“well, yes. Of course.” (what you may be thinking)
What if God wanted to shine another perspective…something
more than just the most obvious reason?
something beyond simply rebuking fear in the name of Jesus… yes, His word says “There is no fear in love; but
perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who
fears has not been made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18-19)
1. Fear ultimately does not come from God.
“For God has not given
us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
(2 Timothy 1:7)
2. But God allows it since everything must go through Him.
“For from Him and
through Him and to Him are all things…”
(Romans 11:36)
3. But i don’t believe that makes God a tyrant King.
“[Because] we know
that all things work together for
good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
(Romans 8:28)
Yesterday i was driving home from work on Hwy 78.
four lanes.
at rush hour.
traffic.
(details only to emphasize the feelings and thoughts that
overwhelmed me after i pulled into the turning lane to go left)
The yellow enclosed, middle lane was well backed up beyond
the dotted lines…approximately 20 cars sat waiting their turn. i haven't ever had to
get over that far back from this particular red light before, so this was a
first. YOLO.
YOLO is correct because i had “mad adrenaline” from instant
fear as i was at a standstill…in a blind spot… i was hidden from oncoming
traffic because i was perfectly placed where the turning lane curved and so the
car in front of me hid me all too well. (my thoughts anyway…) i have reflected
on the tension that consumed me… i believe there was a build up of events to onset
it. One reason being that turning lanes were one of the two fears my mom has
ever voiced having, so maybe that was something i allowed myself to get fearful
about as well.
Also, previously that morning…on our way to work…my friend
and i were passing by this same exact spot and i told her about a wreck that i
had seen here and how the Lord put tremendous compassion on my heart to pull
over, pray, comfort…at least do something.
With all this said, as you can imagine, i started freaking
out as cars zoomed past in both directions… feeling their wind as they sped to
get wherever they were going. After all the scenarios running through my mind-
from how a car could be distracted to them having one “ut-oh” on the wheel sending
us into a head-on collision- i started declaring life over myself and prayed
for safety and that the devil and his evil spirits would flee…all in the name
of Jesus.
“you’re thinking of yourself…”
ouch, God.
i could agree that my fear was somewhat irrational and then
selfish, and so the Holy Spirit quickened me to pray for someone i had no clue of.
This fear…if God
allowed it…it must be for some purpose
right?
And although there were no accidents around me that i could
see with my visual eye, my heart cried out because my spiritual eye saw
something that was beyond me.
*Fear was becoming an indicator for intercession.*
It felt silly at first, but i believed the Lord wanted me to
pray for “them”…their healing in the hospital was the main request i sent
“Home.” i was begging for God to cover “them” with His angels and to restore
whatever is broken.
The arrow signal turned green. As i was making my way off
the Hwy and onto the road, i was still pleading the same plea, just saying it
every way possible.
Then…
…something just completely incredible…
Up ahead i saw two sets of blue lights and then i knew God’s
voice was for certain.. Indeed, His Holy Spirit was prompting me to pray over
something bigger than myself. God was using what Satan meant for evil and using
it for good. Although i didn’t know the details, the Holy Spirit knew and i
believe He was interceding. PRAISE GOD!!! He is Almighty!!!
i finally approached the scene with its two cop cars and a
tow truck…it seemed as though the fire truck(s) and ambulance(s) had already
made it and left, meaning the victims were already taken to the hospital. By
faith alone, do i believe that to be true because of what was placed on my
heart to pray just moments before.
Concerning Romans 8:28, i decided to read the context and
the verses that come before it (8:26-27) says, “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know
what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession
for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts
knows what the mind of the Spirit is becase He makes intercession for the
saints according to the will of God.” wow.
Today my friend Cortland, knowing nothing about what
happened yesterday or what i had set in stone with God once i got back home,
started talking about fear. Then later about being filled with the Holy Spirit
and His giftings…specifically the gift of tongues, which then brought up the
conversation of intercession. Cortland also referenced these verses. Before i
left to go meet up with him, i jotted in my journal because the Lord was
putting it on my heart to share in a blog what happened the day before. i
didn’t want to forget every thing that was coming to mind when i came back home
to type. God being God and doing His oh so wondrous God things, worked through
Cortland to confirm His will for this next post. So awesome.
In conclusion, fear is always an indicator to pray. God is
love and love never uses fear to warn us by sending us into a frenzy that
something bad is going to happen to us. i am constantly learning His character
and this is something that has taken some time to comprehend.
Let fear then be used against Satan and kill two of his
demons with one stone: (the stone being prayer) Prayer for another, therefore
taking the fear-focus off yourself. DOUBLE-WAM…+2 for the Kingdom!
*There’s a Hope that cries out to the unbeliever. And
there’s a Hope that calls out to the dry, “dead” Christian. “Come ALIVE; be
re-born!”*
i am pretty stoked to share this “ah-ha” moment i have had
with God and i am beyond excited for the revelation to unfold in your lives
too! i’ve been a bundle of stir-crazy waiting to explode. Let’s pray, first!
Dear Heavenly Father,
there is an unending thank You list running through my heart. Your fullness has
been made known to me. ‘Three in One’ is no longer a religious concept that i
read and hear about. You have pierced the deepest part of my soul and i have
encountered You in a real way.
Hallelujah, Jesus! Forgive me for living a controlled life. Thank You for Your
mercy! i surrender my whole heart for Your holy love. Yes, Jesus- You have set
me free! i lay down my plans, my solutions…my life is Yours. Take it all. Lead
the way; i will follow You.
Lord, let Your Holy
Spirit fall fresh on us, we need You here now. Thank You for this sweet sister,
this sweet brother. Thank You for the opportunity i have been given to share
what You have done in me. i pray that You would open the eyes of her heart, his
heart to be attune to Your voice and that Your words would speak to them there and not just in their
mind. i pray You would become so real
to them, Emmanuel! You died as Savior and
as Lord for us here as in heaven. i pray they wouldn’t miss out today like i
have for so many years. You are the Greatest Love there is. It’s in the sweet
name of Jesus, we pray. Amen.
Like many others’ personal encounters with Christ, i first
confronted my true self, experienced God’s grace, and now i only want to live
my life sharing the Good News with others!
That really was the basis of my testimony. Only now, another
big puzzle piece has found its place! “Just when i thought my ‘hallelujah’ was
tired, He gave me a new song!”1
When i first started blogging at the beginning of 2013, i
titled it “Radical Self-Love and Positive Affirmations.”
When i found my walk with {the Lord} last year, He
encouraged me to change the name to “This
Journey with God (Becoming all that i was created to be in Christ).”
Just now, i wanted to reflect back to my very first blog
post.
To my amazement,
this is what i titled it: “My BIG “Ah-ha” Moment Unraveled (Journey of Overcoming Obstacles and
Breaking Through Strongholds)” ** i promise, i referred back to it in the
process of writing, and not before i began prefacing this post…i’ll even “Girl
Scouts Honor” it.** i may be going out on a limb here, but i think this
instance was a small-scale indicator that we should pay attention to the
patterns in our lives. They are not happenstance. Isn’t God good! He knows we
are creatures of habit, flustered by change; and so, He throws in constant
themes, reoccurrences, and patterns to grab our attention. Over and over, time
after time does He do this and still we ignore the knocks and call it
“happenstance”…”coincidence.”
Needless to say…this journey (once we are on it) leads us
from one “ah-ha” moment that spurs us on to the next, and so on and so forth calling
us deeper and growing us wiser in the knowledge of Him.
it took the first 10-11 years of my life (don’t know the
exact age) for me to say “yes” to God. i confessed “with my mouth” Jesus as my Lord and Savior. i only accepted Him in
my heart as Savior. “Yeah, i don’t want to be damned to hell. Please and thank
You. Okay, great…now that we got that out of the way…”
But after that moment, it took the
next 13-14 years of being pursued for me to say “yes” to Jesus as my Lord. His
pursuit never stopped. How relentless!
How romantic.
There was no sense of relationship with my Father, God.
There was no healing power or deliverance from the weight of my sins. i steered
the wheel and sought my own solutions to my problems…and yet, i still carried
the burden of shame, guilt, and pain.
i believed in God
and believed in the story of Jesus. However, there was a tremendous disconnect
due to a lack of relationship...the
puzzle piece that had been missing after those years of becoming saved was
highly essential to my inner peace. The key
piece was the Lordship of Jesus Christ. my Hope.
my Blessed Assurance. my Joy. my Bridegroom. my Confidence. my Cornerstone. my
EVERYTHING! i was essentially still "living" for myself, instead of dying to self to become ALIVE in Christ.
i had a hard time
with saying/hearing the name "Jesus". In worship, when it got to a
part where you said His name, i remember feeling so uncomfortable...awkward to
the max. In mentioning my faith to others-it was always "God" never "Jesus".
(Clear indicator i was lost) ...What {good} was i professing? What set me apart
from other religions who also have a god. Jesus is essential in being a
CHRISTian. How did i miss that?
i was a bored,
dry, dead “Christian” who wondered if there was “something more” pssst….THERE
WAS SOMETHING MORE!!!
Jesus was Lord and Savior waiting in a far
away place. Because of
that deception, i was missing out on the one thing my soul was longing for.
But…as i was
giving up control, i told God to bring to surface all that i was saving for
Judgment Day. (that may sound weird to say, but it was pretty much what i was
doing.) Anyway, through a Bible study, i was heavily encouraged by the Holy
Spirit to ask God: “Expose me, Lord!...Bring to light my darkness!”
“Lord” Yes…i called Him “Lord” numerous times before then, too.
“But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord’ and
do not do the things which I say?” (Luke 6:45)
*that was a BIG
CONVINCTION just this past week…Which is why i now feel the peace to write
about this because i was able to fully repent and in return, God gave me the
A-OK.
So…moving on…
He was still
faithful to my prayer request and answered me the very next day. i know it was
Him.
He exposed it
gently, but exact.
It was revealing,
not rehashing.
Hard and trying…
Convicting, not
condemning.
He wanted to
resurface the wound. Not to point and laugh. Not to reprimand me. Not to cause
me suffering.
Instead, He
desired to walk with me through it. He wanted to bring me ultimate inner
healing. He wanted to show Himself to me. He would later tell me about all the
wooing He had in fact done. Over time, i would realize all the instances in
which i “stood Him up” for lesser things. For boys who didn’t care about my
heart. For pleasure that couldn’t satisfy me. For a label to make me feel secure
and validated and worth it. There’s not a closet big enough that holds all the
roses Jesus brought to me. i turned Him away at every knock. i didn’t care
about dancing with Him, my boutonnière was for the man that was going to come
“sweep me off my feet” and give me the American Dream.
but on this day,
i really needed Him. i needed Him to fix this wound…
The news wasn’t
good and my world, as i knew it, got flipped upside down... the walls started
caving in. The floor opened up underneath me. Every thing that i built my life
to stand upon wasn’t sturdy…that much was evident.
“Whoever comes to Me and hears My sayings
and does them, I will show you whom he is like: he is like a man building a
house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood
arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it,
for it was founded on the rock. But he who heard and did nothing is like a man
who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream
beat vehemently, and immediately it
fell. And the ruin of that house was great.” (John 6:47-49)
my heart lay
shattered, my house, my life in crumbles…all in front of my feet. my shame and
guilt had reached an all-time high. What was i to do?
i needed to try something…
someone new, obviously… and so, i did
what felt right.
The Bible study
on the book, “The Mended Heart” encouraged me to pray to God specifically. And
so, when He answered me specifically the very next day, i decided to try Who
the author, Suzanne Eller, recommended. Through her, God referred me to Jesus.
He was speaking
to this broken heart of mine, but i was clouded by my immediate, selfish need
to see what Jesus was really after.
When i gave my
life to Jesus as Lord, the Holy Spirit came over me, showering me with His
presence. It brought me to my knees and then to my face. On a bathroom floor.
…a bathroom
floor, y’all.
i was cleaning in
bleached up pants and a t-shirt. My hair was in a frizzy bun on the top of my
head. i wasn’t wearing make-up.
“Just as you are, come.”
but here’s what
you don’t know…
When the song
“Healer” by Kari Jobe came on in that moment, i really believed God could
miraculously heal, in the physical sense. i believed with my whole heart that
He could supernaturally work wonders in my generation and for me. i knew the
washing of the Holy Spirit was so strong for a reason. i was surrendering my
life, but in that moment, i don’t think i saw what i was really surrendering for.
i wanted Jesus to
fix the circumstance.
When what i was
believing and hoping for didn’t come, i really could have shaken my fist at
God. However, He knew there was more stripping to do for me to understand.
Lovingly, He decided to wrap me in His arms at my lowest point. He remained
patient. Man, i’ve never seen anyone so
patient.
i could have said
“how dare you deceive this fragile heart!” i really could have walked away from
trying the “Jesus thing,” but something in me gave me an unmovable peace. i believe God brought me to Natalie-my sweet cousin- specifically during this time. She was family i didn't see on a day-to-day basis, but she was close enough for me to trust and she was more mature in her walk with Christ than i was. She continued to sympathize with my hurt all the while encouraging me in THE truth which tore down all of Satan's lies one by one. Because of her, i have a clear depiction of Jesus. i saw how He would handle the situation. And not, only for my sake, but so that it may someday be portrayed through me for the sake of another sister or brother. Because of her obedience to pray and then discipled me, i was
discovering the best intimacy my soul would ever know. i was discovering Jesus,
and in turn, He was giving me an in identity in Him. It’s truly the strangest
thing. i really don’t think it was in of myself to trust Him even still. It was
Christ in me. i believe that whole-heartedly. Chosen.
“just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should
be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons [and daughters] by
Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the
praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.”
(Eph. 1:4-6)
“And so
‘Sisterhood of the Traveling Ring’???? Tell me. How is that title relevant?”
Okay, have i
pre-prefaced, prefaced, and post-prefaced enough?
About a year ago
(this was before i gave my life to Christ), i bought a $14.99 (on sale for
$7.99) cross ring at Marshal’s. This sounds a bit silly, but i literally
wrestled with making the purchase. i’m pretty sure people noticed my coming and
going in the jewelry section. i walked back and forth. “This woman is either indecisive, crazy, or OCD.” (“or all the above,” i
would’ve unabashedly proclaimed.)
This was the
conversation going on in my mind (i literally was oblivious to any Marshal’s
employee or fellow shopper because of all this “chatting” going on, anyway...)
Heck yeah, what a deal!
You don’t need anymore jewelry.
But it’s a cross ring!
Once you buy it, you can’t return it…final
sale.
…oh whatever! i am getting it! Satan, be
gone!!!!
i immediately
slipped it on my finger. That is, after leaving the store…i mean, i didn’t
shoplift... i swiped my visa, made the ~$70 purchase (we all know there was more
items weighing on my dilemma, okay) and left the store (ahem…as an innocent,
*loyal* customer), i searched my bags and took out the ring, stripped it from its tag, and placed it
on my left middle finger.
Time went on.
June 24th
2015
The first profound
experience when wearing it was in an abandoned Big Lots parking lot. i was on
the phone with a friend i had been dodging difficult conversation with because
conflict arose. It’s what i knew to do in those circumstances… run and/or sweep
things under the rug when the going got tough. But my sister was relentless (in
the best way) to save the friendship… she was adamant about working through it
together. Even though my attitude was ugly, she continued to strive for
reconciliation right then and there! God brought the conflict around full
circle and i learned what grace was. Thank you, Brittany. i am eternally
grateful for you, sweet sister.
Completely
overwhelmed by the outpour of the Holy Spirit, i got off the phone and went
into the gym (where i was headed when i got her phone call) and couldn’t even
wait a second longer. i wanted to share the Good News of what grace can do! so
i posted a picture of my hand bedazzled with the ring that was soon to hold an
even bigger significance. (little did i know…)
(at that time, i
didn’t care if my words in that caption didn’t make sense…the joy i was feeling
was enough for me!)
July 9th
2015
Grace found me.
…literally two
weeks and a day later.
God was using
Brittany.
Her yielded heart
towards Him allowed her to show me grace…a preface of God’s grace…Jesus.
i’m just going to
dance and sing for a second! Hallelujah!! It’s just as awesome today, as it was
then.
Time went on.
God was putting a
dream inside me to pass the ring along. i was excited to do that but i wasn’t
ready to give it up just yet. It became very special to me as it had just developed true meaning…little by
little, i was grasping the meaning of the cross, and so i was reluctant to take
it off until i fully grasped that
(and then some). Thankfully, God wasn’t ready for me too anyway. =] He was just giving me glimpses of that
dream. He had more details to add.
And so, i’ve been
carrying it…figuratively “wearing” it… for quite some time after encountering
His Grace.
He became real.
and because of that,
everything about me was going to change! i was being re-born.
He wanted to give
me an identity!
“…with this
ring…”
i had watched the
movie “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” once before in my life and remembered
the concept. A group on long-term friends passing around a pair of pants that
magically fit them all. That’s about all i remembered, but it was enough for me
to feel like that’s what God wanted to call this idea…His dream that He’s
placed inside my heart.
***January 19nd 2016***
i met the tribe
of women God had for me. i asked Him for community and He gave me something
beyond my wildest imagination. He ordained a group of women who were all on fire,
laid-down lovers of Jesus with similar, yet different stories and put us
together.
A week prior, i
felt pressed to send a group text to Kimberly and a couple other girls from the
first and only bible study i ever attended. i really don’t know what compelled
me to do so. i said ”…was wondering if y’all were apart of a small group or
were wanting to do a bible study again..i’m really missing that! Please let me
know!”
Kim responded in
a text saying it was funny because they were just talking about one in
particular about doing. (My hopes is that they will soon share their part of
the story.)
Kim, then called
me since we both happened to be taking a lunch break and we chit-chatted for a
bit.
i was already
saying “yes.”
i had no idea
what was in store.
i showed up at
Kim’s that following Tuesday to find two familiar faces and two completely new
ones. All so very beautiful, shining with the face of the Lord (Num. 6:25).
We became
vulnerable with one another. Transparent with our past and present. It wasn’t
easy, but the walls started falling fast. i soon recognized that i was not
alone in my struggles. They had been in dark places too. my shoulders sank. Lord, thank You! May this be an unbreakable
bond!
Time went on.
(not our gatherings together…thought that needed to be made clear)
In my downtime, i
was reading Max Lucado’s “A Love Worth Giving” and got to chapter 13 titled:
“The Ring of Belief.” Love…believes all
things (1 Cor. 13:4-7)
“When you speak truth, you are God’s
ambassador. As you steward the money He gives, you are His business manager.
When you declare forgiveness, you are His priest. As you stir the healing of
the body or the soul, you are His physician. And when you pray, He listens to
you as a father listens to his son. You have a voice in the household of God.
He has given you His ring.” (Lucado)
Reading that,
struck me hard.
Keep talking, Lord!
The whole chapter
planted a seed and indicated God was still sewing into that dream He placed in
my heart.
Time went on.
January 26th,
2016 and February 9th 2016
i got in a wreck
that totaled my car. i was on my way to Kim’s, very excited to come together
with the ladies in “tribe time.” On my drive over, it was dark, rainy, and
trafficky (that’s a word…add it to ya vocab.!) Anyway, i’m fighting my
embarrassing confession with light humor…but this IS important and it may very
well save your life or someone else’s.
i forgot exactly
where Kim lived so i pulled up my Maps while i was driving…something i should
have done before leaving the house. In that moment of looking down, i
rear-ended the person in front of me. i couldn’t believe this was happening again. This time, the impact was hard
enough for my air-bag to deploy. The accident was very surreal. Thank God, we were
all okay. **Make your car a no-phone zone, not just “texting prohibited.”** It
was now down to 3 girls who could show up to tribe time, so they decided to
cancel the bible study for that night. They didn’t feel right moving forward
without us all being there. True friendship. i remember Kimmy’s text that night
and the comfort i felt reading it. God’s love singles us out and makes us feel
special; that’s what i experienced in her concern for me.
Nevermind the
burn scars on my forearm from the airbag (they serve as a reminder in more ways
than just one.) My poor ring, though…had taken a toll. One of the “diamonds” is
missing and it became distorted in such a way that after i took it off, it no
longer fit comfortably on my middle finger. i nonchalantly moved it to the next
finger over, the one that it fit perfectly…my left ring finger. I didn’t think
much about it. That is until two weeks following when i finally met with my
girls again.
i was struggling
with Jesus being enough. Truly and completely enough for me. i wanted to
believe that His grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor. 12:9) with all of my heart,
soul, and mind (Matt. 22:37)
Kimberly remembered
a tattoo she got of Isaiah 54. At the time, she really didn’t know why she was
getting it.
Anyways, the Lord
brought it to her mind so she could read scripture over me.
Man, did it come
like a wave crashing over me…
“’For
your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and your
Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth.
For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, like a
youthful wife when you were refused,’ says your God. ‘For a mere moment I have
forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I
had My face from you for a moment; but with everlasting kindness I will have
mercy on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer.’” (v.5-8)
i am so blessed
by her faithfulness to our God and her obedience to His Holy Spirit.
February 11th
2016
God was patiently
waiting for the two and two to come together. He was working with me...bringing
the revelation to my heart, making the “ah-ha” moment clear as day. i sat that
morning in my quiet time, looked at the ring on my left hand, the finger in
which it was placed and then opened my Bible to Isaiah 54 and cried out to the
Lord.
Through tears, i
shouted, “i am Your bride, Jesus!”
“i’m sorry i have
made you last, when You’re the epitome of perfect relationship. i was made for
relationship but never have i understood why. Thank you for being enough, King
Jesus. You will always be enough!”
i now understand
why God created marriage.
to display Jesus’
coming to save the church…His bride.
Jesus is THE
Bridegroom!
My parent’s
divorce taught me differently.
Promiscuity
taught me to sell my body for attention and to gain worth.
i even thought
the “American Dream” was a good concept… but it wasn’t Biblical.
By His grace
alone, i now grasp the beauty of covenant relationship and His desire in
creating marriage. i’ve discovered Jesus as the lover of my soul and His
knocking will forever be The Ultimate Wooing i’ll ever encounter. And so, i
won’t settle for anything less than His best for me. A man who has also made
Jesus enough in his heart and is just as much on fire for Him as i am, if not
more… so completely wild at heart.
you ladies will
know by the way of his pursuit and you’ll know because he knows that the only
way to point you is to Jesus. Helping you to keep your eyes fixed on your real
Home. Helping you stay in love with your Maker.
**But first, we
must experience the biggest intimacy we will ever know. we must find our
identity {in Christ}. So many of us make the mistake of jumping into
relationship to find our identity there…in a label.
strip off the tags and get
back to the basics.you are loved. you are forgiven. Remember
Who’s you are.
Believe me, this
is a total 360 degree work in me and i love it! Thank You, Lord! i was also very thankful to receive this truth in my heart right before Valentines Day. Just in the nick of time! He was making me stronger!
March 13th
2016
Pastor Randy came
to preach this Sunday morning on Luke 15:11-32 (The Parable of the Prodigal
Son).
i was familiar
with the story, because it was me, only i was the prodigal daughter. However,
this time, something else popped out at me. In verses 22-24 we see the father
bring out the very best gifts for his son who has returned home.
The signet ring
stood out amongst the robe, shoes and calf. (obvi.)
It gave the
prodigal an identity. The father’s love for his son who has returned home
remained constant and faithful. The heart of this parable was to showcase God’s
unconditional love and the restoration of relationship with Him…our Heavenly
Father.
God doesn’t scold
us when we want to turn back to Him. Instead, He and all of Heaven rejoice!!!
Into open arms we
go.
Good Friday
2016
In John 4, we
read about a Samaritan woman. i can relate completely to her… maybe you too? Did
you know that the Samaritan woman’s conversation with the Lord is Jesus’
longest one-on-one chat recorded in scripture!?
Yeap; and so, i’m
intrigued.
Kim sent me a
YouTube video of a Steven Furtick sermonpreached Easter 2014. “The Hope of Glory.”2 God
directed him to take a nontraditional stance on the message of Easter and it
spoke straight into my testimony.
“Jesus will
always move away from religious drama and towards the needs of people who are
hurting. Jesus will always go out of His way to find and minister to people who
others would go out of their way to avoid.” (Furtick)
Jesus broke all
social and religious norms by speaking to a woman, who was of a different ethnic and religious background. He
was interacting with someone who had
indulged in immoral behavior. And He wanted to chat with her, no matter
what others thought.
This woman had
decided to go to the well at a time of day when no one else would be around.
She wanted to be alone, not bothered by anyone. (little did she know…)
Like her, i was
hiding.
i was hiding who
i really was behind a persona of perfection.
Jesus shows up
asking her for a drink…”What do want with me?
You are a Jew and me a Samaritan
woman?”
He is revealing
His identity to her and she doesn’t even realize it. But man, He is so patient. He doesn’t give up on her. What she
needed was living water, not water to
fill her bucket that day. What she needed was fulfillment that satisfied her
soul and the very presence of Joy was standing right in front of her, speaking
the same truth in different ways for it to finally “click!”
When Jesus came
to me that day on the bathroom floor, i was hoping for something different.
“Sometimes God
will bypass what you hope for to
give you what you really need.” (Furtick)
i needed true Hope Himself! The hope of Jesus Christ!
and so, Love came
down and flooded me. i was washed by Living Water.
Like the
Samaritan woman, it has taken time for this to all make sense. Revelation by
revelation, i grasp Who He is, what He has done, and who i am {in Him}.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Back at the end
of January, another huge revelation was being planted when my sweet sister,
Megan Haynes, gave us all a “Giving Key” necklace each with different words
carved into them. i have already joked with her and the others about how i was
honestly bewildered when i saw the word “Hope” on the one i received. “M.H.,
don’t you know God made ‘courage” my word for this year?” (little did i know…)
Along with
receiving Megan’s gift, (which i would later find to be impactful) we had
started a new series at Grace on spiritual gifting called “i found my place in grace.” This was obviously very exciting for
me. After saying “yes” to Jesus last year and having the realization of Who He is be made known to me personally, i then
wanted to understand who i was as His follower. i wanted to know what God
designed me to do. (Every day on this journey we discover what He designed us
to do because every morning we wake up to something new. On the path we may
find someone else who is hungry and in need. A different friend calls us for
our help. A saddened sister/brother needs a hug. Will we go where He calls?
Will we act on what He nudges us to do?)
Yes, i understand
that to be the bigger picture. That’s our sense of purpose.
But you have to
understand, i was needing direction in my life. i had completed two years of college
with no degree and decided to work full time for my mother’s business, cleaning
houses. i truly enjoy it.
It’s humbling.
It’s freeing.
i can worship out
loud 95.7% of the time.
i can drop to my
knees on a bathroom floor.
There’s a lot of
joy to be found in what i do.
On the realistic
side of it all, i choose to work as an employee with an hourly pay and a set
schedule (for the most part). i felt a call for transition was about to
approach me. If i wanted to have a family of my own one day, i needed to go
back to school and get a “real” job. i was pressuring myself with standards i
was holding myself to. Lord, but how can
i honor You best? i won’t be satisfied in anything less. Please show me the
way.
Rest, my daughter. Walk with me. Work with
me. Watch how I do it.
i needed to abide.
February 7th
2016
i came home from
church this day completely overwhelmed with His goodness. i was grasping my
unique gifting. i really felt the Lord speaking to me through the sermon and i
was NOT ready for it to end. i wanted more.
Pastor Jon encouraged us to seek prayer in the wings if God was still stirring
in us. And so, that’s where i went. i felt like i was gliding, no joke. This
was not in of myself to go seek prayer. God
and me got this thing. we cool.
Anyway, i saw a
familiar face standing in the wings but i was drawn to the first woman in my
path. She was radiant. i’ve seen this
woman before.
She embraced me
and asked how she could pray for me. Suddenly my feet touched the ground. i was
confused by her question…i was just excited and wanted to hear more from God why was i here?...but i could only utter
a conjumbled sentence…if that’s what it could even be called. “i just really
feel the Lord stirring and i need direction and yeah?” (Something a long those
lines)
She had my arms
in her hands with the biggest smile over her and she summoned Betty to help in
this intercession. Long story short, my spirit wept as they were prophesying over me. The sermon beforehand was specifically on the spiritual gift of prophesy.
They were each hearing from God, receiving that word and praying it over me. When
they were both done, i hugged them. The only thing i could say was “thank you”
and “where are the box of tissues?” i left the main building wide-eyed and
speechless, and gliding back to my car. i wanted to dwell in His presence
forever.
Why did that woman look so familiar?
God reminded me
of a moment in TJ Maxx when i was shopping (“the TJ Maxx Moment” is what i
refer to instances such as this) i remember waiting in line and a woman who was
checking out in front of me glowed. i now know it was because she was carrying
the presence of God with her. i didn’t look at her and envy her or become jealous.
She was just captivating because she
carried God confidence. (please don’t distort what i’m saying with perverse
thinking). All women display God’s beauty. (When i read “Captivating” by John
and Stasi Eldridge, i gained insight to that truth. It’s a fantastic read!)
The woman who
embraced me in the wings was the very same woman who i previously saw in the
checkout line at TJ Maxx. God told me to hold on to that moment for a later
reason. Awesome.
Not only that…
but, i was
wearing my “Hope” key necklace that Megan gave me when this woman prayed
over me. Later, i found out that she was not just some random customer at a
department store, but wife to the worship leader, Aaron Keyes. Her name Megan Keyes. So neat.
Megan Haynes
prayed over the keys before she bought them. The word couldn’t have been more
perfect.
March 8th 2016
i was suppose to meet with the ladies this Tuesday, but all of us were in need of serious rest, so we decided to meet a day later in the week.
When we discussed this, i was cleaning at one of my client's homes. i was already planning on how i was going to use the time instead, and to use it wisely. Something reminded of the "sisterhood ring" blog post i wanted to start. And so, like that...my mind was set.
i finished business and came home. i was suddenly struck with a wave of exhaustion, so i sat down on the couch and turned on Netflix.
i rarely ever watch t.v. or turn on Netflix. However, when i do, i expect to get something profound out of it. (God speaks everywhere and through every thing if we just put the glasses on to hear/see *but it must always line up with Scripture*...we also have an enemy who wants to deceive us). Anyway, i waited for it to load.
i kid you not.....
The movie that was already loaded/preset to watch as a "suggestion" (i'm assuming) was "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"
Oh girl, i never hopped my toosh out of sitting so fast in all my life.
i ran to get my journal, and from then on i had ultimate confirmation from the Lord!!
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Before i go even
more on a rabbit trail (which is completely justified since it’s Easter…) let
Him drive the point home!
in sharing the
details, i hope it reiterates that the details of your life matter to God. When
following Him, they will all eventually line up too! Revelation can happen in a
day, but it's over time that it beautifully unfolds. Remember that when you
want to get ahead. “Do not worry about
tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day
is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34) God knows what’s its like to be us
because He came as Jesus and walked earth fully God and fully man. He
understands how we learn. That it takes time. And so, He is patient. “Okay, one day at a time; I am in no hurry,
dear.” Even the disciples called Jesus "Messiah" before they came
to an adequate understanding of what that designation really meant. Jesus continued
to reveal Himself to the Samaritan woman. Like them, we can start to grow in
our understanding of who He is.
…with this ring…,
i discovered the most intimate relationship there is- that is with Jesus, the
Lover of my soul. He became real to me as my Lord, Savior, and Healer in this
life also…not just in heaven. i wasn’t experiencing God in my present.
Jesus is the redeemer of our past, the *gift for our present* (pun intended),
and the Hope for our future. It's why i praise Him using His name, Emmanuel
(God with us) because He is. He is so real. And that is where my passion lies-
to see a generation experience Jesus as Lord. To have a clear understanding of
our identity {in Him}. To see the church revived!! To see His church come out
of slumber. To see His bride so in love. To see an army so moved by His
presence, so on fire for Him. That's my hope, because Hope came to me and said
"you don't have to do it alone. Follow Me, and I'll show you the
way." Through trials i soon saw what He was Healer of. My heart. My soul.
And that trumps any tragedy/trial i face because i see there is joy to be found
in those times. He always comes through and makes good what the enemy intended
for evil, because our God is faithful. He is with you. Emmanuel.
Jesus wants to become real so you
can have a confidence to be real in. Come out from hiding behind the façade of who you think you should be, in
order to be liked. Take off your masks.
Finally, we close
with this picture:
In finding my
truest identity,
God has
stripped me so much that i have been brought back to my childhood so it’s there that He tells me who i am:
"You are a child of God, sweet daughter." (ref to
John 1:12)
"Have child-like faith. Not naive, but innocent and
simplistic belief in Me. Come back to who you were. There's unending joy to be
found there. The place before the world suffocated you in labels of who
you thought you had to be. Shake them all off!
And so, i
gathered the FOUR things I always played with as a child. All, but one, are
pictured. (Yes, these were the kind of gifts I asked at Christmas. And although
they were the upgraded versions that came in my age of double digits, the theme
ran constant even prior.)
i played
school, and performed concerts for my family. Bless their hearts. And i was the
sister who made her brother and his friends play a part too. i drug them into
my fairytale weddings and assigned them a role to participate. Bless their
hearts.
Anyway,
all humor aside, God told me to take a harder look at these items…
My
flower-girl dresses i used for “dress-up” (not pictured):
- “The One who has
the bride is the Bridegroom. The friend of the Bridegroom, who stands and hears
him, rejoices greatly at the Bridegroom's voice. Therefore this Joy of mine is
now complete.” (John 3:29)
-“And Jesus came and said
to them, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go
therefore and make disciples of all
nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the
Holy Spirit, teaching them to
observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the
end of the age.’” (Matthew 28:18-20)
-Be
transparent. Be real.
Karaoke:
-i love
singing and worshipping Jesus through music (even though it’s definitely not my
gift nor talent….but, it is pleasing to God!) "Sing, O daughter of Zion! Shout, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem!" (Zephaniah 3:14)
-Worship
music led me to my knees and into my Maker’s Arms.
-Worship
has now expanded to all areas of my life extending
beyond the four walls of a church building, beyond the 30 or so minutes
before/after service. Worship is where Jesus is.
“Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the
Lord!” (Psalm 150:6)
-And He sings over you and me! "The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)
My prayer is that you would let Jesus expose you. "He
told me all that i ever did" (john 4:39). i pray that you would believe
"not because of what [i] have said," but that you would have your own
personal encounter with Jesus (John 4:42) ..."but these are written that you may
believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may
have life in His name." (John 20:31)
my story
is just a micro-testament in HIStory and i am excited to watch it become
smaller as my sisters receive this ring and share their story too. We all have
a testimony and i believe He will use this rinky dinky ring in a powerful way!!
May it travel to the ends of the world, bringing Hope in all of your hearts.
May it be used to revive His church! May it be used to captivate His bride. May
Emmanuel become so very real to you by the power of the Holy Spirit. May He
give you your identity back! God bless and keep you always! In Jesus' name i
pray. Amen.
and if you leave with one thing today, beloved. i hope you
answer the knock at the door.
….& i hope you dance.
with much love,
xo
(i also wanted to thank every sister and every brother who has contributed to my walk with the Lord. The names are innumerable. If you were not personally mentioned in this post, your significance is not any less. While wearing this cross ring i have had countless conversations with you all who have planted seeds just by being true in who you are in Christ. my prayer is that the fruit will flourish on in to your journey too! To my "constants" and to any one who has impacted my life- date back to kindergarten...who knows, maybe even before then: God knows how much of a role you have played in being His Hands and Feet. He knows the essential role you had in carrying me into His arms and i pray one day you will too! You "truth-tellers" have not gone unnoticed to the One who sees and hears it all! Be encouraged!)
“but let your adorning be the hidden
person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped
in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands…” -1 Peter
3:4-5 i came across a recent article by John Piper: “A
Beautiful Woman Is a Person, Not a Body.”1 The message resonated in
the depths of my soul. As i went to Facebook to share the message, i felt God
briefing on my past. my past. There’s such a negative connotation, more often
times than not, when talking about what is behind us. However, as we learn to
discern God’s voice over Satan’s, we find Grace that trumps any shame and/or
guilt. As humans, we wrestle between good and evil, between our spirit and
flesh. As children of God, Satan knows he cannot destroy us. His goal, then, is
to attack us and render us ineffective for being all that we are called to be *for
God’s glory and His Kingdom’s sake.*
The devil intends to hinder our time on earth. (i.e. temping us into sin,
suffocating us with discouragement and insecurity, shame and guilt, fear and
anxiety, etc.) Ultimately he plans to barricade us from reaching lost souls,
from advancing the Kingdom of God, from living freely and fully as we are
called to be disciples of Jesus. But i will declare *in the name of Jesus* “No weapon formed against [me] shall
prosper, and every tongue which rises against [me] in judgment [i] shall
condemn. This IS the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their
righteousness is from [Him]!!” (Isaiah 54:17 *emphasis added) And so, i will tell of the Good News of Jesus
Christ all of my days. Even now, as i write, the devil schemes…clouding my
thoughts, making me tired, and at other times ADD. Concerning the topic of our
pasts, though, Satan will remind us. His vehicle is condemnation and
condemnation is the epitome of hindrance. It prevents us from moving forward. We
must know the heart of God is never
condemnation but instead, conviction. i’ve learned to discern who’s voice to
listen to when my past is brought up just in observing the way i feel. God is Almighty,
and He forgives me! So, he wouldn’t bring up my past to hurt me; though, i do
think God allows us to be reminded of things we’ve forgotten. We have a fleshly
side, remember? The healing He has
done in/from our past is what we are to focus on. It’s one of the major ways to
pull me back into the Spirit. i, then, have an overwhelming reverence for God. **Key reminder: -Condemnation calls me into the pantry to
overeat; it calls me into isolation, into darkness and depression…and
ironically-further sin. The devil won a battle. (harsh truth) -Conviction brings me to my knees and makes my
love for Jesus grow deeper! It spurs me on into righteousness, into abundance
and blessing, into growth and fruition. (goodbye Satan, you have no place here!) i say all of this beforehand, because yes, i was
reminded of my past just yesterday due to the article i stumbled upon.
Naturally, i cringed when looking back at who i once was, but God is making me
strong to stand firm on His promises. He makes light of our darkness and as we
heal, we inevitably become passionate in pulling others out of that same sin
that once held us in shackles. So be encouraged! your biggest trials WILL be
used for good and i believe He will give you a testimony if you’ll let Him! We
need you and you have something to offer to the Body of Christ, because your
story can reach someone more profoundly than mine ever could and vise-versa;
together, we are stronger! The article by John Piper is not just for wives
but a wonderful truth for us all. i remember striving so hard to look a certain
way, to achieve an external image....and in doing so, i neglected the biggest
heart check of my life. i made pretty "my house" and painted it well;
i even had it decorated with an array of beautiful plants. What a deceiving showcase. If you were to walk inside my house...it looked
like a tornado had hit some days and others it looked completely desolate. Both
projecting a very unwelcoming home. Certainly no one was invited in...and so, i
wrestled...My heart wanted more in my relationships, more depth in community. But i kept
my brothers and sisters from coming passed the driveway, and i kept our Healer
on the back burner. Something kept whispering, "there's
something more." Fulfillment didn't come until i found the One
Who's been waiting to make light my darkness. Who offers a firm foundation to
rebuild upon. Who tidies up the mess from "you-Can't-Do-It-yourself
Tornado." Who offers Himself as a well that never runs dry- filling the
empty places inside and waters the landscaping *for His glory* so that others
may see Him. We aren't created to be shallow.
We were created to be *real*. To be transparent.
It's good to come undone. It's good to be humbled. It's good to have heart
checks.
=================================================================
As we are approaching Easter Sunday, it’d be good to reflect on the
significance of today (Palm Sunday.) It is also the first day of spring. Two days of irony. Why?
1. The week before His crucifixion, Jesus (as King) rode humbly (on a
donkey) up to Jerusalem. Amidst the shouts of welcoming praise, Jesus’ heart
was sad. He wept. Jesus knew the city would soon reject Him.
(praise/celebration for the One Who’s heart is saddened…irony)
2. For the most part, this past week has been warm, sunny, and in the upper
70s. But today, (day one of spring) it’s been cloudy, windier, and the
temperature has dropped into the low 50s. Maybe the weather prior to today was
less norm for this season, but us Georgians got spoiled pretty quickly
therefore making today seem, well…ironic. Maybe it’s also the fact that my
brother, his girlfriend, and i just had a bonfire earlier for warmth. (Anyway,
enough about the weather…my mom always said she thought i was going to be a
meteorologist, and so i felt it an opportune time to step into the stoplight,
shine, and make momma proud ;-) No? ...okay, i won’t quit my day job.
This irony…happenstance? Coincidence? i oppose such thinking. Jesus is here
and now. “So we fix our eyes not on what
is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is
unseen is eternal.” (2 Cor. 4:18)
Mom and i were reflecting a couple days ago about
how lost we in fact were. i used rhetoric to remind ourselves of what God has
actually done in our hearts. “Remember when i was a child and asked you why we
celebrate Easter and you said ‘i don’t know, i’ll have to google it.’” And if that’s you today, BE ENCOURAGED by what God can
do in a human heart. He died for you. Believe that truth. we spent Easter with our baskets full, but our
hearts empty. Jesus wept as He drew near and saw the city of
Jerusalem. i’ll even go as far to say that He was weeping because of me. All
those years i neglected relationship with Him, passing right on through the most
intimate times of celebration (like Easter) and not even recognizing Him. No
wonder i felt empty. “There’s something more.” There’s something more to His sacrifice
than just having Him in our future. A HUGE
“ah-ha” moment i had today was the truth of who i really made Jesus to be…a
person i pushed into a place far from the past, far from the present…a place later
in eternity. It’s why i felt i had no one to go to for healing in my life on
earth. It’s the bigger picture of why i took control. Okay, y’all. This
“ah-ha” moment is being revealed even more so right now. THANK YOU JESUS! He
just brought scripture to mind (Psalm 46:1). It reads “God is our refuge and
strength, a very PRESENT help in
time of trouble.”The revelation is
that Jesus is here now, not just when we get to heaven! Thank You, Lord!
Wow. While i was “lost,” i was attending the same church
i go to now (Grace.) It’s named after the epitome of the Good News…the gospel
of Jesus Christ and it’s further proof that we can be surrounded with truth,
but not let it change our hearts and transform us. we may have family who have come to the faith,
who have been born again. It may be how you were raised…all you have ever known
to believe. God asks of us to seek Him ourselves. Wonder from how we were
brought up so we can be personally transformed by uniquely experiencing His
love. We shouldn’t be naïve into thinking our family’s faith is our ticket into
heaven. God doesn’t have grandchildren.
We are Children of God-of the day and not of darkness.
Every day i go to work as a “Helping Hand” to
clean homes, i am reminded of this powerful truth and so i am here to remind
you: Let the Hand of God reach into your
messy, broken heart. Make a home for Jesus there. i highly refer you to His cleaning.
He’s not only good at what He does; He is perfect. AND He is always available, never "maxed out"! Only the best in the biz can
mend your broken pieces. What a Love so faithful! Much love, -me: just a broken, regular person, who has
discovered Grace, wanting to spend the rest of my life running free...but most
importantly, living real, in hopes that other people would become real, too. “Therefore,
since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by
which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. For our God is
a consuming fire.” –Hebrews 12:28 xo
Do you remember the bracelets embroidered with the
abbreviation W.W.J.D.?
i hate to coin that apparel/accessory as a long ago “trend.”
(insinuating that it’s out of date…no longer hip…out of style.) But let us
retrograde to that place in time. (In memory, yes…but essentially, my higher
hope is for a “comeback”)
W.W.J.D. What a
simple phrase/question that carries a lot of weight. i don’t know about you,
but as long as i am living in this body, in this world, i am going to need that as a constant reminder! It’d be
wise to have this visual placed back
on my wrist to remind me “get out of your flesh, Kalynn;” wouldn’t you agree? So
don’t bet your bottom dollar that i won’t be ordering me some. Amazon is only a
click or three away! ;-]
i think Philippians 4:8 is a good
place to start when we ask ourselves “What
Would Jesus Do?”
“Finally, brethren,
whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just,
whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of
good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-
meditate on these things.”
While this scripture, in context, is generally about
obtaining God’s peace by a transformed renewal of the mind- can it not also be
about peace between you and those you come in contact with on a day-to-day
basis? How we communicate- whether by speech and/or body language, there must
first be a place where it originates and it’d be wise to filter and weigh the
effects before responding. What we hold in our heart and mind is revealed in
what we say and do. Heart checks are not
fun, but they are crucial if we want to build the body UP and also become
spiritually mature ourselves.
As i have personally experienced the harm in reacting versus
responding, i can indubitably say that
before any action i have made, i never regretted sitting with Jesus beforehand.
i do, however, wish, i could go back to the times i have hurt someone with
what i said or what i did because i was reacting in my flesh…on my own accord.
When i say “sitting with Jesus,” that can literally mean
getting alone with Him for a carved amount of time growing deeper in the
knowledge of Him. But it can also occur within a few seconds.
Sitting with Jesus can look like a matter of all sorts of
things:
-it’s asking for His perspective before your flesh wants you
to fly off the handle to an offensive comment.
-it’s acknowledging His presence, asking for His eyes to see
someone who would otherwise be overlooked.
- it’s asking for His heart to have compassion on an angry
customer.
-it’s talking to Him, praying for His strength to do the
seemingly “impossible.”
Our parents called it “think before you speak” and “if you
can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” The Bible is full of scripture
about watching our tongue, and i mean TONS!
“Death and life are in the power
of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” -Proverbs 18:21
“There is one who speaks
like the piercings of a sword,but the tongue of the wisepromoteshealth.” –Proverbs 12:18
“But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak,
they will give account of it in the Day of Judgment. For by your words you will
be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” –Matthew 12:36&37
“Let no corrupt word proceed
out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may
impart grace to the hearers.” –Ephesians 4:29
Concerning the “Golden Rule,” Scripture says in Matthew 7,
verse 12:
“Therefore, whatever you
want men to do to you, do also for them, for this is the Law of the Prophets.”
And going back to the way ours words reveal what is in our
hearts…
Matthew
12:33-35 “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad
and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of
vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of
the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart
brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth
evil things.”
So what’s the formula to walking in the Spirit?
i think it’s written in the story of Jesus. What He did; how He handled
the brokenness in the world He was sent in to; how He dealt with the very
temptation we also face today and still, He did not sin. We are not called to be perfect,
but we are called to be made in His image. To clarify…Satan fell because
he wanted to be like God. There is a
difference in allowing Jesus to do a good work in us so that we are made more in more in
His image, not with the sense of being like
the Father. Polar opposites.
My encouragement is to read John chapter 15. Jesus is THE Way, THE Truth, and THE life. (John 14:6a). Abide in
Him and you will bear much fruit. In our walk with the Lord, we will be pruned.
At first it hurts. It looks like devastation; but in all actuality, it’s
crucial to the nature of God. He is abundant in love and blessings. Every thing
He does is good. He takes away to grow us stronger and to move us forward. Just
like a plant, pruning helps the plant become more prosperous!! The more we grow
in our walk, the more we will become familiar with His pruning. Therefore, our
faith becomes stronger and our roots grow deeper! You will bear much fruit as
you continue remaining in His presence...i don’t find it happenstance that the analogy in
John 15 with fruit, is also is used in Galatians 5:22&23 describing the
fruit of the Spirit.
“But the fruit
of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control.”
There are battles and deep wounds behind our sisters’ and brothers’ smiling
faces; hurts that surpass our own struggles. Jesus doesn’t ask us to personally endure the same struggle before we show empathy and compassion towards others. It would be wise to ask Him to give us a heart for what breaks His. It’d be wise to be kind, always. It’d be wise to sit
with Jesus before we behave in our flesh. You may not know it, but in just the
smallest vulnerable state, Satan could use you as his tool. That sure does make
me want to think twice before i say and/or do something!
If you have lived, you know pain. Don’t let it make you bitter; let it
make you better. Every one is fighting a hard battle you may know nothing
about. Do you want to help increase that pain or help decrease that pain? W.W.J.D.?
“And those who
are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live
in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited,
provoking one another, envying one another.”-Eph. 5:24-26 "He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked." -1 John 2:6
Let us extend the love and grace and forgiveness and mercy that our Father so abundantly
pours onto us. Let us be His Hands and Feet.
i carry this key tag to help keep me inspired, to remind me of
the harm of what coming unglued1
can do. i had the option of four tags each with different quotes, and i felt this
one {overall} best describes the conscious choice we have to make in our daily
encounters to either respond or react. i tend to approach matters more
from an emotional standpoint than with an intellectual perspective. i feel
deeply and for many years i let sensibility work against my favor and that of
those around me. Whatever was conflicting me internally had no means of filter
for what was expressed externally. Most times the hurt i would feel came out in
a wrath of anger. What’s worse is not many people saw that side of me, except
for the ones i love most. Maybe because i
had come to accept their love… being something like Jesus’…unconditional of some sorts, and therefore approval to be totally
reactive and explosive {hm…keep that in mind, we’ll come back to it} It’s
amazing to reflect on that part of my past because what Satan intended for
evil, God, as Master Weaver and Master Builder, redeemed for good. Can i get a “so be it” to the work of the
Almighty? Amen again and again! He has and continues to develop my character,
strengthen my inner peace and make me new in Him day by day.
We can look at Joseph’s story -from the Bible- as a
testament to God’s redemption plan for His children. I quote Max Lucado (as he
says it best): “You are a version of Joseph in your generation. You represent a
challenge to Satan’s plan. You carry something of God within you, something
noble and holy, something the world needs- wisdom, kindness, mercy, skill. If
Satan can neutralize you, he can mute your influence. The story of Joseph is in
the Bible for a reason: to teach you to trust God to trump evil. …In God’s
hands, intended evil becomes eventual good.”2
While the details of Joseph’s journey do not exactly match
my personal story that i am going to share with you, the message is the same: that God uses our mess for good.
Furthermore, the extent and brutality of his hardships encourages me to get
outside myself when i think i got it bad. “Abandonment led to enslavement,
entrapment, and imprisonment. He was sucker-punched. Sold out. Mistreated.
People made promises only to break them. Offered gifts only to take them. If
hurt is a swampland, then Joseph was sentenced to a life of hard labor in the
Everglades. He’d be the first to tell you that life in the pit stinks. Yet, for
all its rottenness, doesn’t the pit do this much? It forces you to look upward. Someone from up there must come
down here and give you a hand. God did for Joseph and at the right time, in the right way, He will do the same for you.”2
***Before i begin to share, i encourage you to acknowledge
that the presence of God is with you right now. If His Holy Spirit has led you
here to read, i believe there is something He wants to say to you specially. If
you need a moment…take it. Pray, be still and listen, turn on some music and
worship Him. Hey, all three is great too! Whatever you need to do to so He can
prepare your heart, do that. Lord,
prepare our hearts.
-i actually have a suggestion. If i knew how to add
background music to this post i would. But i think it’d be cool to read along
with this song. i hope you enjoy!
At the end of last year, i was not exactly happy. Generally speaking, i was hurting
and depressed but at a level that i was able to still function; it was a forced
state of daily routine. This is not to have anyone’s pity but instead, it’s said
in order to be real with you. i am quite thankful for that dark season because
God allowed it to show me and teach me (through trial and testing) where my
worth comes from; it’s derived from His very Word and not from carnal minds.
Thursday, September 24th… “A Work Day That Was Going Great!” After recognizing my
frustration caused from the traffic in my hour long car drive to my first
client’s home, i took that as an indicator
to pray, especially considering the schedule for that day. i asked God to
give me His strength to endure the day placed before me…in my journal i wrote
this, (but i’ll paraphrase)…my client happened to be there when i arrived and
God showed me He was with me. His peace settled me. My client and i talked
before i got to cleaning and she gave me a huge hug and said “i just love you!”
God really knew what i needed to feel loved, special and appreciated in that
moment because instantly i was renewed. (it’s the simple things, i swear, that
fill the heart). i also believe God orchestrated that morning as preparation
for what was ahead. i believe He put it on Carol’s (my client’s) heart to show
me kindness and to give me lenience (an assumption because her home was more
than “picked up” and she hadn’t left me any specific requests). With all of
that said, i was in a really good mood! My lifted spirit had energized and
fueled me for my next job also.
…the next part of that day is where i get hesitant in
sharing. i relive- in some sorts- the same feelings i felt which ironically
enough, flags an indicator i am still
moving forward, healing in this area…
As i am finishing up at my second house (happy, peppy,
cheery –mind you), the husband of my client, remarks “i’m shocked!” i respond,
“shocked? how come? ” still all smiles J …
“You’ve put on a lot
of weight!” (he says, in the upmost condescending tone)
i try to not let it break me so i go with it. The fact that
his comment held some truth, also kept me from arguing (amongst remaining
professional).
But it didn’t stop…even after admitting that i had in fact
put on some weight. i said “i am working on it.”
it was thrown right back in my face that it wasn’t just some… “Why??” (he hissed)
(the tone i perceived was one of disgust. disappointment. …not
honest concern for my well being.)
as nobody came in to take my defense, i felt trapped.
belittled. stuffed into a “catch- all closet” nobody ever opened. (this is what
i wrote) “a closet that kept piling up with useless things.” I felt like a
useless thing…not a person, but a thing. …degraded.
He proceeded to tell me that their new home had a lot of
construction dust for me to clean…insinuating i would have a lot of physical
activity to get me “moving”
i was speechless. i was starting to see red. hot tears began
forming underneath my eyelids. And so… i walked away.
Finally, she came as my voice. His wife said “Okay, stop you
are going to hurt her.” I turned around and tried to be stern in my response,
but I could only muster up words that came out cracked and shaky “yes, that was
really rude.” The cry following completely caught me off guard. It was honestly
uncontrollable…a clear indicator i
had not only been extremely hurt but that i had suppressed some deep
feelings…swept them right under the rug and saved them for that moment.
She came to the bathroom to consul me and it was genuine. In
that particular moment i allowed my flesh to overrule and it sure enough failed
me. i tried to make a quick attempt to gather the pieces of my shattered heart
off the floor of her bathroom as she diverted the conversation to causal talk. i
had no interest in being fake. i needed a moment with God, but did i do that?
No. i was flustered. And her means of changing the subject…oh, it couldn’t have
been a worse topic “do you have a boyfriend?”
the flood came again. And whether i perceived it to be
selfish on her part, i wasn’t reminding myself of God’s Word “for we do not wrestle against flesh and
blood…”
She again tried to divert the conversation, this time
wanting assurance i wasn’t going to cancel business with them…she brought up
the dire need she had for her new home to be cleaned before the move in date.
In that moment, the devil used that and said “she doesn’t care about you; she
just wants to know if she is going to have her home cleaned.” In hindsight, i
now find her comment/question comforting… She
didn’t want to lose me. (God, the Master Weaver)
PSST…come close.
That’s another victory for God!
Eventually, the Spirit of Truth kicked in and i looked in
those bathroom mirrors and started affirming myself with God’s idea of me. He
says: Kalynn, you are made in My image, sweet
daughter. I AM El Roi. I AM the God of Hagar and I AM the God who sees you. I
see your struggles. I hear your cries. Don’t you know you are beautiful! Say
it. You are worth more than sparrows. You are worth more than gold. And you are
waking up every day and fighting through. You were made for more than this.
Hard pressed on every side, but you do it girl, you keep going. I AM Emmanuel-I
am here with you now. Come into my wings. I will lift you up and you will soar.
Keep running the race, fighting for the prize that is in your Lord Jesus. This
mess will be your message because first, I have overcome and second, you have
victory in Me. Hold on, babygirl. I won’t let go. You don’t need to live for applause;
you’re already so adored. (Now, okay, this is not verbatim and yes, there
is some added emphasis. That’s because i sit here recounting that moment, i see
that poor girl as any- another sister struggling with the very same battle. i
sit here more confident because of
that very hard day and i cheer her on…i
cheer you on because I know, my
sister, you are about to get through.
God had her back! And He most
definitely has yours! Do. Not. Give. Up.
…And if the words won’t come and you don’t know what to say,
just say “Jesus”.3
“Likewise the Spirit
also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we
ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which
cannot be uttered.” (Romans 8:26)
“The Lord is near to
all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18)
“…Fear not, for I have
redeemed you; I have called you by your name: You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall
not overflow you. When you walk through the
fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I AM the
Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...” (Isaiah 43:1-3)
---i could seriously write that whole chapter out. SO
comforting!---
Once i could talk again, i told her that while i didn’t hold
anything against either one of them, her husband had hit a very sensitive area
in me- being that i have struggled with issues with my weight and eating
disorders and yah-de-yah-de-yah. How could i hold him accountable for a past he
knew nothing of? Even if his comment was rude, regardless, the way i came unglued1 was a sure tale sign i wasn’t
immersing myself with God’s truth. Having a Bible is like having a gym
membership. It’s only beneficial if we use it. Applying God’s Word is
completely different from reading God’s Word. And here is what has
significantly transformed me. Bowing down, humbling myself before the Lord.
Laying my heart, my hurt, my confusions, my anger, my disappointments …every
bit of me and my pride down at His feet. Ridding myself of “me” to be filled
with Him. Yes, well “He already knows my heart” you may say. Of course. But He
is your friend. Don’t you feel more intimate with someone when you talk and communicate
those things that you rejoice over and those things that are bothering you?
Jesus wants to hear us. That’s part of free-will. He wants us to choose Him first. Relationship is every
thing to Jesus. He gave Himself. Literally, as a living sacrifice that we may
live. But that’s only the beginning. The beauty i find in being a follower of
Christ is an intimacy like no other person, place or thing...has, can, or will
ever be able to provide for me. Jesus is enough. While God wants to bless us,
He wants us to stay grounded when we receive His gifts. “Thank You, Lord. i
praise You for Your abundance. ‘They’ are still not mine, ‘they’ are yours.” I
am learning that what He gives me can easily take precedence over Him if i am
not steadfast. Those “things” can be taken away faster than they were given.
(For my good, of course). i can say this with absolute confidence that every loss has been a true blessing in
disguise. Thank You, Lord for Your grace which drew me in even closer. I am
thankful. This is the unconditional love
i said we would come back to. i think of my lashing out and how my family
never disowned me. i think of marriages with infidelity or relationships where
cheating has occurred, and yet the other chooses to forgive despite the bullet in his/her heart. How much more does God
hurt when i turn my back on Him? The One who gave me life and a new day? It
breaks His heart. i know the deep wounds caused by rejection and i didn’t die on a cross for that person. Yet
God sent Jesus to save us. The gift… The offering doesn’t fade. What grace.
What unconditional love. Broken, shattered, abused, addicted, messed up, tore
up from the floor up, wretch, yet He says “Come
to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My
yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you
will find rest for your souls, For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30)
I recently learned about that work “yoke” A yoke would
string two animals together. The work load they could carry would then double. Two are better than one. If one animal was more strong than the other,
it would help move them at their pace. (a compromise of strength where the
other was weak). I believe Jesus is telling us that. Walk beside me and I will carry you. Watch How I work and wait to see
it all unfold-beyond your wildest dreams; your faith in Me will grow; your
faith will increase and you will be made new…more and more in My image; you
were made to do hard and holy things. For where you are weak, I am strong.
Jesus put Himself in our shoes. He knows. It breaks His
heart to see you hurt. Run to Him. Seek His face. Fall hard into His strong
arms. He is the lover of your soul.
…
i don’t mean to harp on the issue but hopefully in sharing,
this just reiterates that there is no quick fix in the different battles we all
face. No matter how small they may seem to others, they are big to you and
therefore, they are big to God. BUT they are not bigger than God and He will
take His time to heal you.
Immediately, of course, i wanted to come home and tap my
fast and furious 10 fingers across the keyboard and get to blogging. But God
said no. He said: you know that is coming from a place of
bitterness. If you’ll give me time to heal you, you’ll have a real story. i look at my keychain
and He says: Remember these feelings inside you are indicators, not dictators. Walk with Me, work with Me, watch how I do
it.
And so, i waited.
Tuesday, January 26th…”Praise Him. Raise The
Roof. My God Heals!”
i was cleaning at my client’s house… the one in particular
who i allowed his words to cut deep and hurt me badly. i started to think of
that day last year, recalling how i wanted to write and blog about it but felt God
saying He needed more time with me first… that i had room to mature so i could
write from a place of grace and with a forgiving heart.
But why did this
memory suddenly play back in my head?
1. Association of being in their home (most obvious reason)
2. The night before, i had gone to the gym and long story
short, we (my mom and a friend) got on the subject of body dimorphism. The term
my sweet friend coined when she couldn’t really receive the compliment my mom
and i had given her. Generally speaking, we saw the output of her hard
word...the input of exercising. i told her that even at my fittest, i still
wasn’t happy. Her response: “Yeah, you were really skinny.” For a split second
i was tempted to revert back to old thinking, old insecurities. The devil
wanted to use her words to block the truth of what me and God both knew of my
journey. the backstage growth that had infact occurred and the steps of
wellness that i have taken to honor Him with my body. Like any good thing, it’s
a process and i reminded myself that it is well with my soul and nothing needs
an explanation, because El Roi sees. He is enough. i am definitely not perfect.
i did accompany the lie that followed her comment “you were skinny” (implying “so not anymore, girl. pffft HA you are a
sorry excuse and a lost cause”) Yes, i gave Satan a foothold. His Word says in
those moments that we are tempted, “Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will
flee.” It definitely took flirting with Satan’s lie to hear how awful that
sounded, which then led me to replace it with God’s truth. (God, at it again…
the Master Weaver) Another victory for
our Lord!
After leaving the gym, i didn’t think much of her comment, if
at all really; we had no hard feelings… no signs of tension. In fact, we were
bonding on the car ride home.
And when the thought resurfaced at my clients this day, so
did a song. “Losing” by Tenth Avenue North. One of my other dear friends reminded
me of this song when i came to her after that “Work Day That Was Going Great.” She sent me the
lyrics:
i can't believe what
she said
i can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something i missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard
This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make
Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
The words breathed life back into me again. That day and This day. and still TODAY!
Also, with conscious effort to retrain my brain and fix my
mind, my heart felt peace. And like that, i was on my way to my next house,
energized and powered by His love.
Now, come close. This is the beauty of God. This is His
awesomeness. Just as we love to see someone surprised by our gift, so does our
Heavenly Father with His to us and His gift of unexpectedness is the best.
Listen to how He worked.
Not long after i got to my second house that day, i received
a text from my friend. She wanted to apologize for what she had said. “Hey, i
feel bad about yesterday when i was like ‘oh my gosh, yeah you were so skinny.
i didn’t mean it like you don’t look good now because you do! i was just
thinking about myself and how [i use to look and how i wished i still looked
that way]…i didn’t mean it negatively ‘cause i’m super sensitive and i just
don’t want your feelings to be hurt by that.”
WOW. just WOW.
i was overcome by His presence as i was reading what she
wrote. Complete chills. i didn’t know how much i needed to hear her words. Not
because i was hurting, and needed an apology but because God wanted to show me
that i had healed since the last negative comment made about my weight. i
literally wanted to squeeze her through the phone and share with her my tears
of joy. “God is good, girl. God is good!”
Anyway, the conversation went from there and it allowed us
both to share our same struggle with one another. We aren’t alone in this. She
was faithful and obedient to what was pulling at her heart to apologize and became
vulnerable with me. That in turn, was a direct avenue to blessing. What the enemy intended for evil, God once
again used for good! Go God!
Satan wants to drive a wedge between you and God. Between
you and others. He knows that there is a Greater force to be reckoned with.
Don’t let him have his way. You are a warrior of God. Arm yourselves for
battle. We are on fire and we are rising UP!
i look at my key tag “feelings are indicators, not
dictators” and rejoice in the good work Jesus has done in me. i know i am far
from finished, forever a work in progress. i am thankful for these memories and
hardships as they have led me closer and closer to the Lord. They are
signs…indicators…promptings that I need to sit with Jesus. He works while we
wait. Feelings are blessings and a part of how God designed us. They do not
have to work against you. Listen to what you feel. Process those feeling by
bringing them before the Lord. Watch how God weaves it for ultimate good!
“In many ways, God
sends His blessings into our lives in a just-in-time process. He is the
provider of every thing we need or will ever need, though He does not give it
to us all at once. We would be way overwhelmed if He did! God’s just-in-time
plan for you is twofold. First, it leads you to ask Him for your daily needs.
Second, it prompts you to trust Him to meet your future needs. He desires to
hear your requests. God will be there just in time for you, every time.”4
These experiences have also opened the eyes of my heart. He’s
helping me move past the hurt so I am
able to see beyond what the enemy intended for evil. He allows me to see the hurting behind those darts. He indicates something troubling has
wounded that person for them to say/do such unfruitful things. Therefore, i
have become more compassionate and more giving of Grace. And He has
significantly increased my prayer life. The result is lifted weight off my
shoulders…The result is a sound mind. Thank
You, Jesus.
Before He wraps all of this up, i want to go back to the
verse in Ephesians (6:12) “For we do no
not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against
powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts
of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
Notice how my client’s husband and my sweet friend didn’t
directly attack me with a lie. They simply made a comment and i gave Satan a
foothold to run with. I say that because there is conscious effort we must
make. i believe getting in His Word is the only way to discipline your
thoughts, and to discern the enemy’s voice from The Voice of God. There’s work
to do and Jesus sticks closer than a brother. He’s with you ALL THE WAY through.
All this to conclude:
(so that you aren’t deceived) Gaining wisdom in this doesn’t guarantee that i
am free from feeling pain and hurt. No. But i only hope that when the darts
come, something in me has changed. i hope to continue to improve on processing
my feelings with help from The Voice Of Truth, instead of reacting in my flesh.
I love these words of Mother Teresa:
Give grace as you have been given.
Hurting people hurt people. Show them Christ <3, anyway.
you are so loved, xo.
References:
1. “Unglued” by Lysa Terkeurst
2. “You’ll Get Through This” by Max Lucado
3. lyrics from “Just Say Jesus” by 7eventh Time Down
4. “Stronger; 365 Daily Devotions for a Courageous Heart”
with Debbie Waldrep (My actual devotion dated for this day, Feb. 17th)
