Salvation and My Testimony

Hey, friend.

Grab a cup of coffee, I found my voice!

My story of the good work God has done in me is unique to my own journey; However, *the message* of my testimony of Jesus Christ is available to all.

Today, I felt the Lord prompting me to elaborate on the point of my previous post. I laid the foundation of my testimony by sharing my story. But maybe I only in a round-about-way specified what that actually means. I can’t help but get excited about the Good News of the gospel and sometimes I forget to make my point clear, but, the Lord is my best teacher and I learn a lot when looking back, in hindsight. He felt this follow-up post was important, and therefore, I do too.

Salvation.

That’s *the message* of the testimony of Jesus Christ.

That is what I have gained, by believing in Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

Salvation gives me life forever in heaven with my King. Salvation saves me from death: everlasting punishment in hell with Satan. (Read Matthew 25)

Our God, the Father, cannot dwell in sin. (Read Isaiah 59:2)

This is why He sent His Son to save us.

We have our God…that is our Father

We have the birth of Jesus Christ…that is the Son of God

We have the birth, and the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ…that is our salvation “IF you confess with you mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” (Romans 10:9) …and at the moment of conversion (the moment we are saved), we are filled with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13)

(That is the Trinity: God is… our Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit)

I called myself “Christian” and I believed in God. I also “believed” in Jesus… because I heard that’s what the bible teaches us if we want a ticket into heaven. I didn’t comprehend human sacrifice… God himself, God Incarnate, dying for the punishment of my sins? It wasn’t real for me, it didn’t change my heart because I didn’t allow it to; It was only a belief that I pushed into the back of my head. I had accepted this at a young age (10-11 years old) one day at church, along with my childhood bestfriend and a few other kids. The pastor was preaching to the youth group about Heaven and Hell and Salvation. He talked about hell and I remember the sanctuary being dark (literally and figuratively). That’s not a place I wanted to go and though our eyes were suppose to be closed at this certain time, I opened mine and peeked at my friend, who apparently didn’t want to go there either…she was already making her way to the altar. That’s where Pastor called us up if we chose to accept Jesus as our Lord. I soon followed. Pastor Tommy baptized me one Sunday morning afterwards in front of the congregation at Chestnut Grove Baptist Church (a church I only sometimes went to, but I am thankful for the times I attended and the people who carried me). It starts with a family member’s mother who needed a ride to church so my mom would take her some Sundays, which then stirred something in my mom to go. The mornings Mom attended, she would take me too. Also, I am so grateful for a family dear to mine who would take me when I spent Saturday nights over at their house (the family of my childhood bestfriend. We were both baptized on that same morning).

So here’s the next 14 years or so (give or take a year) -as a “Christian”- summarized at the best of my ability:

…not very active in church

…attended VBS, sometimes, with a family who watched my brother and I during the summer

…never studied the bible & prayed weak prayers in my mind

…never active in a community or group, other than sports teams
...sometimes went to Wednesday Night church service with a childhood friend
...went on one church retreat to Tennessee with a group of friends and their church and I came back pretty sick. (not a coincidence)

…had two seizures at age 11 and 13…I say that, first because all neurological tests, CT scans, and whatever else was done to find the cause…nothing came back abnormal, except the theory that hormones were the culprit. Secondly, read (Mark 9:17-22,25), (Matthew 17:14-20), (Luke 9:37-42), (Matthew 4:24), (Matthew 8:16), (Matthew 12:22), Casting out demons. If you believe that the Bible is the Word of God, then you must believe it to be true in it’s entirety. Those books are listed in the New Testament and make up the four gospels. This is real. (What God wants to further reveal to me about that part of my life, let Him have His way…what I do know and have is complete peace…shalom… and I know “affliction will not rise up a second time.” (Nahum 1:9) It is well with my soul.)

…My parents divorced when I was 13 years old.

…Mom accepted Jesus Christ into her life and I watched her change, as her faith grew. It was contagious. It affected me and got me curious.

…Mom tried to get us into a church; we visited several and became members of one, but had to eventually end up leaving, due to very real reasons. My mom received the spiritual gift of discernment and felt called to leave. That is all I will say.

…the spiritual battle was raging. After my parents’ divorce, my mom and me and my brother moved into a house off of “Battlement Circle.” Are you seeing the symbolism here? The city of Loganville, Ga…”Home of the Red Devils.” (Mom has correlated that one.) The neighborhood we lived in was built on a certain piece of property. Don’t miss this... The lady (Mrs. Watson) who my mom took to church was the very same lady who sold her house and property to this person who then sold it to that person, and eventually built the neighborhood we moved in to (Watson’s Mill). There was a deeper spiritual battle going on when Mom accepted Jesus Christ. Satan hated it. Mrs. Watson was a light and she planted a seed in Mom along the way, and there was a deep spiritual battle warring on 3360 Battlement Circle when Mom was stepping into her new self, her new life with Christ. WOW. just WOW. Only by God can I find symbolism in that and correlate/compare the spiritual to the reality.

...I learned a great deal about spiritual warfare, demonic forces, and witchcraft even. Something that happens still today, and very few are willing to admit that or allow themselves to believe it to be true.

…I began to build my faith around Mom’s faith. Because she shared a great deal with me about her testimony and experiences, I too, felt a part of her story. God wanted me to leave the nest and have my own story and testimony…nothing against my mom. At all.

…Sophomore year of highschool, somewhere in the middle of Mom’s conversion and the apparent spiritual warfare, I developed an eating disorder called anorexia. It was traumatic. I had a lot of stress from the divorce, and from factors I neither could control nor comprehend, so I picked something I could and the devil used it to my disadvantage. I had poor self esteem and bad body image. I lost friends and felt worthless. I was dating a guy throughout middle school and highschool and we broke up. I felt numb. I just didn’t care about anything.

…I, then, wanted to gain weight and find healing. I remember a guest speaker one day in my highschool elective dance class. The woman was a counselor coming to speak to the class as a whole about the severity of eating disorders. I felt the message was directed at me, and me alone. My parents were obviously very much concerned, too, and they of course tried to convince me to get medical help. I stubbornly declined. It was when Dad said he was going to take me, did I try to muster up courage to make the decision myself to eat more.

…I gained weight, but through bingeing. So I went from one extreme eating disorder to the next. (This is explained in a previous post)

…My eating disorders were “my story.” It’s what I shared when asked about my testimony. The youth leader laughed at me- That was my perception. So I kept quiet. Just kept being a listener. The devil didn’t want me to find my voice. “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.” (Gen. 50:20). Amen to that, sista! Amen to that, brotha! **Cue “Roar” by Katy Perry** GO GOD!
...In the middle of my eating disorders, Dad got remarried. They soon divorced, also.

…I got back together with my boyfriend, graduated highschool, went to college and freshman year we (my family...Mom, me and my brother) had to move into an apartment.

…August 12th, 2012- My brother was hit by a car while crossing the road. (also talked about in a previous post of mine). He was in the ICU with an induced coma for a week and went through months of therapy, surgeries, and recovery. His full recovery, with the exception of minor headaches from the brain trauma, is a complete miracle. The fact that he is still alive, can only be because of God. Thank You, Lord. Thank You! I witnessed the peace Mom had when I saw her in the emergency room that night. That was God.
…Things happened with me and my boyfriend at the time and it was time we went our separate ways.
...My mom got remarried. God called her out of a life of singleness and brought my step-father and her together. She and I moved in with him and his three boys into their house. My step-father is a man of God. His boys were raised in church and they know the Word and I see their fruits.

…Seeds were starting to sprout in my life. I wanted what Mom had. I desired that so much. I desired, also, what she and my step-father had (i.e.  their time in prayer together and God bringing it into fruition, their Marriage Covenant, and honoring God with their relationship)

…Mind you, I was continuing to live in unrepentant sin.

…I found other things to mask the loneliness and wounds I caused on myself (the sins) and ones that I had no control over (i.e. parents’ divorce).

…I busied myself in self, in my ego... anything and everything (but Jesus) to make me feel accepted and loved. It worked for awhile. The world drew me in. I was promiscuous to a certain degree that was enough for me to look back on now and be disgusted by. I displayed my body in unacceptable ways on social media. I had no self-respect. I was overly proud. I enjoyed the attention.

…It was temporary and as it was fading and as I was trying to get closer to God, I was dissatisfied.
...I was still dealing with eating disorders and I didn't understand why, God??

…Feb 2015 I was encouraged by my “What Happens When Women Walk in Faith” online bible study to leave my idol, which was covering the wounds caused by past sin and the current sin. It was filling the void. I let the idol compensate for the healing power of the blood of Jesus. "I have this under cover God, no big deal." That was a control issue. And an act of fear. Fear of failure/rejection.
...God used an older (than me) woman to speak Truth over me.. "slow down." So that's what finally encouraged me to leave what I was putting before God. The idol was causing me to live a chaotic, anxious life...it caused wreckage (literally and figuratively)

………………………..time in the tent with God……..”in the wilderness” (Hosea 2:14)………..

[intermission…if you must :) ]

...I joined an in-home bible study with a fabulous group of girls. God lead my bestfriend to join and she, in turn, invited me. We all engaged with one another in fellowship and with the Lord in His Word and in prayer. We initially went over the beginning of the the book of Luke. That's where God stirred my heart and used Luke 1:45 to give me Hope of His promises. I only attended a handful of times, but the Lord blessed it. I am thankful for those women.
...God was preparing me for His Grace. He used one of my dear friends to show me what that meant through our dispute and reconciliation. God brought it around full circle.

…I joined the next bible study “The Mended Heart” in July 2015 and asked God to expose the wounds I had self-medicated. He did. (July 6^th)
...I felt worthless when He did expose them. I was unable to forgive myself. God put a very special cousin of mine in my path to shine a light of Truth and she did it with Love. The way I was seeing myself wasn't an accurate picture of what Christ has done for me. I was basically denying the work that Jesus accomplished on the cross! "When you are wrapped up in guilt and condemnation, you need to forgive yourself! You can go through deliverance, but if you don't forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made, you won't experience the breakthrough that you need to be totally set free!" WOW. It was like I was saying I know Jesus died for my sins but IIII can't forgive my sins. I was saying I was mightier than the Almighty? Essentially, yes.

…Thursday, July 9^th 2015 The day my life changed forever. I was in the middle of cleaning and dealing with the resurface of my wound that I had asked God to reveal. I remember the moment clear as day. I turned on Pandora to the Francesca Battistelli channel. I was in some real need of uplift and encouragement. The first song to come on was “Healer” by Kari Jobe. “Jesus You’re all I need…You’re my healer.” I proclaimed it first in my mind and then confessed it with my mouth. I wept. This revelation brought me to my knees and the Holy Spirit showered me with love. I don’t know how to describe the feeling. No words would do it justice.

…I was dating amongst all of this. I obviously wasn’t ready. I can see that, in hindsight.

…I knew nobody could make me whole, nobody but Jesus. But God wanted to reveal much more to me than that. I didn’t know the extent and depth of how badly I had been affected from my parents’ divorce. I didn’t know how fearful I was that I would make the same mistake. I held a lot of expectations, which inevitably puts a lot of pressure on another. And, I was unintentionally laying my personal convictions on others. :(

…When I stopped loving the idea of love and fell in love with Jesus, I found peace. I found my walk of faith. Trusting Him is not always easy and there are days when I want a bigger view of my future than just the day that I have been given. “One day at a time,” I have to tell myself.
...I went to and still go to church on Sunday mornings, and sometimes I would honestly skip because of insecurity. I've gone with others to theirs and have enjoyed the sermons. God has always been working through each and every sermon, each and every person he brings into my life (I love you all! and I couldn't be any more grateful and blessed by you!) and through every act of my obedience.
...I have a close knit circle of friends, who have listened to me and have prayed over me through it all.
...I have desires to get involved in community. Do less and BE more.
...I believe I am healed from my eating disorder because Jesus fills me and I am satisfied.

So, *grasps for breath of air* that’s as transparent as I come, minus the exception of some personal details- maybe used for one-on-one, face-to-face conversations. Whatever the Lord wills, I ask Him to use me where He sees there’s a need.

God can only work in us and use us as much as we make ourselves available. I’m on fire for God! You can be too!!!

So this is a general overview of my testimony:

1. I knew God, and knew Jesus as only a “theory.”

2. I had unrepented sin in my life. The sin had consequences.

3. I had wounds from them that I caused and others had caused.

4. I chose idols to help fill the void and used them to self-medicate.

5. Nothing I did relieved the pain.

6. I found Jesus to be my Healer. He forgave me, and wiped my slate clean.

7. He did a good work in me and will continue until the day He returns.

8. I can walk in peace. I can walk, being fulfilled with the love of Jesus and I can serve others without losing myself.

9. Because I have Jesus, I have purpose and joy.

10. Because I have Jesus, I am free.

My dad raised me to be grateful and I learned what a genuine "thank you" can do. So, thank you Daddy! I wouldn't be the woman I am today without your kind heart. AND I am so thankful God has allowed this time for us to make new memories as we have lost some over the years not living together. Also, thank you to everyone I have EVER crossed paths with...for showing me love in your own unique way! You've been the hands carrying me home.

Finally, thank you so much for listening. 

I hope God uses my testimony to touch your life in a way only He can. Jesus is the only One who can save your soul. Believing in God never made me a Christian; I never knew for certain where I was going when I left the earth. Now, I have no doubt in my mind, that I forever belong in the Kingdom of God, and will spend eternity in heaven with my King when I leave earth.

Dear God, 

Thank you for this sweet sister, this sweet brother who you lead here today to read my story and the testimony of your love and sacrifice. Lord, I pray that her heart, his heart wouldn't be hardened to this truth. I pray you would reach the depth of her soul, his soul. I pray your invitation of eternal life would weigh so heavily on them that they would have no other option but to accept and forever be changed. Thank You, Lord for what You are doing, even for the things that I may never see. You are good and I can rest assured knowing none of this was in vain. To yours be the glory forever and ever. In Jesus' name, Amen.

 

With so much love,

xo.

A Well Considered “Yes”

“Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.” –Luke 1:45

Mary was the chosen vessel to nurture the Messiah.

Elizabeth was told of the place her son (John the Baptist, *see Luke 1:5-25, 57-80) would hold in the divine economy.

Each accepted her role and that of her son with humble obedience. Though different in age and in season of life, Mary and Elizabeth were the same in their commitment, which prompted each to offer herself to the Savior.

It’s important to note the scripture here. Mary went to the house of Zacharias to greet Elizabeth. As soon as the voice of Mary was heard, John leaped for joy in the womb of his mother, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit (v.40-41 & 44).

We see Mary respond with a hymn of praise, known as the Magnificat. It spoke of the deliverance of Israel, both spiritual and physical; but it also told of the illumination that would come to the Gentiles.

Her song in Luke (chapter 1, verses 46-55) was made up of bits and pieces of a bunch of different Psalms. Some suggest that the literary masterpiece could not come from a young peasant girl. However, such conjecture dismisses divine inspiration, which by definition surpasses human ability and giftedness. Divine inspiration is able to place a heavenly message in an earthly vessel. I believe it’s safe to say, Mary knew her bible… in the very least. The angel, Gabriel, called her highly favored one (v. 28). Let us read Mary’s song:

“And Mary said:

‘My soul magnifies the Lord,

And my spirit has rejoiced in

    God my Savior.

For He has regarded the lowly

    state of His maidservant;

For behold, henceforth all

    generations will call me

    blessed.

For He who is mighty has done

    great things for me,

And holy is His name.

And His mercy is on those who

    fear Him.

From generation to generation

He has shown strength with His

    arm;

He has scattered the proud

    in the imagination of their

    hearts.

He has put down the mighty

    from their thrones,

And exalted the lowly.

He has filled the hungry with

    good things,

And the rich He has sent away

    empty.

He has helped His servant Israel,

In remembrance of His mercy,

As He spoke to our fathers,

To Abraham and to his seed

    forever.’

Mary actually described herself as the maidservant (Greek word is doules, “female servant”) of the Lord. There is no hint of an oppressive bondage imposed by another but rather a self-determined submission to the will of God.

Pastor John’s words from today’s sermon:

“The angel shows up and says to Mary, ‘Hey, God loves you and favors you and wants to do something amazing in your life.’ But it’s troubling, challenging, costly and potentially painful for Mary. So, she engages with God. One commentary explains it like this…Mary did not submit to the will of God, rather Mary surrendered to the totality of her being, engaging the will of God… She says a well-considered “yes” to what God is doing.”

{Yes, God is always doing. Never resting. Omnipresent. God does not force or impose, but He stirs and invites. He wants to do something amazing in your life! I wish I could grab each of you by the hand and look into your eyes and tell you personally, because it’s YOU who He loves and favors. Maybe someday I can. Someday, like Mary and Elizabeth, maybe our paths will cross.}

This Christmas is one I shall always remember.

How could I forget God’s lovingkindness?

This season is why we can live free. The birth of Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection-it's what's saved humanity for all eternity.

But we have a choice to accept or reject the invitation.

Jesus has saved my life forever!

…He calls me out beyond the shore into the waves. And it’s His love- wave after wave- that crashes all over me! I have been washed by the water! A couple posts back I wrote about Faith and where the journey with God takes us. Since then, He has yet again, revealed more and more to my spirit. I use the words in Mary’s song for personal shouts of praise to my Heavenly Father.

Saying “yes” whole-heartedly to God started near the beginning of this year for me. As I have mentioned in a previous post, it took God’s wisdom to acknowledge the idols I had placed before Him in my life and His strength to deny myself and my selfish desires. This is my testimony:

February 21^st is when He spoke through one of my good friends. “What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this.” (John 13:7) His word couldn’t have been any more true to me at that moment. No, Lord. I do not know what You are doing. I don’t understand it. Why am I having to walk away from something that makes me “happy”? Although immature, I was still responding to the will of God, progressing in my spritual maturity and walk with the Lord. I decided to remove the idol, which happened to be the gym (for me at the time), from my life until God made me whole in that area.

A little over a month later, I remember God speaking to me again through His word concerning the same matter because I still didn’t understand His purpose. I had been running and exercising outside, doing things in nature. On this day, April 1^st, God gave me comfort through Isaiah 43:19-20: “Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The beast of the field will honor Me, the jackals and the ostriches, because I give waters in the wilderness and rivers in the desert, to give drink to My people, My chosen.” I had just gotten done with a run at Stone Mountain and packed a bag for afterwards to study out in the warm, sunny spring day. I parked my toosh on a rock facing a lake with the mountain behind it. The scenery couldn’t have been any more true to the analogy that God was about to speak to my spirit. “…now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?” Actually, God, I do not know it, no. But I know that it is good and I trust that you are, in fact, doing a new thing! That day brought me hope for what He had already begun. Like Mary, I too was surrendering to the totality of my being. It was the acknowledgment of my idols and sin that was leading me to repentance and a life completely dependent on the fullness of God’s love. I didn’t walk away from those things because I thought it would make God love me more. No. He loved me first. That’s the whole message of the gospel. That’s the reason for the season… for Christmas!

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:16-17)

“If we think God’s love is simply a barrage of mandates reigning down from On High, then we don’t know God the way Mary knows God” –Pastor John

AMEN!

“…the world through Him might be saved.” We have a choice. The invitation to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior is not exclusive to Christians, but to all of His creation. You and me, sinners. You and me, male and female, You and me, differing in race. But it’s you and me, who are loved equally by God who calls us to be set-apart Christians. Devoted Christians. Not half-way in the water, but fully immersed and sanctified by the truth that God is love. We just have to choose! Choose to dive in!

Change is difficult and challenging; it can be costly and painful, and it can be lonely. I can only imagine being in Mary’s shoes perhaps feeling burdensome or fearful of such great news. In her day, a woman who was pregnant, or had sex out of wedlock was stoned (see Deut. 22). However, we don’t know for certain how often and how regularly that happened. So with that in mind, and the fact that she was a virgin, How could this be true? (she asked the angel, v.34). We may ask the same question regarding Mary’s story and even our own, but great faith defies all logic.

Satan whispered lies to try and real me back in. He works through the world, you know. Through commercial ads, through pop-culture music, through media…telling us that we are not good enough, tempting us back into our old ways so we can feel accepted by the rest of society. All of that is garbage and a tool used by the enemy. We are not called to “fit in.”  We are not to conform to this world (Romans 12:2). He called us out of darkness into His marvelous light. (1 Peter 2:9) Jesus says it best: “I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth. As you sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they also may be sanctified by the truth.” (John 17:15-18)

The months proceeding were difficult to say the least. I was being stripped of my old self and my old ways to follow the Lord, in order to put on a new self. I felt barren and naked. I felt exposed, wounded and broken. Maybe not to others in it’s entirety, but to myself and that alone, was enough. God revealed to me during those months much of my brokenness, and none of it felt good. I knew that I had to remain faithful. I had to endure and trust that He would never leave me nor forsake me. I had to believe that His strength would continue to bring me through; it would pull me out of the pit that I was headed for. He knew that I had to learn. He knew that I had to see what it was that He was healing. Otherwise, how could I bring Him praise? If I am His hands and feet, what story would I have to offer, personally, to the testimony of Jesus Christ had I not walked through the fire? Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Because I was working out all the implications from all that I had said “yes” to, I did feel isolated, in a way, from the rest of “mankind”. I had to busy myself in Jesus plus nothing. I am thankful for the friends and family who have stuck with me and have allowed me this time. To the ones who love me enough to accept this season of my life, when you could have easily walked out, I thank you for sticking through and being my praying warriors. You the real MVPs ;)

This is not to bring myself any credit. No. “I am a nobody, just trying to tell everybody about somebody who can save anybody.” God has brought everything that is good into my life. But it does take effort. It takes work. Seeking the Lord is a choice we must willingly make. Becoming His whole-hearted servant and not just a toes-in-the-water-type-of-Christian.

So I devoted time. TIME!!!! Allotted TIME. I had to MAKE SPACE in my “oh-so-busy-schedule” to engage with God. Not rushed prayer in between breakfast and brushing my teeth, but I made it a point to get into His word daily and wait for His voice. I have to be in tune to the Holy Spirit’s guidance throughout the day, so I feel there is no other way than to start the day with the Lord."We must exchange whispers with God before shouts with the world."-Lysa Terkeurst
I made it a point to find inspiration and encouragement in bible studies and spiritual readings. I bought prayer journals to write and reflect in. Prayer journals help me so much! I can look back today and marvel at the good work He has done in me! I don’t take His mighty power in you and I lightly! It’s so amazing to bare witness to the love of Jesus Christ.

The destination to my journey is far far away in the future, far many years from now, God-willing. I am always evolving and growing. This is the biggest transformation in my life, as I can see it. I have a true testimony!!

I remember meeting with a lady, whose name shall go unmentioned. I was sixteen at the time and my mom was looking for a home church for her, my brother, and me. Every thing about meeting with this lady felt strange, odd, and uncomfortable. Though she was the youth leader (at the church we were currently visiting), it still felt random that she wanted to meet with me, but I complied. We met at a mutual Starbucks. She wanted to hear “my story”. All I had to offer her was how I had just went through a serious eating disorder. “That’s your testimony?” (she snickered). I felt shamed and wrong for uttering a deep personal issue with this stranger. I felt that mustering up enough courage to just even speak, was being spit back into my face. Everything felt wicked and dark and unloving. At the time I didn’t know the deeper spiritual battle warring around me. My flesh did not like this woman. I did not want to give her the power, so I waited to cry until we were no longer face to face. And if that wasn’t enough for me the bury myself and zip my mouth shut for the rest of my life, the devil put the icing on the cake when she and I were departing. I had my very first job interview later that week and I asked her if she would pray for me. She looked at me and said “ok,” but her body language read “ok, rightttttt.” and she did actually snicker aloud. Though she smiled, my perception read that she was laughing at me. Maybe I didn’t have a true testimony then, but I was on my way and the enemy saw it too. He tried but you already know who won!!!

Just recently, everything has seemed to come together, that’s why its now that I am sharing! December 9^th, God lead me to Hosea 2:14 & 19-20 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. …I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me. In righteousness and justice, in lovingkindess and mercy; I will betroth you to me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.” So, THAT’S what You were doing, Lord!!? I did not understand it then, but now I do! You have paved the narrow road in the wilderness, and you have been my living water. You bring me NEW LIFE!!! And my heart is content with Your plan for me. You know the thoughts that you think towards me, thoughts of peace not of evil. That scripture from Hosea was from a devotional I receive via email and I decided to check it that day. The very next day, God once again used Hosea to confirm His purpose/plan and this time He spoke through my Proverbs 31 online bible study “Unglued” by Lysa Terkeurst. It was Hosea 10:12 “Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap in mercy, break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the Lord, till He comes and rains righteousness on you.”

“…break up your fallow ground.”

He was tearing down all the unsteady walls I had built against Him. I am no carpenter and I was building on a weak foundation. God saw that and stepped inside the door of my heart and began a day of demolition, so He could lay a new, strong foundation. Amen, amen, amen!!!

I never worked on my “underbelly.” I stored my mess in the closets of my heart and swept them under the rugs. I bandaged them with worldly things. I tried to portray a life of togetherness to the world, but inside I was crying. Behind closed doors, I was breaking.

“Doing all the tough work on the underbelly will pay off down the road when I know all the pretty décor is not covering up anything but rather enhancing the architecture. And this is exactly what the underbelly of my life looks like. Isn’t this what we do in our personal development and spiritual lives? We are in such a hurry to look good that we put on the pretty décor to appear as if we’re all together, but so often we don’t take care of the underbelly. And, man, this is hard work. Some days it doesn’t seem like I’ve gotten much done…I still get offended when someone asks a question in a way that makes me feel like I’ve failed. I still want to retaliate when someone hurts me. I still get insecure when I don’t feel comfortable. I still get jealous when someone else accomplishes the thing I dream of doing, The underbelly takes tough work that isn’t always immediately visible, but it’s the foundation to our health- emotionally and spiritually. (1)” –Jenny Catron

After He had already used more than just a few verses in Hosea, I felt God leading me to read the book of Hosea in its entirety. Had I not, I would have missed “…’But Me she forgot,’ says the Lord.” (2:13) and “I knew you in the wilderness, in the land of great drought. When they had pasture, they were filled; they were filled and their heart was exalted; therefore they forgot me.”

I forgot You, Lord. I forgot You. Oh, the sadness my soul did feel reading over that truth. Oh the tears I wept for forgiveness. When I had “pasture,” (i.e. worldly acceptance and validation) I was “filled.” This idea of fullness conveys the sense of complacency, leading to a false sense of self-reliance so that my heart was exalted. Therefore, I forgot Him. I am so sorry, Lord. I was the promiscuous Gomer. I was a selfish harlot in my own way. But God shows compassionate and unconditional love for His people and His anger at our disobedience. Gomer’s life also illustrates the depth of God’s forgiveness and restoration. The Lord told the prophet, Hosea, to marry Gomer- the wife of harlotry and adulteress- and redeem her as a picture of His relationship with His people. How amazing!

I do pray that God will use His story and work in me to help you have faith to say “yes”, or to help you trust your “yes”, or to give you hope in the blessings of His promises because of your decision to say “yes.”

Like Mary and Elizabeth, we can rejoice in His goodness and lovingkindess, in His blessings and the miraculous power of His love. We can have peace because the ultimate sacrifice has saved our souls, “that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” (Romans 10:9)

“For with God, nothing will be impossible.” (Luke 1:37)

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke in his youth.” (Lamentations 3:25-27)

I encourage you to lay the foundation in your singleness and while you are young (also see Proverbs 3). I so strongly want God to break the curse of divorce that runs in my family. Being a child of divorced parents, God has made me passionate about the way He views love and marriage and has changed my misconceptions my former self had me believing. Thank God He came through. I’ll save that for another blog post, perhaps. Anyway, my brokenness from that, was revealed over a decade later, because that’s when I finally decided to allow God in and mend me.

I could seriously go on and on. But I'll have time, if God allows me to share more and more. And quite honestly, It’s too late to have a fifth cup of coffee… that’s a lie, a third. Just two today, y’all!

Until next time,

I pray “that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and depth and height- to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”

MUCH LOVE and Merry Christmas!! It’s not too late to say “yes” to God and experience Jesus in a fresh way this season!

“For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

xoxoxox

Notes:

(1) From Jenny Catron’s blog “Leading in Shades of Grey.” This post titled “The Underbelly”

 http://www.jennicatron.tv/the-underbelly/.

Also, Pastor John’s words and sermons can be found off the Grace Snellville website (gfc.tv) I do encourage you to come visit one of the Grace locations if you are searching for a church family! It’s much better in person, and God knows we need community! (“For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them."-Matthew 18:20

Faith: A Glorious Adventure with God.

“We don’t have to be brave or smart or witty. We don’t even need to know exactly where we are going—just whom we are following.” –Lysa Terkeurst

“Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom! One generation will commend Your works to another; they will tell of Your mighty acts!” (Psalm 145:3-4)

"Maybe your pain is really just a blessing waiting to lighten the burdens of others."

You ever get so excited to share something that you just don’t know how you’ll possibly ever be able to make sense of it for others to understand or how to make it sound as good as it really is in your head/heart? It’s like I need a speedy brainstormer in my head to organize all the details encompassing this beautiful “ah-ha” moment (truth) that God has revealed to me, because, shoot we don’t have time for webbing or outlines; we are on the edge of our seats just waiting to explode with good news!

I don’t know if you remember or even know, but March and April of 2013 I wrote a blog post dedicated to FAITH. That’s over two years ago and now I feel that God has led me to share where my faith stands today!

My heart was forever changed the moment I had accepted God as my Lord and that Jesus had died to save me eternally! My walk with God began there… as a pre-teen. And now, at age 23, I don’t think my 11 year old self knew she could truly have a relationship with God, what that even meant, and for it to be as beautiful as they all proclaim it to be. Oh but, now, this I know! There is no other love than the love of our Creator! It is COMPLETELY perfect! One of my “online bible studies” put on by Proverbs 31 Ministries reminded me of this: the adventure with God is a lot less about the places He eventually takes us and more about the relationship He establishes with us along the way. And boy does that ring true! Maybe a growing relationship can’t be categorized as a physical place, but to have better understanding and love for something…someone… than you once did, shows that you are not where you once were when you first met, and to me, that’s a different place! Each day is important in our walk with God; some days are just more profound and pivotal. I’ve found that opportunity arises the moment our eyes see a new day, and that our purpose isn’t some arrival we get to and stop. God created us for His glory. That’s it. We will have found the truest joy and peace and satisfaction in life when we fulfill that purpose.

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and daughters from the ends of the earth – everyone who is called by my name, who I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” (Isaiah 43:5-7)

This year is not yet over and by no means am I wishing it away. 2015 has just personally been tremendous and a year of impact in my walk with the Lord. I have stumbled, fallen, and failed. God softened my heart, reopened wounds, and exposed the messy, fleshly, broken little girl that I was. Proverbs 24:16 tell us: “for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Never has God kept me down. He has given me the strength to rise back up again and again. It’s the strength we find in the very much misused, misapplied, and misinterpreted verse, Philippians 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

You see, I know God wouldn’t want me to go off on a tangent about how much this irks me as if I am somehow “better than.” I think this most upsets me, because I, too, was that individual, plucking this verse out of its context for MY advantage. You know how when you but heads or have clashing personalities with someone, more often times than not it is because you are the same. So for this scenario, that is applicable and true. I was arguably against that verse being used for self-gain, yet I was living for MYSELF. I remember when God unsettled me, started to stir something in me about a couple years ago when I saw Philippians 4:13 painted on the walls of a gym. “Why does this not set well with me, Lord?”

It is important to note that a big problem often occurs when we take a verse out from the Bible. The context and meaning of one or two sentences disjointed from its message can be altered tremendously. Just like I wouldn’t take Acts 14:28 “And they stayed there a long time with the disciples.” A random example, yes, but is this making sense? We would have to read more to know who stayed where a long time and for what and why. Sometimes you have to read entire chapters or more to get the meaning of one sentence. This truth is a personal conviction. God does comfort us with His word. The problem is this: Philippians 4:13 has become a battle cry of self-willed. The hiccup begins with “I”. The mistake is when we make this passage about ourselves. It’s like saying “I want to do something that I have determined I want to do and I am going to employ the power of Christ to accomplish my goal. Anything that is focused on self is worldly and is a sin.

“All things” …I don’t think God would enable a self willed person to do all things. Remember the fall; remember what man was like when he did? “The Lord saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.” (Genesis 6:5) …Jesus knew that “everything is possible” with God, but look at how he prayed to God in Mark 14:36 “And he said, Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” No wonder all things are possible through Christ! Jesus gave it all to God and did nothing on his own accord.

Lets back up to verse 12 in Phil. chapter 4 where Paul says: “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or in want.” Now, let’s reflect on 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 where the same Paul says: “To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So, it is through Paul’s sufferings, do we learn the kind of strength he imposes in Philippians 4:13. This man suffered greatly, all for the glory of God. The key to this verse is “through Christ.” Yes, we can be empowered to do anything but that “anything” must be God’s will, not our will. We can learn from Jesus and how he lived. He gave the power to God. We can learn from the apostle Paul. God gave him a thorn in his flesh, not as a punishment but as a course correction. God gave him the strength and ability to accomplish all things for the glory of the Lord. God had a purpose for Paul’s life and He was going to make sure that Paul didn’t let his ego interfere with that purpose.

…

I remember back in April coming home one night (…most likely from the gym) listening to the radio and then I heard THIS:

"...'I want my old life back.' And very gently but firmly, through Colossians chapter 1, God reminded me that it wasn’t my old life I wanted back. It was my old idols I wanted back, and He loved me too much to give them to me. And what I realized in that moment was just how dependent I had become on human approval and human acceptance and what other people thought of me to make me feel important and to make me feel like I matter. And it was during that time that God liberated me by helping me to see that Jesus plus nothing equals everything. And I know that sounds like a trite, preachable tagline, but it became my lifeline." -Tullian Tchividjian

This hit me like a ton of bricks because of how much I could relate. I was at a crossroads in my life. *As I was delighting in the Lord- seeking Him, deepening in my relationship with Him, He was giving me the desires of my heart. Godly desires.* But I was fighting them and His will for my life, all for the comfort of my old ways. Yet, my old ways were so unsatisfying. “Why does this no longer bring me pleasure??” I would often wonder. I knew that the gym had become an idol in my life. (Personal conviction) My exercise had become a placement for vanity and human approval/acceptance. I now see it as a slap in the Lord’s face. I was sadly saying, “I know Jesus loves me, but that’s just not enough.” And when we live that way, we can become so insecure in who we are, emotions being taken on a roller coaster, because humans fail, Jesus is constant, to simply put it. I want to know every day who I am in Christ. Not who I am to someone who doesn’t see or know Kalynn’s whole heart. How could they possibly, even? God is omnipresent; He sees and knows, and He loves you so!!!

**Sidenote** “Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalms 37:4) This verse is also often misinterpreted, I would say. God is not a genie. This doesn’t mean “because you love God, He will grant you your wish for that new car.” Instead, as we seek God and become more Christ-like, it’s inevitable that we will have a heart change too. God will put godly desires within our hearts. We will desire to be more like Jesus and less like this world. This is what I was fighting through the transition of denying my selfish ways and following the path of God. Fully surrendering is hard, but it is worth it

"Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" (Matthew 16:24-26)

It’s important to have godly men and women in our lives. Whatever the relationship be… mentors, friendships, parents… we all need at least someone, who is going shine godly insight on a situation that we are unable to see for ourselves. God talks through His word but just like He talked to me through the radio, He also works through people. I remember being laid up on the couch, due to a shin injury (caused in the gym). I was so disappointed and quite honestly frustrated because I wanted to workout so badly. I got a phone call from one of my best friends, who is a godly influence in my life. She was relaying the message she received from her pastor’s sermon, and as she was giving me scripture, the verse from John 13:7 stuck with me: “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” I was still in an immature and selfish stage, but God was definitely speaking to my heart. It was becoming clear to me that the path I was on, was “crumbling” for a reason. Just as Paul endured for the sake of course correction, I, too, was being called to get my own hands off the steering wheel and lift them up in full surrender to God so that He could direct me somewhere else. Somewhere better. I fought it and I fought it. The Holy Spirit’s still, small voice was there, but I dismissed it. Life shouldn’t be so hectic. Not when God says to live in peace… “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15) and “I have told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

It’s almost embarrassing to admit, but I was literally sacrificing my life for the sake of the gym. Ironically enough, right!? As I would rush to get there, I was getting in more wrecks than I would like to recount. I was on the verge of depression. I was hurting my body with injuries because I was letting my ego lead me. I was hurting my body also through other destructive means… excess of food, excess of physical activity. I was pure drained! My energy had plummeted. Nothing about the gym satisfied my soul. My days revolved around the gym, plain and simple. I put God on the back burner and my idols took precedence. Crash and burn, Kalynn. CRASH. AND. BURN.

I remember another godly influence in my life said, “maybe this is God’s way of saying slow down.” I took it to heart and realized “okay, I’ll spend my time in nature… outside and away from the gym and just breathe. The problem wasn’t people in the gym. The problem wasn’t the gym itself. The problem was my attachment to the gym. The problem was that it became more important to me than my relationship with God. I didn’t realize that until recently.

I was in such turmoil, that I almost sacrificed a truly great friendship because of it. One of the very few godly relationships that He has blessed me with. My heart drops just remembering that day… I almost let go of something so special. BUT God wasn’t going to have it and neither was she. I learned a great deal through that experience. I learned to work through the hard things and not give up. Though the conversation was very difficult- we fought, we cried- God brought it full-circle. We then cried happy tears, rejoiced with laughter, praised our King and I can only remember maybe one other time where the presence of God, His smile, was THAT heavy on me. She felt it too! She taught me what grace was.

“Do not despise these small blessings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin.” (Zechariah 4:10

an excerpt from my journal entry: “…I am enjoying hearing and seeing You work in my life. Though I do not know the ‘when,’ ‘who,’ ‘why,’ and ‘how,’ I see that You are working on my heart to accept what You have planned for me and You are giving me the courage to be my true, authentic self and not a people-pleaser, but a daughter of You, my King, so that I can interact and communicate with my brothers and sisters in Christ, in a way that honors you and glorifies Your name. So thank You!...” (God sees past the comma splices and run- on sentences ;) lol)

That experience with my dear friend was profound and pivotal.

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” (1 Timothy 4:8)

When I was feeling torn between giving into my idols or pleasing God, I was doing an online bible study “What Happens When Women Walk in Faith” by Lysa Terkeurst. I learned that I was being called to live a life of obedience. I had to leave behind something that kept me “secure” (in my eyes) and trust that God would provide something better. He gave me greater faith! He made it true to me that He has been and always will be my security blanket! My rock, my salvation! The way He provides requires us to pursue a relationship with Him on a daily basis, receiving our portion every day. God will reveal himself to us through the manner in which He provides. The death of our dreams allows God to work in our lives so that He can bring us into a new season of growth! I knew that I had to sacrifice my obsession with physical gains in order to be spiritually strengthened. I have not gone from one extreme to the other. I have, however, recognized what is more important… it’s that which is eternal! So, maybe I am not where I wish to be physically. That is the hardest realization.

I have struggled for some time with how I have been destructive in my health choices along my journey, even while seeking God. I’ve asked myself, ‘how can I gain so much spiritually and lose so much physically?” “How did I give into so much temptation?” (the temptation of binge-eating). When I thought I was completely cleared of that unhealthy lifestyle, it was being rehashed. Well, the previous lifestyle didn’t contain a life deeply rooted in Christ. I knew God. I knew Jesus died for my sins. I knew I was a Christian. I didn’t know that Jesus was the lover of my soul. That He cares deeply for me; that He calls me His Beloved, Chosen, Precious, Special, Beautiful, Princess. That He pursues me, and desires a true relationship with me. His love is constant and unconditional. So, now with the security of Christ’s love, I know that “no temptation has overtaken [me] except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let [me] be tempted beyond what [I] can bear. But when [I] am tempted, He will also provide a way out so that [I] can endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13) I have to want it. I have to saturate myself in the truth constantly! There is hope and I’m not called to just give up, remember?

While on the topic of temptation, I have joined another gym. Although, I miss where I use to be, I had to switch to something closer; it was a choice I needed to make so that I could decrease my expenses and better my finances. The temptation to make the gym the center of my life still could come up. However, I know the battle a little better this time. There is nothing wrong with trying to be strong and confident. The key is humility. Hubris means excessive self-confidence or pride, and it can lace my life if I seek recognition, my own glory, and independence. Hubris leads to its bearer’s death – pride goeth before the fall, most certainly. There is nothing wrong with going to the gym for strength and a better confidence and self-esteem. The wrong comes when we try to cultivate these qualities apart from a paradoxical dependence on God. Without God, it’s all for naught. Like I previously stated, God’s glory is the objective of His creation. When I denied Him of that, He, in his righteous jealousy, allowed a demise…a death…a “gracious fall.”

…

God created Kalynn Nicole Smith to feel every emotion, and deeply. This I know. It’s my character and how He made me. I remember being told as a little girl “You’re too sensitive.” It broke me. I hid emotions behind closed doors more and more. I let it affect me throughout my life and on into my twenties. I would feel wrong about feeling what I was feeling, and so I battled it, and the emotion would linger and linger. It wasn’t until recently, (honestly),…almost at age 24…that I realized I had someone to cry out to, who would wipe away my tears and comfort me. After finishing “What Happens When Women Walk in Faith,” I began the next bible study, “The Mended Heart,” by Suzanne Eller.

You know the song Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) by Hillsong Worship?

All these pieces broken and scattered

In mercy gathered, mended and whole

Empty handed, but not forsaken

I’ve been set free, I’ve been set free

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I am found

Was blind but now I see

Oh, I can see it now

Oh, I can see the love in Your eyes

Laying Yourself down

Raising up the broken to life

You take our failures, You take our weakness

You set your treasure in jars of clay

So take this heart, Lord, I’ll be your vessel

The world to see, Your life in me

…Just beautiful.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Cor. 4:7-9, emphasis added)

Our Lord longs to partner with us as we enter a new chapter of our lives. Heartbreak, I will feel it. Surely. But with God, now I can endure it. It doesn’t stay long, because I know that Jesus’ love is unshakable. I am secure in Christ. I know who matters and who I matter to. Forever and always. Insecurity can’t dictate our life when we are secure in the love of Christ. And the best part, we can love freely without the fear of rejection. Just love. The world needs our love. The enemy keeps us from giving our hearts away. God is love and Satan doesn’t want others to be welcomed into that joyous truth. “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

Through “The Mended Heart” bible study, I asked God, “Expose me Lord!” and I wrote John 3:20-21 next to it which says “Everyone who does evil, hates the light, and will not come into the light for the fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done by God.”

I wanted God to lay out ALL my brokenness before me. And I kid you not, the very next day, God exposed an area of my life that I had never mended from, and it had happened 3 years ago. I was holding onto bitterness and hatred that I swept under the rug, and that my brothers and sisters, is slow suicide. Bitterness is a self-induced poison, and it weighs heavy. THAT revelation brought me to my knees. This is the other instance I was talking about, where I felt the overwhelming presence of the Lord. I can only imagine what heaven will be like when we worship and praise our God Almighty forever and ever! The song “Healer” by Kari Jobe came on Pandora while I was cleaning and then I felt it and knew it in my heart to be true: God is my healer. No one or nothing else can suffice. Every thing else only bandages the issue. We fill up on food, money, clothes, sex, social media, or whatever the idol(s), and we are constantly looking for the next best thing to satisfy us. It’s Jesus who wants to make us complete. It is Jesus who wants to mend our broken hearts. It’s been Jesus all along. 

Both of my online bible studies were from Proverbs 31 Ministries, so naturally, I have desired the qualities of the Proverbs 31 woman, “The Wife of Noble Character.” As a single woman, it’s only preparation. I don’t yet need a husband or even a significant other to grow into these godly characteristics. Jesus plus nothing.

 “She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” (Proverbs 31:25) Instead of fragile dignity that is dependent on appearance and circumstance, strive for the strong dignity that comes from the increase of Christ in your life. This dignity is unfazed by association with lowly people and dirty tasks. Instead of trying to keep it all together and get it all done, a humble woman is free to serve and enjoy her King. She has nothing to lose.

Y’all, it feels so good to write again! It feels so good to put to words all that God has done! I love to reflect on how He continues to change my heart and I’ve been wanting to express it all for so long now, but every time I went to write, I still felt like there was something more He wanted to do or make more clear. I am already anticipating my next post. While it correlates with this topic, I will hold off! Haha.

God didn’t pull me out of this dark place so that I could keep it to myself. He pulled me out so that I could pull others out also.

“God’s blessings are always designed to reveal to us more about who He is, but sometimes we short circuit that process to think those blessings are for us or to give us something. His blessings are to reveal the faithfulness of His character.” AMEN! <3

“Your story is the key that can unlock someone else’s prison. Share your testimony.” –Pastor John Hagee

With so much love, XOXO

Famous in my Father's Eyes

Somewhere, along the way, I lost the heart behind my intentions and the truth in my motives compared to when I had first “started.” …when I took that initial step in admitting/displaying my story for everyone to see because truly, I had accepted myself for who I was in my past and who I was in the present. I started to finally believe who I was in Christ. I was in a good place.  However, over time that seemed to slowly vanish or at least I started to carry a façade that festered on itself deeper and deeper. It was a slow and steady walk in the wrong direction; I had forgotten all the truth behind the reasons why I loved everything that I did.

There’s this quote that I came across just recently: “Doing something good with the wrong intentions is not a good thing.” Or something very similar to that, but regardless, it makes a great point; it even instilled a great “ick” feeling in my gut. I felt convicted right then and there.

 And that was definitely not my first of convictions.

I remember God first speaking truth to me in this particular part of my life (which I will soon make clear …) I was at the gym awhile back ago having a conversation with a very dear friend of mine, who at the time, I was just starting to get to know. We were on the topic of physique competitions and after the hype of having lost weight and gaining a little muscle I was completely interested in entering into one. I even went to a show just to experience it second-hand before making any rash decisions. I thought it was great, and tried to justify that it was just another side of displaying beautiful “art.” …Okay…making my body a piece of art…and for what? some award? a round of applause? so I could go to sleep with a bigger head that night? That’s just how I look back on it now and it makes me want to hide under the sheets to see how much I was into body image. Confidence is one thing, but my ego had taken a step over the edge. But thankfully I hadn’t quite fallen fully, thanks to my friend, the angel she is spoke truth into my life over that subject. She didn’t wrong me or make me feel guilty. No. Because her words were spoken from the heart of her spirit, I wasn’t condemned. “Vanity” …that’s the word that did it. And if I remember anything, it wasn’t the sentence it was spoken with, it was the love I felt from God in her bringing such truth. God wanted to keep me humble, and I think if I were to compete, I would lose that. Wow, I just throw my head back and say THANK YOU, GOD! It was exactly what turned me away. And He knew it wasn’t going to be my first rodeo. But with some words of hope and a glimpse into my current state of utter joy, the merry-go-round is surely making its way back around to the core of my purpose.

So, okay, no competing for Kalynn. Whew, that was close… yet there was still a problem with what I was doing. I was using Instagram and Facebook… social media…as a platform to display my body. At first, I thought the likes were to bring inspiration and motivation for those on a fitness journey and obtaining a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to inspire women and young girls even to love themselves enough to feel great in the bodies they have been given. Ultimately I had hoped to positively impact others with my personal story. And still do, of course. Unfortunately, with time, I got caught up in the looks and am honestly ashamed in my twisted thinking. I remember my first transformation picture. I was very proud of my hard work and dedication in achieving a greater, healthier self. But then I started posing in less and less clothing. How does that differ from competing on stage? I think the audience on social media is far greater, to be blatantly honest. Call it what you will, but if I didn’t admit that a major portion of that intention wasn’t to seek validation or a boost in my self-esteem, I would be lying to you. Take into account that I was recently single, so the attention I received made me feel “pretty” again…Somebody worthwhile. Wow, that is incredibly sad to admit, but it is the upmost truth. Hard truth, but there has been a lot of growth in coming to realize this.

Well, I fell into that pitiful cycle for some time and it became more and more convicting as the posts continued. I was loosing myself. How could I end up in the very place I thought I had been fully, 100 percent delivered from? It doesn’t always work that way; the trials teach us and reveal more and more about ourselves and what our strongest areas of weakness are. I was finding out that validation from anybody or anything other than from God is a complete source of destruction to my health overall. I was on a vicious cycle of a downward domino effect of self-hate and I felt like as much as I expressed this, I was the only one in the world with this problem. I let my environment and certain circumstances affect me, to the point of falling into that same terrible lifestyle I once knew… all the insecurities were being laid right back out for me to believe. And so I did. I believed them because I wasn’t leaning on God like I should have… “IIIII was going to make it right, IIIII just knew it…”
Eh, wrong. There were times I thought I would never binge eat after completely feeling awful in doing so. I’d go weeks just to fail myself again. There were many a times of feeling sorry for myself for being a homebody and then allowing the devil to meet me there in the darkest of lonely places and whisper lies like “you’re not important anyway,” “you can’t expect a relationship like that, you expect too much,” “YOU. ARE. TOO. MUCH.” and boy did he have his way for some time. But God turned those words *YOU ARE TOO MUCH* and broke the negative connotation Satan decided to give it. God said, “You are too much- of too much worth to be in darkness, to be in such great sin that has you so down from fulfilling the purpose I have dreamt up for you.

“You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do no belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled.” -1 Thessalonians 5:5-6

“This is the message that we have heard from Him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” -1 John 1:5-7

I was lying and not living by the truth. Instead of putting on my full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17) I turned to the world, using social media or what have you as  instant gratification to counteract my insecurities… portraying the opposite of how I really felt so I could feel better about myself …medicate an issue that ONLY The Lord could conquer. The chains are breaking, baby! This I do know: one by one I’m feeling free-er and free-er ;) thanks to Jesus!

Kylie Bissutti’s story in her book, “I’m no Angel” was the final conviction. (the book ironically enough, given to me by a true angel! The same angel previously mentioned!)

 ***sidenote***: I cannot thank God enough for blessing me with people such as her. I have my mom who prays over me consistently and who I can share every thing and any thing with. Which is great and I love her dearly. I have also been given the chance to meet other older, wiser, women of faith who bring light to my darkest places. I’ve never been more grateful for that. I was compelled to share a little bit of my struggle with another lady (who I met at the gym, of course) and she instantly said that the eating disorder, B, C, and D. all the above… were from the pits of hell and you’re not going to claim them. I wanted to cry and thank her for such a powerful truth. I’ve never been more grateful for these relationships…for them and their prayers!!

In short, the book is about how Kylie decided to give up being a VS model to become a Proverbs 31 wife. I instantly was engaged the moment I picked it up and read her story. It was truly amazing and really brought great perspective on my life. I no longer felt compelled to post anymore “body shots” for cheap attention. The attention I had been receiving was starting to become dirty in my eyes (I brought it upon myself so I know I am the only one to blame). The choice instead now is to honor The Lord with my body. “I was encouraging people to look at me in a way that wasn’t godly. Plus, I was taking something God intended to be sacred between a husband and wife and making it public.” –Kylie’s words. (which I highlighted the heck out of). I want that so badly, a marriage brought together by God, yet I was being impatient so I resorted to short-lived attention. I’m already feeling sorry for my husband, whoever you are. Like, it’s making me sad that I stooped that low. I wish I could take a lot of things back, I really do, but I’ve learned a great deal!

There was also another impacting conviction I forgot to mention. It really moved my heart and it was a video I watched awhile back ago “I will wait for you” by spoken poet, Janette ikz. It wasn’t necessarily about body image as much as it was about becoming a Proverbs 31 woman and waiting for God’s best, specifically in companionship. I definitely was encouraged and God was “creating in me a pure heart, and renewing a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10) And I was starting to believe His words in 1 Peter 3:3-4 ...my beauty comes from within. Also I was starting to grasp that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. THAT is the only way I can treat my body kindly. I have to put that truth and even speak it out loud sometimes when I am tempted.

Through all of this, I have become more comfortable at being Kalynn, because I know I am loved with a love unshakeable. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8) I’ve learned that I still have a passion for seeing people rise and become their best, healthiest self. I’ve learned that I don’t want to go to the gym to sculpt a body solely for its looks. I want to have fun in my training, becoming strong all-around, which is why I’m finally starting to pick up crossfit and Olympic lifting and can I just say, I’M. IN. LOVEEEE!!! Okay, yeah like five hundred kazillion weaknesses were brought to light... like wall climbs, what in the world!? But that makes me excited! I have goals now, and I think this is the fitness path I won’t ever regret. I have hopes that I will make wiser decision when fueling my body, as the workouts need the correct foods, sleep, etc to perform at best. Now I feel like there is a purpose in making sure I’m getting the correct macros and micros; whereas before, I felt like I was counting them to “diet.” Which we all know is so easy. “Its like riding a bike, and the bike is on fire, and the ground is on fire, and everything is on fire, because you’re in hell.” haha but seriously that’s no way to live. Also, with viewing my body as a temple, and letting God lead me, I’m sure I’m on my way of being delivered of past sin!! I’m just in an incredibly good place and I hope to really be aware of my intentions every moment of the day. I know I’m only human, but now that I know better, I will do my very best at being better. Glory to God for this revelation. I couldn’t have come to it on my own!!

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praise worthy –think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace be with you.”-Philippians 4:8-9

With much much love, as always,

Me. XO

to taste "Beginning"

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul." -Brigitte Nicole

Sometimes my purpose in writing is to share significance, things that have been brought to my attention, things that have been made real for me. So I write for you, in hopes that maybe you can relate and know we’re not alone in this whole human experience.

And sometimes… sometimes, I write for myself. To go back and read the words over again. You know, something like giving others the exact advice that I should be giving my own self. Because really, that’s what we all do anyway, right? We know our weaknesses all too well and most likely subconsciously project the fix, the cure, the solution onto others. Just listen to the things you hear yourself advising. What do you preach about most?

So why are we so apt to suggest a course of action to someone else but rarely dive into it ourselves? I can only think of one reasoning. Change. More specifically… letting go.

Surely I’ve become stronger in many areas. Such as in things I won’t tolerate, things that are not good for my health, not giving into anger, loving the woman God made me to be and being comfortable with her quirks and all. Those are all great, but what is stopping me from moving forward?? If I’m not moving in that direction at full force, then I’m NOT pursing the very best woman God intended for me to be. Do you remember me talking about faith in one of my latter blog posts? Ever since my brother’s accident, the word is no longer just a word but it’s become a part of me, like my organs which keep me living. Faith has become a very real thing. But I feel I’ve been hit with hard truth, that maybe I’m lacking a bit of it. I can’t let things go. I hold on…cling… to old ways, if not socially or physically, it’s definitely mentally and emotionally. That is the worst. And I’m honestly embarrassed by it.

Do you ever stop to think why our sweetest memories bring us our greatest pain? I think it’s because they are of the past. We long for the same feelings from that one time. So maybe we try to copy it and make it a sweet thing of the present. Don’t we freak when we experience déjà vu? The feeling brings on anxiety and literally makes me sick to my stomach. So why do I think manipulating present situations in order to have the same experiences from my past will not bring on the same “ick.”

Or maybe it’s the curiosity of what could’ve been that keeps you stagnant.

Doors are shut, but sometimes we lack faith and don’t trust that God closed it for our greater good. At this very moment, I am shocked at the feelings and thoughts surfacing. I thought that I knew how to perfectly trust God. Maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s more than just believing He will provide on His time table. What if my questions and doubts about closed doors are a question and doubt in my faith? Actually, I see now that it is. I think to myself, “so why a peek and even a step or two inside the room to just turn me away locking it up on my way out? I think I may understand later. I’d like to think that maybe these things are just something given so I will be able to have something to compare to God’s best.

God works in cool ways, doesn’t He!? JUST NOW while writing He showed me His timing is not an accident. My brother contacted me to consult about a certain situation. He had no idea I was in the middle of writing this. To be vague, Cody needed advice. Ironically, I found myself suggesting that maybe it wasn’t a good idea and word for word verbatim said “some things just won’t ever be the same. Good things and people are still bound to come your way though; Don’t give up!” Honestly my brother personally impacts my life in positive ways. He has come so far as a person, so enlightened and driven that I don’t think he could ever go back to old ways and habits. I am incredibly proud of the man he has become to be.

We wouldn’t tell our loved ones to keep beating a dead horse. If we loved ourselves enough, we wouldn’t do it either. … I don’t know, maybe that hits home for you. It does for me. I still wonder and mentally exhaust myself over the “whys?” When we reach a dead end on the road, we don’t keep driving. We turn around and find a different route. So why aren’t we easily apt to apply this concept to life situations and their “dead ends”? Maybe it’s attachment to the past and fear of not being in control, so we hold on. Or the fact that we care.

We fight for something that doesn’t want us and was never meant for us in the first place. And in doing so, we not only waste precious time, we destroy ourselves in waiting and in wanting. What a hindrance that is.

If we cling to comfort, we are indefinitely stagnant.

And So I’ve pondered on His word He gave me last week in Lamentations (3:25-33)

"God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The 'worst' is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If He works severely, He also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way." (from The Message)

My HOPE still stands. And if I continue to shake off what no longer serves to my purpose with a little more effort and faith, maybe HOPE will become a thing of the present instead of the future. I’ll begin to taste the sweetness of new beginnings.

Someone once said, “that the only thing you can be sure of is that everything will change.” I’m learning to have peace with that.

With much much love!

XO