gainer was focusing on and prioritizing my relationship with God. Fact is, I’m a sinner; we are all sinners. (See Romans 3:23-24) and sometimes I fall off the track. Whether it is putting my energy in worldly things, people, and places- instead of God first- it’s when we fall short of eternal happiness and joy. “Things” are just that… they come and go, grow old and loose importance and value. But our God endures forever!

Sure, a nice run alone can clear your mind. Quiet time is good and essential. However, with everything there should be balance and moderation. Yeah, well…I didn’t quite follow that “rule of thumb.” I’m an introvert; there is no doubt about it. It’s just how I am built. Now that doesn’t go without saying I do love people, and I do love being social, absolutely, I just find peace/solace in being alone- I can reboot by myself. I don’t need the help from others… that just tends to have the opposite effect—it drains me. I don’t mean any offense by that, it’s just the truth.

But when I’m hurting I can tend to shut people off, and this time it’s a funk that I can’t shake so quickly. The cause doesn’t matter; it’s irrelevant. But it did bring up and surfaced every insecurity deep inside me… like BAM- In. My. Face. … Sometimes you feel so strong and then the going may get rough. I’ve come to realize the areas that I thought I have conquered, I’ve still got some growing to do there. –Okay, so about shutting people off. Don’t do it. If you’re anything like me… analytical you are. HARDCORE mind-racer! So the more I keep to myself, the more alone I am with my thoughts. Bad, bad idea, very very bad. Working out helped kick it for the time being… always does. But unfortunately you can’t keep the pump going all day, er sec. So not too long after that, thoughts resurfaced, so I decided to take a pool date…by myself…vitamin D, water, and music. Nope didn’t shake it. I just layed and contemplated. Not long after though, my wonderful mother walked herself down and layed out with me! All she did was ask, asked “what was up with me,” and I just spilled it out. I was word vomiting and it was invigorating…I was laying flat on my stomach while talking to her and moved to sit up on my back to sitting on my butt to sitting on my butt facing her...looking back I see, yes…it LITTERALY lifted a weight off… whatever, you can make fun. But I hope you can visualize how holding onto your troubles may keep you bogged down and heavy. You are too special to let this world keep you sad!

Last night I decided to use that energy towards something good, so I wrote down personal goals I want to achieve. Fitness goals, financial goals, life goals… D. All the above. CrossFit is something I have been meaning to try forever and finally, I did it! As nervous as I was, I’m so glad I went! It may be a love affair, but I am definitely working it into my budget. Where there’s a will, there’s a way…right!? I will get my daggum pull-up, yes I will! I want to actually feel strong inside, and for me that is to reach this goal of mine.

I also feel like I need to redirect my priorities. So, I’m cutting social media. It’s obviously an issue, and I need to eliminate it from my life, at least refrain from it for a whole week. Poof, be gone.

All this girl wants is REAL... as tangible as something can get, I want the real thing.

I love prayer and love praying for people. So anything!! Just call me, text me, leave me a comment, whatever/whichever! I believe that is important for us as people to be there for other people, and praying can be intimate, or done afar for that person. God gave us people to fellowship with…what a great gift! He just wants us to turn to him always! It is in HIM and HIS word that we find truth and the answer!

With much love,

Me.