to taste "Beginning"

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul." -Brigitte Nicole

Sometimes my purpose in writing is to share significance, things that have been brought to my attention, things that have been made real for me. So I write for you, in hopes that maybe you can relate and know we’re not alone in this whole human experience.

And sometimes… sometimes, I write for myself. To go back and read the words over again. You know, something like giving others the exact advice that I should be giving my own self. Because really, that’s what we all do anyway, right? We know our weaknesses all too well and most likely subconsciously project the fix, the cure, the solution onto others. Just listen to the things you hear yourself advising. What do you preach about most?

So why are we so apt to suggest a course of action to someone else but rarely dive into it ourselves? I can only think of one reasoning. Change. More specifically… letting go.

Surely I’ve become stronger in many areas. Such as in things I won’t tolerate, things that are not good for my health, not giving into anger, loving the woman God made me to be and being comfortable with her quirks and all. Those are all great, but what is stopping me from moving forward?? If I’m not moving in that direction at full force, then I’m NOT pursing the very best woman God intended for me to be. Do you remember me talking about faith in one of my latter blog posts? Ever since my brother’s accident, the word is no longer just a word but it’s become a part of me, like my organs which keep me living. Faith has become a very real thing. But I feel I’ve been hit with hard truth, that maybe I’m lacking a bit of it. I can’t let things go. I hold on…cling… to old ways, if not socially or physically, it’s definitely mentally and emotionally. That is the worst. And I’m honestly embarrassed by it.

Do you ever stop to think why our sweetest memories bring us our greatest pain? I think it’s because they are of the past. We long for the same feelings from that one time. So maybe we try to copy it and make it a sweet thing of the present. Don’t we freak when we experience déjà vu? The feeling brings on anxiety and literally makes me sick to my stomach. So why do I think manipulating present situations in order to have the same experiences from my past will not bring on the same “ick.”

Or maybe it’s the curiosity of what could’ve been that keeps you stagnant.

Doors are shut, but sometimes we lack faith and don’t trust that God closed it for our greater good. At this very moment, I am shocked at the feelings and thoughts surfacing. I thought that I knew how to perfectly trust God. Maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s more than just believing He will provide on His time table. What if my questions and doubts about closed doors are a question and doubt in my faith? Actually, I see now that it is. I think to myself, “so why a peek and even a step or two inside the room to just turn me away locking it up on my way out? I think I may understand later. I’d like to think that maybe these things are just something given so I will be able to have something to compare to God’s best.

God works in cool ways, doesn’t He!? JUST NOW while writing He showed me His timing is not an accident. My brother contacted me to consult about a certain situation. He had no idea I was in the middle of writing this. To be vague, Cody needed advice. Ironically, I found myself suggesting that maybe it wasn’t a good idea and word for word verbatim said “some things just won’t ever be the same. Good things and people are still bound to come your way though; Don’t give up!” Honestly my brother personally impacts my life in positive ways. He has come so far as a person, so enlightened and driven that I don’t think he could ever go back to old ways and habits. I am incredibly proud of the man he has become to be.

We wouldn’t tell our loved ones to keep beating a dead horse. If we loved ourselves enough, we wouldn’t do it either. … I don’t know, maybe that hits home for you. It does for me. I still wonder and mentally exhaust myself over the “whys?” When we reach a dead end on the road, we don’t keep driving. We turn around and find a different route. So why aren’t we easily apt to apply this concept to life situations and their “dead ends”? Maybe it’s attachment to the past and fear of not being in control, so we hold on. Or the fact that we care.

We fight for something that doesn’t want us and was never meant for us in the first place. And in doing so, we not only waste precious time, we destroy ourselves in waiting and in wanting. What a hindrance that is.

If we cling to comfort, we are indefinitely stagnant.

And So I’ve pondered on His word He gave me last week in Lamentations (3:25-33)

"God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The 'worst' is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If He works severely, He also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way." (from The Message)

My HOPE still stands. And if I continue to shake off what no longer serves to my purpose with a little more effort and faith, maybe HOPE will become a thing of the present instead of the future. I’ll begin to taste the sweetness of new beginnings.

Someone once said, “that the only thing you can be sure of is that everything will change.” I’m learning to have peace with that.

With much much love!

XO