FAITH ...Cont'd.

Although I could go into a great amount of detail, it would not even pertain to the purpose of my story. SO this might be short and sweet, but that doesn’t diminish or lessen the impact it has made it my life.

Blake and I left the restaurant. It was so strange because I heard ambulances as we were leaving. (We were in Snellville, mind you –about 10 minutes from Grayson). Whether it was from the same accident or not, it dramatized it and added a fear before I even knew anything…

--We were on our way to only look for my brother- he had gone walking- only to pull up to a scene of police, ambulances… my heart sank. I just knew. “Cody had been hit” & the words just came out of my mouth. Blake’s face was unexplainable… he was looking at me with such worry, but something kicked in because he was so level headed at the same time. He was being strong for me and pulled off the road into a parking lot and prayed. I was even praying that it not be him. I didn’t want to believe what my mind was telling me. My body was so numb, it’s a feeling I cannot even explain.

My aunt called me, Dad called me and they had confirmed the ugly truth. Although so very shaken, we immediately prayed. Prayed for him to be alive. On our way to the hospital we were still praying. As scared as I was, I never actually believed he could be gone. Although I don’t think anyone really does at first. There is a stage of denial… but this was still something different. There was a peace underneath all my emotions and fear. (Or above it all). I still had that ‘ick’ feeling in the pit of my stomach, but it was trumped by HIS love + truth = peace.

We only knew that he had been hit… come to find out by a box truck, driving in a 45 mph speed limit zone. I had that Faith that he would be okay, even though there was that other BIG chance that he would not be.

We got to the hospital, I can’t even tell you how that night went exactly… but it was a long course of waiting. First we were set in this room…while Cody was in the ER- we were given no news for awhile.. So during this period your mind can do a lot of racing. Thankfully, we had a lot of loved ones come by to occupy our anxiousness. I don’t even remember all the people. I do remember the police and their questions… I just wanted to know he WAS okay. Time passed and then Dr. Avery came in. He was in fact alive. That’s all the news I remember. HES ALIVE, HES ALIVE!! He was being set up in ICU. We waited again for hours before we could see him. Pastor Steve prayed before we were able to go in. God’s peace was still with me, but reality was starting to sink in. Seeing him hooked up on all kinds of machines with tubes and wires every which way… But he was still so handsome. So peaceful looking. Still my brother. It is such a miracle and I’m so very thankful and blessed to have him.

-The week in ICU was hard. Cody was in an induced coma for about 6 days. During those days, there were minor set backs, but I still believed he would have a full recovery. There were surgeries post ICU, and he was moved to another floor for about a week, then to Children Healthcare of ATL for awhile… There were hard times following, it was a process, but he is here with me Today, and I am so blessed, and I still sometimes need that lil’ reminder to not take things, such as our family for granted.

I’ve definitely learned a great amount from this experience. Cody’s story may be different from mine, but regardless, it had definitely changed and shaped me as well.

Forsaking All I Trust Him. FAITH.

I know, I know, WHERE HAVE I BEEN!?

Believe me, I wish I could fully commit to a post per day...or per week, heck at least per month. There is no excuse, except that I just haven’t made the time. {Oops!}

Days off call for great mornings! (I can fully enjoy waking up which consists of sipping my coffee, cooking a longer meal, and spending much more time in God’s word.) So this morning was in fact one of those mornings. Before diving into my daily devo. I briefly thought: “Maybe I should devote some time to my blog as well…” Well the devotional was based on 2 Chronicles 7:14  à (“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves, pray, search for me, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear their prayer from heaven, forgive their sins, and heal their country.”) Our sins can be as simple as being self-absorbed, which is exactly opposite of humility. How can we let God operate in our lives if WE think we know best for ourselves? Yes, you may know you, but no one knows you better than God. I’ve been struggling lately with the issue of purpose and what I am supposed to make of myself in this world. First and foremost, I have to realize God does have a plan for me, for us, and no matter what our eyes and minds make of it… IT IS BIG! We just have to let him show us. That means choosing his ways instead of our own. We never have to “give up” things in the negative way that phrase is used, but we are actually letting go in order to gain so much. Easier said then done, but when we TRUST God, we define this: An Act of FAITH.

There is so much meaning to this word (Faith) I feel that I could write a novel on it… but God’s already done that, it’s called the Bible -and it’s written throughout His word.-

In the very beginning -Genesis 22- God tests Abraham. Now it was hard at first for me to comprehend this. I was like, “God, I know you are not cruel, but really… you want Abraham to sacrifice his own son!?” *Note*: Sarah, Abraham’s wife, was not able to conceive for some time. God promised her a son though, and he kept it. He gave them Issac in their old age.

I did not want to question God’s unconditional love, so I prayed that he would show me in his perspective. He did and a couple mornings later, it clicked! I feel like v.5 shows us 1^st words of faith. Abraham tells his servants to stay while he and Issac go (“…WE will worship and then WE will come back to you.”) Did you catch that?? Abraham implies WE = both Abraham and Issac. It’s as if he knows that he will not have to sacrifice his son. And so they go… Issac is confused “the fire and wood are here, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” (v.7)

2^nd words of faith: Abraham tells Issac (v.8) “God himself WILL PROVIDE the lamb for the burnt offering.”

Abraham has no hesitation and is still very much trusting God…I mean he is at the altar arranging wood, and laying his son on it for crying out loud! WOW.

But God spares the gruesome details that could have come out of that because yeap, that’s right…He stops Abraham. Abraham looks up and there, the Lord provided, a ram caught by its horns for him to sacrifice as a burnt offering instead of his own son. (~v.10-13)

How Awesome, Right!?

There has been much more meaning added to this word Faith. ..A much more personal connection to the word… After all, experiences are what shape us and help us learn and grow. I almost feel ashamed to admit it because when everything is all cherry and well, where is our faith? Faith doesn’t have to come into play in the lowest of lows. We, at least I, forget to thank him for all the good he has done, is doing, and will do. But it wasn’t until my brother’s accident in Aug. 2012, I really had to put all my trust in God.

Coming close to losing your own brother is something you will never forget…

I can remember sitting in Moes with my boyfriend Blake… we were arguing about something stupid. (!gasp! …arguing.. yes.. lol, not BAD but it was stupid nonetheless. and a complete waste of our time to fill with pettiness instead of LOVE.. but that’s besides the point) …

Then we got a phone call and you just know when something is not good just by the sound of their voice.

TO BE CONTINUED...

My BIG “Ah-ha” Moment Unraveled (Journey of Overcoming Obstacles and Breaking Through Strongholds)

First of all, I have never been more excited to share my story. Just moments ago, while I was in the shower, (seems where I can be most REAL, honest and even creative.. symbolic in a way ay? nothing to cover up and hide under..EXPOSED) Anyways.. God broke it to me, but for MY benefit and for HIS glory. I don’t know what actually brought up the thought, but I was thinking how we are our own worst critics. ----

We know it’s wrong to judge others, but have we ever thought that it’s just as bad to judge ourselves? Guilty? Say I. I!!!

Humans, especially women, fight self-esteem issues on a day-to-day basis and the devil wants nothing more than to destroy our minds of the truth! You’re not pretty enough, No one likes you, Don’t eat that you’ll get fat, You’re not like them, You don’t fit in, You have this this this and this health problem..and the evil list of hate goes on.

I’ve constantly battled believing the lies from the enemy (he knows our strongholds very well) and the truth from our loving God. HE doesn’t want the perception we have of ourselves to be any different than HIS perception of us. We are each unique.

----About a week ago, I found old recorded videos at my Dad’s house that me, my brother, and our friends had made when we were younger. They were funny, so I’d laugh and what not. However, being the critical self I knew to be, I sat there in somewhat disgust. Ew listen to my voice. I look like a heifer. I look like a dike. I thought those things and even said them aloud for everyone to hear. Sounds silly right? I mean I was just a kid… so you may be thinking, “WHO CARES??” I know, I know. But it comes from deep inside me.. I have built up a hate for myself over the years.----

It’s hard to remember what I was actually thinking when I was younger, but I do remember the shy, timid Kalynn I was and never really grew out of. I know that I never felt good enough. I strived to “act right and do right” (as my Dad’s mantra still rings in my ear) and be the best at what I did, but I still felt like someone was always better than me. Now I don’t blame or resent my parents for their parenting, because no one is perfect! With the couple of psychology classes I have taken, I can’t help but look back and dissect my childhood though. The past is one way of explaining the reasons for why we are the way we are today. So #1. I feel like the need to be perfect in many areas started young. Also, I don’t ever remember hearing or seeing my mother love her body in front of me. I don’t remember hearing her hate it either…  As I got older though, I heard it more and more… What she did not like about herself versus positive affirmations. I heard it from the women in my family too. They would talk about what was wrong with them and each one would feed off the negative comments and it became a cycle… a chain of hate for oneself. Point #2 I didn’t see or hear older women in my family love themselves and their bodies. They were my influences. Not in the most positive way, but being so young it was what I knew.

Again, no one is to blame here. I don’t shun or fault anyone. Because they too must’ve learned it somewhere. Somewhere we lost ourselves. We thought we were those lies presented to us. Whether it be from people, media, or in our minds… the devil can use whatever he knows best to skew how God perceives you. But God says no. STOP! YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.

----As I was showering, I thought back to a few days ago as it applies to how I criticized myself while watching the old videos. My aunt, who is beautiful inside and out, was showing us a video she made of my dad building us a fire pit. She made a comment about her voice in the video, just as I had done. It makes me cringe to hear people talk bad about themselves and quite honestly I get mad. Mad at our enemy and sad for the person. It just showed me how we can still be affected with the devils lies throughout many years of our lives. We finally have to know the difference between what the devil feeds us and what we know to be true. The truth is instilled in us, we just bury it, covering it up with negativity and again.. those stinkin’ lies.----

So as I got older, I became more and more critical of myself. I had a negative body image; I focused on the flaws instead of what I liked about myself. My sophomore year of high school is not a year I exactly love to remember or talk about. However, I try to embrace it the best that I can.. and that part gets easier each and every day.. because I cannot erase and re-do. Every experience no matter how minute, changes us. The point is to learn, grow, and evolve for the better. We become stronger because of it.

That year I developed an eating disorder. I was finding myself because apparently I didn’t know who I was.. It began when I chose to be a vegetarian.. for all the wrong reasons. I lost weight because I did not know how to properly compensate the nutrients I was losing. I was getting complements from people.. as if their opinion validated my lifestyle.. sadly, it did. I quickly became obsessive to the point of eating from a scary 500-600 calories per day. I continued to drop weight and became very very thin. My interests changed and I drew away from people. The best way to describe how I felt in one word would be numb and deep down inside I knew this was not who I was. It is truly a disease.. one that is seriously detrimental to ones health. I was pitiful mentally, physically, and emotionally. It is a disease because I was still very unhappy with my body. I honestly hated looking at myself in the mirror, but I didn’t want to change how I ate either, because I didn’t want to be fat.

I think there were a lot of prayers for me to be healthy.. My family was obviously concerned, but I was too stubborn to seek help from a doctor so I finally chose to simply eat more. Within the same year, I gained my weight back plus more. I gained weight, hooray! but how? eating crap, that’s how.. and a lot of it in a significantly short amount of time. This is known as binging. Also horrible for your health. So wow, I went from one extreme to the other.

I was always struggling to find a healthy balance afterwards. I thought eating a salad and running on the treadmill for a half hour was healthy. I’d limit myself with boring food and then when I gave in and allowed myself to eat something sweet, I gave up on my health all together. Okay, listen up..Hear ye hear ye.. a diet refers to the foods one consumes. The word diet over the years has developed a negative connotation. When people use the word diet as it’s something they are going on, it irks me. It’s the whole “let me gorge myself today, and I’ll just start my diet tomorrow.” It never works. I understand, I get it.. I was once there. I would teeter-totter with my diet all the time, eventually ending up where I started. No good, no good at all.. and when you diet its an automatic set up for failure. I have recently.. within this past year developed a healthy lifestyle. It has been a journey to get here, but I am so so happy!! It takes a lifestyle change, not a diet. I love the food I eat and have finally developed a healthy relationship with food. So clean eating and getting creative with it, is a passion of mine. It is so tasty, I don’t miss those fast food places. Yuck, sorry I'm not sorry. Also, I work out.. like a mad woMAN. Another passion of mine. I lift, I take aerobic classes here and there, I lift, I cardio, I lift.. you get the picture.. I weight train like no body’s business. “I hate that good feeling after a successful workout,” said no one ever. That good feeling is the release of endorphins. Yeah, I’ll blame it on them. I’m an adrenaline junkie.. to a degree. But it’s important to know when you are doing too much. When you are tired, rest! You’re body will thank you later. You need to rest regardless, to prevent injury, exhaustion, and rest allows for you’re muscles to grow! I went through a period of time where I was working out way too much, and I was starting to feel depressed. So there’s moderation for everything! Just educate yourself!

People may judge me for the way I live, but because I’m so gosh dern happy with myself, their opinion doesn’t matter. Don’t let what people say or think determine you’re choices. Because I’m not eating McDonalds with you or that piece of cake doesn’t mean I have given up things. That’s a negative way to look at it. I have gained a healthy lifestyle. And going back to the diet thing.. Yeah I don’t always eat perfect, I like chocolate and wine, Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities… you get it. But when you’re on a diet and you slip up, you usually feel very guilty. So you may deprive yourself.. skip a meal here and there. I don’t do this anymore. Never ever skip meals!!  It took me a while to get it. I’m no expert by any means and it doesn’t take one. We all know how to eat healthy, and that exercise is good for us. We just have to apply it and make it a lifestyle we choose to live.

----I'm no longer bound!!!! GOD said you will break this curse! And I have never “felt” him smile so big (a term my mother uses, which describes this so perfectly) At 21 years old, I have never been happier. I feel like I finally know what I am doing with my life, but eager for anything God has for me. Speaking of, my relationship with God has become so much stronger. With my brother’s accident back in August 2012 (story I’m saving for another day), life has really been put into perspective. This brings me to my amazing boyfriend, Blake, who supports me in everything I do. He’s my high school sweetie and there’s never been a time when he hasn’t stuck by my side. We have been through a lot together within the past year and our relationship has never been stronger. I love you so much! Lastly, but certainly not least, my family. We have always been each others support system but have recently become so close. I come from a divorced family, but we have finally been able to interact in what should be awkward situations much more naturally and civilly. We’ve been through some stuff.. to simply put.. the thick and thin.. but we overcame it! All of which is because of GOD. Thanking him! What more perfect time to share this with you than the start of a new year? I haven’t really made a new year’s resolution.. because its not really necessary. Although I didn’t break one of 2012’s resolutions, which was abstain from using the tanning bed. Wooohooo! Nasty, costly, and not to mention bad for you’re skin. This year and for all the years to come I just plan to grow grow grow. learn learn learn. and become the best ME. I still have a lot to work on!!

Although I have been wanting to write (type) about this part of my life, it was today that I felt most compelled.. obviously. It took knowing God’s truth and what he says about me and taking that and actually believing it whole-heartedly!

RADICAL SELF-LOVE BABY…

                                    …It is never too late!

Much love.