He Remembers That We Are Dust (2019 Life Audit)

Part 1: It’s not only a Happy New Year, but it’s the beginning of a whole new decade! 

If anyone needs new beginnings, it’s ya girl right here.

Not that we need January 1^st as some sort of permission for us to finally relax our shoulders, to breathe a little deeper and pause a little longer, but it is a day that definitely serves as a reminder to be mindful and self-aware. To set our intentions on the things that really matter and to let go of what just simply doesn’t…the things that are beyond our own control and whatever else it is that keeps us bound from fulfilling our true purpose. We get one life.

One.

I have been a little reluctant in doing this. (Reflecting, commemorating, evaluating what worked and what absolutely did not work in 2019, setting new goals, dreaming new dreams, continuing to have faith for what I still hope for… just writing out my heart). For one, it takes time and energy and lately, going “deep” is just not exactly the way I would like to be spending it. But today (as completely cliché as it is) seemed most fitting, and I have been wanting to write a blog post for some time now.

I’ve also held off because I wanted to make sure I do it enough justice. I’ve feared that I would not be able to articulate well what the Lord has done the last half of 2019 before walking into 2020. I wanted to have the answers regarding what I just walked through… but I realize every time, that it doesn’t become exactly clear until I start processing with God in a purposeful set-aside time…putting pen to paper. As with any matters of the heart, we must get still.

Quiet the noise. Shut down the distractions. And get honest with ourselves before our Maker.

I journaled a little beforehand, and I realized too, that I have created some distance with my journal, because I feel that it sometimes keeps me stuck- that when I sit down to write, I only write what is out of pure habit. I don’t always acknowledge the actual “place”/ “season” that I am in (at least not in its entirety), but instead, I am susceptible to resort to a victim mentality. I forget to speak life into/ speak about the freedom I actually do have, as well as the spiritual riches the Lord has so graciously blessed me with. I have strayed from writing because it led to some cynicism. My spirit was following suit and it was just not healthy for me nor anyone around me. I don’t know who can relate, but I’m pretty sure repeated cycles of disappointment will try and turn just about anyone with good desires, hopes, and dreams, into a doubter. It will surely be your kryptonite if you refuse to focus on anything good in your life.

Our minds are incredibly powerful.

I mustn’t forget about the forward momentum God has helped me to sustain.

Sometimes the walk is baby step after baby step. Sometimes it looks like falling down and getting back up again. Sometimes, you turn and head south, but God won’t let you stay behind in times past for too long; though, He will let you find out for yourself that there is in fact nothing behind you that is greater than what is ahead of you.

No matter if your progress doesn’t look like much to people on the outside, what you and God have together is validation enough. You’ve got to be okay with your journey looking like its very own.

Because it is.

Unmatched.

And you are right on time with God. He restores the years the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25). You’ve just got to be patient enough to see it all come into fruition. Either on this side of heaven or in heaven- it’s a promise. If I have any advice concerning this, don’t try to figure out how or the way that He will. Just trust Him enough to blow you away.

Trust.

It’s His love language.

Sometimes it’s people who fail me. But 9 times out of 10 it’s usually my own expectations that lead to my own demise. My own vain imaginations as Paul terms it. And my poor communication (or lack thereof) before jumping to my own wishful conclusions.

It’s hard being a human. Sheesh. I can’t understand why the Tin Man ever wanted a heart again. But then again, I can (who doesn’t love a good romance). Life can bruise you. Feelings are real. Our imaginations can run incredibly wild. And it can become so confusing when it was God who made us with these things.

But I’m learning that He intended for them to be used for good. Our hearts have the potential to break and lead us astray, our feelings can lie to us, and our imaginations are finite. But our hearts also have the potential to love and be loved in return, our feelings can help us to become compassionate and feel empathy for others, and our imaginations can help us create beauty. Though pretty magnificent, we are still not awesome like our God. We have limitations, and these limitations should remind us to lean into the One who is strong where we are weak.

So, in 2020 I want to be intentional about what comes out of my mouth and what I write, too. Words matter. Your words matter- they have the power to build up or tear down. No matter the output/medium we choose, it’s important that we are speaking Truth. I don’t want to give up on being honest about how I feel, but in order to keep my joy, rather than haphazardly handing it over to the enemy, I need to be purposeful about speaking prophetically and calling out the gold (even if the fruit is not yet visible). That’s what faith is- to believe the things that ARE NOT as though they WERE.

Part 2: “Humans would rather be in a familiar pain than in an uncertain possibility.” (Big ooof)

I briefly scanned over the first entry in my latest journal. I wrote about my excitement over my internship; it was my first day and I loved everything about it- I was confident that the opportunity was an open door from the Lord. I had even started to consider case management that same day! It’s just wild to see the Lord’s hand in my life. Even when I screwed up and went and made life messy for myself and others, the Lord never left my side. He never gave up on me. In fact, He used it all. My impatience, my unwise choices, the consequences that ensued, my disappointment, anger and frustration, heartbreak, and my unhealthy means of coping… He used it to bring about some much-needed healing. Better yet, He loved me so well through it ALL. He knew of the baggage still left to be unpacked and He lovingly stayed- even when I was pulling away. I was hell-bent on leaving with the shame in hand. I believed that my baggage didn’t need any more T.L.C. I thought it had already received too much attention as it was – I just needed to go on and live now… stop bothering God with the same issue.

FALSE.

For the record- you’re never a bother to Him.

When I wanted to run away, He gave me an option that would be restorative and healthy. Because, to be completely honest, I wasn’t thinking “safe community” or “spiritual flourishment” … I was in the runaway-from-pain mindset. “Get me as far away from this mess as possible.” I pretty much wanted to dissociate from myself, pick up a new name and have a clean slate…to start a new life the quickest way I saw fit. (Run and hide- much like the first humans, Adam and Eve… apparently this isn’t anything new).

Because God foreknows everything before it ever happens, He had a good option in mind- I believe I did hear God when YWAM Kona, HI came across my path. The impeccable timing cannot be contributed to none other than Him. The same night I was having dinner with Mom, and I was telling her I was ready to move somewhere far from here, I received the message from the YWAM recruiter.

I don’t believe in coincidence. It’s just so clear to me that God is involved in my choices. My desires. My life.

Always coming up with BETTER.

And though YWAM wasn’t exactly the road I chose to take, I can now see that it wasn’t my one and only option. There are situations where there is clearly one of two options to make: the right one or the wrong one>>> fork left for destruction and disobedience or fork right for life and obedience. But this wasn’t an ultimatum. 

YWAM was just one of several different routes I could’ve taken to get to the same destination. God provided over half the funds for me to go through the help of some amazing, generous friends and family. He provided side work for me, too- which helped me pay my bills on time. A couple cleaning and pet sitting jobs kept me afloat- I am super thankful I had that! Mom felt led to shut the cleaning business down in August, but God had proven Himself faithful, once again, to provide my every need. (The pet sitting has seemed to boom since making it my side-business, but that came later). Did I do my part to earn more money to contribute to the expense for HI? No, I didn’t. I was coasting. I definitely could have, especially while that door had been made open for me. I truly believe HI would have been absolutely beautiful and amazing, no doubt.

I do think I was using that time (when the funds came to a standstill) to reflect and become honest about what I really wanted to do. The pause helped me to discern and get real – to acknowledge that there may be more I was trying to run away from…more than just the shame. I was subconsciously wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and a lie that I was unqualified for case management. All I have ever really “known” according to my resume is cleaning and working a job as a salon receptionist. I had school credentials to show for, but to actually apply what I had learned-yes, the fear of failure had completely stolen all of my confidence. I forgot that cleaning helped to develop my character in so many ways. I forgot that my job as a receptionist helped me with my social skills and customer service. What felt more real, though, was the anxiety over the unknowns and the habitual thought that I would not only fail myself but everyone else. I was dealing with a case of the “miss need to be perfect.” Except no one was putting that kind of pressure on me …but me. No bueno.

I was in and out of numbing my deep sadness from another hope deferred and the feelings of unworthiness with alcohol (majority of it in private) and I knew that was doing me no good. It was making me more depressed and more and more dependent on a substance rather than on the Life Giver Himself. Someone helped me to see that, and friends and family helped me so much through my own self-sabotaging.

The words I heard at my time in LA with Beauty Arise came circling back around gently asking: 

“How can you live in all this beauty and self-destruct?” …Yowza!

I’ll admit, I have been a self-righteous, typical first born, play by the book, rule-follower. Walking a good, moral, well-behaved path is beneficial – as it saves you a ton of trouble- but not if it’s at the expense of really falling in love with Jesus. Our God came to save sinners like me. The God who came, because He knew that in our humanity, we could never possibly get it right… never be perfect. When our propensity is towards sin and doubt, only a personal relationship with Him, filled with His Spirit, can we then walk with true power to overcome. We may fall several times over, but with Him- we can rise again. There’s a difference in abusing His grace and allowing His grace to help us walk in the new life He gives us. And that’s really just an individual heart issue. The Lord saw David’s heart. David knew and loved God. After all, God called him a man after His own heart, and He never once gave up on David- not after he committed adultery… not even after he committed murder.

God saw his heart, and David was remorseful and repenting. It’s clear in Psalm 51 that David acknowledged his sin and knew only God could make his heart right again. God’s grace is not an excuse to keep on sinning.

Realizing that the One who has all the power and really every right to wipe his hands clean of us but chooses not to, should soften our hearts and make us really want to change- not out of obligation, but out of a true desire.

Out of love.

And that’s why I believe God wants us to know Him over trying to get it all right, because His love is the only way to genuine transformation.

Love is the most powerful force in all creation. God is love.

Love conquers all!

It took me coming face-to-face with my own depravity to realize my own self-righteousness was just a façade. I needed HIM. I need Him every moment of every day. …morning by morning, new mercies I see.

He is too good.

…and when I thought I had burned bridges with the agency I had interned at over the summer, God was too good to encourage me that a “thank you” delayed is always better than no “thank you” at all. Not that I left on bad terms in August…it was just not at all how I imagined it to go. Because of what was going on in my personal life at that time, I just hoped to finish and finish well. At the current state I was in, I believe I was giving it my all and doing my best, considering. But only if I knew then what I know now…well, it would’ve been a breeze haha! It just doesn’t work that way, does it?

Months later, I saw a lady who worked for the agency while I was at the grocery store (she was the first person I contacted after my friend from high school presented the opportunity to me). I planned to pick up “Thank You” cards that day but was purposefully forgetting them. Sounds absurd, I know. And why? I felt a load of shame for not sending them as soon as my internship ended. I wanted to do so much for them in return as they had gone out of their way so often for me. As I let time slip away while I got wrapped up in my personal business, I let shame build on top of the guilt. “It would look so crazy to send them a card right now.” But that day especially, (…no coincidences, remember…) God reminded me that it wasn’t too late. I bought the cards that day- I went back to the card aisle after JUST passing it and sent them out soon thereafter. When I heard back from my friend, Amy, that they received the cards, she thanked me AND mentioned they were hiring if I was looking for FT work. She encouraged me to send in my resume. And then I heard from back from Michaela, who had been my supervisor, also thanking me and encouraging me to send in my resume. I was in awe. This is not at all what I had expected or intended to happen…

And yet the door had still been open, or re-opened, one.

Which terrified me.

I wasn’t all the way ready, per say, but I was for sure tired of being in the state I was in. I was fearful of change, along with the challenge of learning something new, of good but hard work- yet, these were all sure tale signs that I should GO FOR IT!

And Mom, my voice of reason…Susan, another sweet encourager and praying warrior who is always so giving of her time and ears (and during her gym time might I add)… along with a handful of others I shared the immediate news with… all said GO. You see, God is patient… and then other times there’s this sense of urgency He will put in your spirit when you know there’s a right opportunity you just cannot pass up. In those moments you just gotta trust Him- I’m learning that a leap in faith really is a true mark of a believer. It’s giving up our entitlement to know all things beforehand and our desire to be in control and letting God be God. I cannot tell you how much courage that takes from me to be out of control, but let me tell you how good that feels. I can be a kid, because I have a Daddy taking good care of me.

How else will we grow if we don’t take chances and risks?

Sometimes we just have to walk through the process of learning something so new, embrace the suck, “step into the arena,” and have faith for all that is unknown.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt, the Man in the Arena

So, I sent in my resume and was covered in prayer before my interview. Walking back into that office felt like home. The interview was so peaceful and encouraging. Who knew that all of this was just right around the bend? Not me. I felt so devastated and defeated… but I was also on the brink of something so amazing. I was offered a position as a case manager and started on December 2^nd. It has been a wonderful ride thus far and I have already learned a ton. I love the good work Families 4 Families does and admire the heart of their mission. I feel so honored to contribute if just even a small part in something so great.

Looking again at that same vision board is a husband and wife (Jesus in the middle-symbolized through a cross). And children, who I intentionally chose- who all look different from one another, because God (at 16 years old) gave me a heart for adoption. I just know -whether He is fulfilling that specific vision through the work I am doing now in foster care and adoption with a Christian based agency or whether it will be for my own personal life one day (or both!), God is blowing me away with how He is using my vision board still… 12 years later. For now, I am where I am supposed to be. I know that full well. How good of God to bring me back around full circle. How good of Him to not waste a single moment, either- even though I made some very poor choices. Not to excuse them, but they were made from a place of pain, and He saw that- So He decided to love them away.

Another confirmation I am reminded of were words spoken over me at my time with Beauty Arise. “Come and Go” (those words repeated over and over- the speaker didn’t receive any explanation, so I trusted God to reveal them to me when it was time)… believe me, I did my own guessing immediately since then. Did it mean as a crisis counselor I would have clients "coming and going?" That makes total sense… but now knowing what having kiddos on your own case load as a case manager is like, “come and go” makes a heck of a lot of sense. It can be heart-wrenching, even only after one month. I can’t imagine how our foster families must feel- who cannot help but form attachments with the children that come into their care. Again... it is good work, but hard work for us all. I love that I get to work alongside such amazing people!!

My support system is truly the best. I am surrounded by so much love, I don’t know how I could ever go a second forgetting that… On top of all the words of affirmation and prayers, almost every single individual/family that donated money towards the YWAM Kona, HI volunteering missions trip, would not let me return them their money. Instead, they gifted it to me.

If God didn’t want to keep me humble …

My gosh.

There is absolutely NOTHING I did to deserve this. Nothing I have is earned. NOTHING. God is way too good to me. And He loves me so well through the people He brings into my life- no matter how long they stay.

I am that prodigal daughter with a heart capable of wandering -especially at times of deep hurt and disappointment. Even after I blew it, He welcomed me back home. God threw a party. What kind of love is this?

I never feel like it’s ever a good time to wrap up these posts.

I hope it made some sense and explained any questions concerning what happened with HI and my sudden new job opportunity.

2019 was a wild roller coaster full of highs and lows and a variety of emotions. I graduated from college and earned my bachelor's degree. I celebrated friends getting married, friends becoming parents, I experienced deep disappointment and sadness, I embraced the crux of deep healing in an area that kept me bound in isolation and in fear of letting myself experience relationship again. I felt (if only for a little bit) what that could be like for me again and gained back my hope for finding love with someone. I felt my humanness, and it was so refreshing. I started a new job doing what I love. I saw and experienced God in a totally new way. I hiked some pretty amazing spots. I made new friends, and loss some along the way. But all in all, I learned and grew from every single bit of it. 

I also hope my story just helps you find God’s hand in your own life. I pray you learn His voice and develop a life of faith and courage. I hope you can learn from my mistakes and maybe make some of your own… if it means you finding Jesus. You probably won’t hear that in church.

But it’s true. Don’t strive for perfection. Just stay close to the Lover of your soul. He is the true vine- stay connected to Him. There will be many opportunities that come your way, but as long as you’re seeking the Lord, you really can’t go wrong. And if you do, I have the faith to believe that He just won’t let go of you. You might be one. But you matter just as much as the next person.

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it?” (Luke 15:4, NLT)

And it’s important to clarify (in regards to my previous post), God didn’t literally have to take me out far west to show me just how much my sins are forgiven. He did so right here at home and even sang it over me at a Casting Crowns worship night that my aunt and uncle invited me to. Just beautiful. You are loved my friends!! If He can forgive me, He can forgive you, too. He came to heal the sick and to save the lost.

And who knows…

Maybe there is something right around the bend.

“I’ve learned that his anger lasts for a moment, but His loving favor lasts a lifetime! We may weep through the night, but at daybreak it will turn into shouts of ecstatic joy.” (Psalm 30:5, TPT)

<3 <3 <3

With Much Love!!

XO, K

...as far as the east is from the west...

I start this post having just left a beautiful night of worship with Housefires and Bryan & Katie Torwalt at Grace Midtown. Being there brought back a swarm of memories: the initial encounters with the presence of Jesus, hearing and learning His Word, worshipping in a house full of broken, imperfect people just like me- so in love with God and on fire for Him. That’s been several years ago, and I wouldn’t trade those Atl drives and late Sunday nights for anything. I can look back on those times and remember the faithfulness of God, His patience as I was coming to understand Who He is and who I am as His daughter, the healing and all the work He was only just beginning in me.

…“being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

(That’s a promise that will give you Hope when you feel like a failure.)

Tonight, I didn’t want to wear a mask. I wanted to either stay numb and stone-cold or feel every single emotion I was feeling…I wanted to be real with where I was at and not front some other churchy face. I sat there, but joy is infectious, and it wasn’t long before I, too, was overtaken and onto making friends with discipleship students from Minnesota I had asked to sit beside (how strategic of God that He would place me next to them…we will get to that later).

I haven’t stepped foot into a church since February; however, I’ve been face-to-face, no doubt with the Church- whether that be in a car ride with a co-worker in between client’s homes, over conversations at the gym, at my internship, late night chats curled up on a best friend’s couch, standing around the kitchen island with my own family, outside a bar having had too much to drink…yes, even still. There have been very special conversations over dinner and the phone with strong, trusted and supportive friends who let me share my deepest, darkest insecurities and most painful parts of my story. I was met with nothing but genuine empathy, love, grace, and compassion. Most of all- TRUTH. I don’t know why God has blessed me with these humans- not one has shamed me, said I was unredeemable or that what I was still carrying around like utter, useless baggage defined me. I’m finally worn out from holding onto that said luggage. It’s not the easy yoke and light burden found in Scripture that Jesus promises us- the kind of rest for our souls. Shame has obviously been something I still find hard to let go of. I’ve been keeping it tucked away, down in the basement of my heart. 

Stuff. Mostly messy stuff will trigger us and our trauma. Our battle scars. Our shame. Life experiences and even our own mistakes will resurface the pain. Whether we’ve kept it hidden away for years, numbed it, coped, haven’t fully given it over to the arms of Grace…or…maybe just maybe, it comes to poke at us again because healing comes in waves. I believe God, our Wonderful Counselor can heal instantaneously. I very much believe in miracles and wonders and breakthrough in one sudden moment…but in much of my own personal experiences, He has chosen to work over time, through many many many sessions- not just the ones I’ve scheduled when life is going good- when journaling, studying, praying, loving God and loving others is easy to do. No, it’s when life gets real sticky. And dark. And tempts me to hang my head low. Disappointment leads to despondency, and eventually to depression if we let it>>> especially when your pain is cyclical and feels like each time the blow hits, there’s no beauty in return for your ashes…just more ashes. When I’m faced with it in a serious fashion, I can either escape into the abyss, drown it with alcohol, the gym, resorting to my EDs, running to other means of acceptance and love, etcetera… and ignore it until next time, OR I can do the hard thing and embrace what’s being handed to me.

I used to welcome pain and healing like the INFJ, Enneagram 4 that I am. I would walk straight into it- head on- because I was made to feel deep and could stay in that space longer than most (so I’ve come to learn). I was obsessed with uprooting lies I had believed over the course of my life. I was fixated on conquering all of my internal battles like it was my only job.

But, I eventually had enough of that season and needed to be reminded of sunshine. Of laughter. Of dancing, singing, playing, running carefree. I believe there is a time for everything, just as Scripture teaches us in Ecclesiastes 3

“a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (v.4)

Maybe this time, which I have recently found myself in, is a new depth of healing God had long ago planned for me. In His timing, because only He knows what we can actually bear and when that is for each of us specifically. Only He knows how to do it right. And yet, I still try to overcome in my own efforts. Self-reflection begs the question “Why?” (Why do I feel like I need to be in charge of this?) I got myself into this, no need to burden God. (That seems noble) But the honest truth goes a little deeper and reveals my wrong beliefs about God: Can I really trust Him? Does God really know how to surprise me and exceed my wildest dreams? Maybe He wants boring for me, so I have this thorn in my flesh as punishment and a blockade for the deep desires I pray and hope will one day come to pass. So, it makes sense that He wouldn’t heal me…this a consequence for my sin.

Oh man. 

Eye opening.

And then I heard this while listening to the latest sermon at Elevation Church

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhYA8aOFdT4)

Pastor Steven Furtick says:

“We think it’s our job to suffer... you know, suffering for Christ and for the good of others is one thing, and so is sacrifice. But to suffer the shame that He already took from you is to snatch back what He nailed to the cross. It is not your job to suffer like that. That’s BS (a Broken System). I’m telling you men and women of the Most High God, religion is a broken system. That’s why Jesus went after the one to show you this is about relationship. ‘I want to deal with you one-on-one…I want to speak to you like you’re a person, not like some kind of project. Not like you’re some kind of defect.’”

GRACE.

And though I have encountered it like a waterfall, I can so quickly forget to lean in when I stumble. I can feel so undeserving. And even more so when others are affected by my poor choices. I want to self-destruct again because there isn’t anything I can give away to right my wrongs; therefore, I can easily believe that taking full blame is what I am owed, which inevitably tempts me to repeat old cycles and fall into old behavior.

Though grace is not an excuse to keep on sinning (ref. Romans 6), God knows our hearts. He knows a heart that loves Him and desires to do His will. And He completed His mission on the cross knowing our past, present, and future sins. He is the ultimate sacrifice; it’s why He came AND followed through. For us.

“though [s]he may stumble, [s]he will not fall, for the Lord upholds her/him with His hand.” (Psalm 37:27)

God IS in fact continuing the healing process in me and bringing breakthrough in unforeseen ways. He’s using my stumbling and bad decisions for my good and His glory. This is crazy love. I cannot comprehend it.

More than just taking away the shame and healing my pain, He is healing my desires and healing my will to want Him again and HIS plan for my life.

Which brings me to my next story:

As many of you know (because you helped make it all possible), I had the most amazing, life-changing experience while participating in a Discipleship Training School at YWAM Los Angeles in 2017. I was able to devote 6 whole months to learning about God and the Bible. I met many amazing sisters-for-life-on-into-eternity. I traveled to Ensenada, France and Greece. I got to love on strangers and tell them about the Love of Jesus. I came back with my heart broken over specific injustices I saw that undoubtedly break God’s heart all the more. I had seen trauma in a whole new dimension, and I was “ready” for the call of Isaiah 61.

The Lord spoke specifically about what I was to do next after YWAM and confirmed it three separate times from three different people. One guy happened to be Buddhist; we had the opportunity as a school to work backstage at LA Fashion week, and I met him randomly during the event. We chatted a bit and he mentioned if counseling was something I had ever considered as a career. Funny you say that, I thought. 

And to top it all off, one of the ministries we got to serve on outreach was Neo Zoi in Athens, Greece. (They reach out to women and men working in prostitution in Athens. They offer hope, assistance, support and alternatives, desiring to see men and women empowered by God for a new life). God highlighted the trauma counselor on their team, and I had a brief opportunity to chat with her along with one of my friends while folding baby clothes in their donation boutique. 

So, I knew what I had to do when I came back home. But before, I chose (through much wrestling) to deny two wonderful opportunities to staff and lead the next Beauty Arise DTS or Justice 180 DTS. That was a hard decision to walk away from, but I couldn’t get over what God was speaking to me. I came back in June and applied to the school that had been on my heart a couple years before leaving for YWAM… Liberty University. I have since completed my bachelor’s degree in psychology with a specialization in crisis counseling along with the internship hours as of August 16^th. This is a time I should be celebrating and anticipating my career, but the desire has so suddenly laid dormant. I had become ecstatic about sending in my resume at my internship site after my supervisor had asked me to do so. And then I was blindsided. I told her I wasn’t hesitant because I was unsure, but that I may need time away once the internship was completed. The blow had hit at an insignificant time. (But really, when is it an opportune time for the past to come busting through the door?) In the back of my mind, I was thinking a weekend trip to Tybee Island or a few days with my friend in Puerto Rico… maybe a couple days spent hiking would bring a breath of fresh air.

I just finished a book about the sovereignty and providence of God. I learned a lot about this part of His character and nature, and I’m going to believe He has a plan and purpose in all of this.

I was having dinner with my mom one night, and we were dreaming together. I shared with her about the thought of one day moving out of Georgia (not as a means of escape, because I know that “wherever you go, there you are”…you can’t run from your problems- not for long, anyway). I want to be in a different environment- a place that better suits a lifestyle I desire…etc. Some of these dreams were selfish- that is understood. But I do see that God was listening. He has always been listening. 

That same night, I came home and received a Facebook message from a YWAM Ships recruiter in Kona, Hawai’i in need of different roles on the base to be filled. I asked for her to please send me more information. I was honest about what I felt God had called me to, how I said no to staffing opportunities at YWAM, LA. For some reason, I thought that would end our conversation and she wouldn’t continue pursuing; however, she was interested in finding other ways I could use what I’ve learned in my studies and opportunities that better fit my passion specifically. I continued following up (by inquiring more details about the base and what visitation and volunteer positions looked like). Eventually we had a phone conversation and at the end, she prayed over me. It was simple, but so profound. God was all over the conversation and it was like His presence was so tangible in that moment. I knew that He hadn’t left me.

“…He will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

I was sold pretty quickly. I don’t know what the Lord has for me there, but I know that this is a God opportunity I cannot deny. The timing seems odd and even unrealistic, but I’m choosing to trust Him.

I have since received His confirmation. The very next day after the recruiter’s initial message, I happened to be scrolling through my feed on Facebook and saw one of my leaders from YWAM LA had posted that he and his family moved to YWAM Ships Kona, HI. What are the odds? He was our pastor on outreach and so much healing came through His message on the Father Heart of God during lecture phase. I reached out to him for prayer and of course he had to show me the view of the beach from the base, too. If that didn’t pull at my heart strings enough, God spoke to me one night while I was laying in my bed. I was thinking (praying, really) “This is really crazy, God. Is this opportunity really from You or am I being selfish because of this mess I am in? Shouldn’t I be more concerned about case management work- You know I love that too.” He stopped me and recalled the vision board I had made when I was sixteen years old. Because He had used it and fulfilled many of those dreams just on my short 6-month trip, I decided to hang it up in my room as remembrance of His faithfulness to me, and that there was still so much more to come in this life and in eternity. I was tired, and honestly fell asleep after He brought that to my mind. I guess His answer brought a true peace for me to be able to sleep. I woke up the next morning and went over to my vision board.

This is what I saw.

(It may be hard to read the words on the “cruise ship,” but it says: PRIDE OF HAWAI’I). It was clear to me. Even though it didn’t say: YWAM Ships Kona, HI., I was astounded by God, yet again. He was using this vision board from 11 years ago to speak to me.

Here is the vision board in its entirety if you were curious:

I was, of course, curious to know how the recruiter found me. She said she came across my first GoFundMe page, and the passion behind it moved her to see if I had a Facebook profile so she could message me. I obviously went back to re-read it. And it made me sad in some sense because I feel like I have somewhat lost touch with that girl. But also stirred to find her again.

(https://www.gofundme.com/2aekq29g) <<< I provided the link if you’re curious about that adventure and how God provided more than enough for me financially. There is also a link within that page to the blogpost I made about God’s guidance during that season.

This time, I truly believe the Lord is taking me even further West to really make personal for me His words:

“The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
    nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
    he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
    is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
    as the east is from the west.” (Psalm 103:8-12)

Okay, just read all of Psalm 103 while you’re at it!

As of late, I feel called to volunteer at the base for one month (serving the staff, students, base needs, etc. through all kinds of different duties). I have been encouraged to start another GoFundMe pg to allow others to participate in this journey and the mission of YWAM. This opportunity will give me a taste of the community/schedule there if He were to call me long-term. Your support (whether that is financially, through much needed prayer, or both) IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED.

Here is the link to the GoFundMe if you would like to donate. <3
(https://www.gofundme.com/f/KalynnsYWAMShipsKona)

If you’re reading this, you’re probably going through some deep internal battles of your own. Don’t think you have to stay afloat and fight this alone. Pain is pain is pain is pain, and I don’t think it’s healthy nor beneficial to measure or level yours against another’s, either. You’re worthy of rest. You’re worthy of redemption and resurrection. God has not given up on you!

“ For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.” (Ephesians 2:10)

Remember friend, the Lord has a book written for you. Just you. All the things He planned for your life are written in it. He really does have good in store- unique ways you would impact the Kingdom in His name. You have something so special to offer, and I hope you know you are worthy of that call. It doesn’t matter how bad you THINK you’ve blown it; I can assure you- you haven’t. Stop hiding. Stand back up again and don’t give up. The breath He gives you each day is evidence that your life still has a purpose. NO MATTER WHAT. 

Time to drop the baggage and rest in the arms of Grace.

“So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced that His love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken His love. There is no power above us or beneath us—no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!” (Romans 8:38-39).



With Love,
K

#PlotTwist!

Am I going to Believe God?

I shouldn’t have to understand what God is doing to be obedient to Him. Trust is much easier in our own strength if we have all the details laid out. It takes all the more faith AND leaning on Christ to remain confident through the unknowns.

 “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord.” (Isaiah 55:8)

His promise as Emmanuel is so secure and true that we can trust Him. Wherever we go, He is with us. When plans don’t go like I had hoped or envisioned, I can remain strong and of good courage instead of afraid and dismayed.

“A man’s heart plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

“There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel-that will stand.” (Proverbs 19:21)

Hashtag “PLOT TWIST”

As many of you know, my flight was scheduled to leave early this morning from ATL and I was to arrive in California early this afternoon. Yesterday morning, I was cleaning our client’s kitchen as I overheard them listening to the news down the hall in the living room. The weather reporters encouraged travelers to keep up to date with their flight schedules due to the predicted ice/snow for Friday night on into Saturday morning; flights may be delayed. I knew about these expected conditions earlier in the week, but didn’t actually think it would take any affect. Even though we live in the south, I believe all Georgians deep down love a good snow. We show stress as we clear the bread aisle with as many gallons and cartoons of milk our arms can hold (because no body got time for carts, we ain’t fixin to be stuck on the roads.) With our history of some pro-longed ice storms though, I do understand the preparation… I’m just trying to make light. There is something child-like still in us all, whether we want to admit it or not, and behind most of our hurrying around is also a Christmas morning excitement when receiving such news. …Don’t kid yourself. (pun intended)

I peeked my head into the room, hoping not to interrupt. The wife had one of her friends over- who also is a dear client- as their husbands ran errands together. They knew about my leaving, so I asked them their thoughts. Just as everyone else, they weren’t exactly sure what the weather would do, but full of compassion and genuine care, they encouraged me to call the airlines and/or keep posted online as they sincerely told me they would be praying. Mrs. Ann, so kind, found me not longer after with her phone pulled up to check the status of my flight. Although there were some technical difficulties, I knew what to do as soon as I had a break afterwards. We finished our first home, and I left feeling loved on as they hugged and told me many times that they would keep me in prayer. Older in their age and wisdom, it was evident they truly understood the meaning of life. How precious…how special each moment is…what’s really important and what’s really not. What a warm “goodbye for now.”

I’m riding in the back seat on the way to our next home, which I know is much bigger and takes more time to clean. I remember mom telling me that she should drop me off at the airport that night instead of this morning, so there wouldn’t be in complications with her getting stuck or being put in a dangerous position on her way home. Then, I start to think about all the last minute finalizations I needed to make and the packing I still needed to do. I wasn’t stressing necessarily, but I was scheduling out in my brain how I was going to do everything I wanted/needed to do before then. Next, I pull up my flight status but I must have put in the wrong flight number or chose the wrong date because it wasn’t matching my itinerary. We are pulling into the drive-way of our client’s home, so I clicked the lock button and set my phone down. I would figure all this out once my head was clear and I was able to focus. It turned out that we weren’t able to get in their home. Even though it was money lost, it did- selfishly- alleviate some stress on my end. We got back to the office and I left after some more hugs and “goodbyes for now” to make some last minute returns. With more time on my hands, I could even get a workout in before freezing my account and yes, I also squeezed in a visit to the salon for a manicure. “What a girl wants, what a girl needs, whatever makes me happy…” (90s music, you my boo.)

At both places, the television was turned to the news where I heard about the Ft. Lauderdale airport shooting. Awful and heartbreaking. Instead of making this about me by becoming paralyzed with fear, I tried to put myself in the shoes of those whose loved ones were just killed. Truthfully, I never questioned all that was happening as signs that I should not be going. God has already been so faithful in answering our prayers and providing the funds for YWAM. He made it all possible! I would be lying if I said I wasn’t at all afraid. Though very much excited for this new journey to begin, I have been anxious about what is in store. To name a few: how much will this reveal my brokenness? will I feel alone? and then there is the fear of dying so soon. I wrestle with that one; although I am fully confident of where I am going, I still have hopes and dreams for the little bit of time we have here; I still want to see more of Heaven on earth and people come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. There’s still so much to be done!

The Lord has been so gracious and so loving.

It’s not everyday you find a California tag in the state of Georgia, but He put quite a few in front of me along Hwy 78 (not one car being the same). It comforted me while I was making my decision to apply for YWAM LA and also served as confirmation a couple times after being accepted. The months following, when the fear of dying young heavily presented itself again and again, I would walk out to find cars parked beside me with a front license plate from CA (again, all different vehicles). I tried to articulate this before, but it didn’t seem to register for those I told. Lord, help me as I try again.

So typically people who move from one state to another, put their old license plate on the front and the new one obviously on the back. In my spirit, I believed God was telling me He’s making a temporary home for me out in LA and overseas, but I will be coming back home (specified GA…not Heaven). I’m not taking a car there, so I won’t need a license plate, but imagine with me in the supernatural and not the natural. We are the temple of the Holy Spirit and so His home is in us. Where we go, there He is also.

I do not know what God will call me to next; in faith, I am believing there is more after these next 5 months.

As I am driving home to shower and pack, I’m in bumper to bumper traffic on 124 and the cold rain is falling. I’m listening to 104.7 “The Fish” and Beth Bacall reads a quote by S.D. Gordon: “The great people of the earth today are the people who pray. I do not mean those who talk about prayer, nor those who can explain about prayer, but I mean those people who take time and pray…” In reference to the Ft. Lauderdale airport shooting, she was encouraging us to pray for the families, to pray for all those involved and affected by this tragedy.  THEN, she played “In the Eye of the Storm” by: Ryan Stevenson. Both quote and song not only stopped me in my “blues,” but led me to lift them all up to the Lord. It led me to speak LIFE into my fears. It led me to fix my thoughts on the promises of God instead of wishing for an itinerary of my life. As new creations, we should be in the process of transformation by the renewing of our minds. We aren’t guaranteed a life delivered of fear, but we learn to run quicker to the Word of God when faced with opposition. When we get His Word inside us, it becomes part of our thinking. It changes how we act. Oh, don’t we all want more and more? His Word is the Bread of Life. It is nourishment to our souls. It feeds us and strengthens us in supernatural ways! Oh, don’t we want more! I am so thankful for Jesus- He is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the Word that became flesh. I am so thankful for His Holy Spirit. {Emmanuel}. He is with us wherever we go! I am so thankful for our Heavenly Father who has given us the gift of His Holy Spirit! GOD IS AWESOME!

In regards to prayer, I was reminded of a phone conversation I had with a guy working with Compassion Ministries earlier this week. The young man was helping me with some questions and casually asked about my day. I usually don’t go into detail, but felt compelled to briefly share more than “it’s good, and yours?” As it kind of just flowed out of my mouth, I was literally beside myself. I told him that I was running around finishing up things before I leave for YWAM on Saturday. It opened the conversation for total encouragement. He had a couple friends who either were apart of YWAM or had met YWAMers on a separate mission’s trip. Either way, he explained that he had heard amazing things and knew it would be life changing for me! He then said he would love to pray over me before we got off the phone if I was okay with that. WOW! Well, yes! Of course! I did not know this guy, but knew he was in fact a brother in Christ. God poured out his love and I went about my day energized even more so. Prayer.

That day before (I think it was) I was in a book store looking for a small bible to purchase for outreach. The owner and I talked about her business as she was fairly new in her establishment and then about YWAM (apparently I can’t help myself.) Even though my head was so foggy from all the running around and lack of sugar, she didn’t mind that I was below-par. Numerous times I asked her if she had something and it would be right in front of my face. I mean there were several more common sense questions I asked that I could have answered, but she took it in stride. My point, though… At checkout, I noticed a prayer request book laying on the counter. I thought twice about it since I was sure she was over “baby-sitting” me, (haha) but I knew I would regret such an opportunity. I wrote down a prayer request for us all at YWAM and those God puts in our realm of influence. I walked away so glad that I did. 

So prayer, I’m learning -all the more- is powerful.

“It releases our eternal resources.

Not only is it the only way in which we communicate with God, but also the divinely authorized method by which we grab hold of Christ and gain access to His promises, power and victory.” –Pricilla Shirer

After getting home yesterday, I laid stretched out across my dad’s bed. (Mine was topped with all that was laid out to go in my suitcase.) I’m on the phone with my mom weighing out what to do about my flight. Although it was showing “on schedule,” when I continued to check the status, it was under inclement weather- I could change it having all fees waived. However, I would not be arriving to the YWAM base on the first day if I did. I was sad to think I would be missing all the excitement. Mom, of course, encouraged me to change it. It wasn’t worth risking, and the chances of it leaving in the morning was slim-to-none, anyway*. I got off the phone bummed and hung my head over the bed. Soon thereafter, my phone vibrated…a family friend texted me. She knew about my dilemma and said she was praying for God to help me and show me what choice I should make. Praying. “Oh Lord, I’m sorry. I didn’t take this to you. Not intentionally at least. Forgive me, Lord. I want what you want and You know what is best.” I looked up and saw this scripture from Proverbs 3 and Matthew 19 on the side of the bed.Trust in the Lord WITH ALL YOUR HEART and lean not on your own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths…{with God} ALL THINGS are possible.

It couldn’t be more perfect.

I knew it was going to come to changing my flight, but I hadn’t had a peace until after I prayed. My brother even gave me sound advice as he helped shine another perspective. When my dad came home from work I was sitting on my floor on hold with the airlines. He also had a positive outlook and shared godly wisdom! And this “plaque” with the same scripture was above us. 

{{{Hallelujah God is doing a work in my family! Thank You, Lord!}}}

So, I was going to arrive to LA later than I had hoped. Things would be different…not as I had thought or planned, but the power of peace was so incredible that I was completely okay and hopeful regardless of the changes. His peace gave me patience as I sat on hold for 15 with the airline’s representative. His peace calmed my worries and anxieties. His peace helped me have a whole new perspective!

I was now given more time to spend with my family before I left. I had more time to condense my things so that I only needed to check-in one bag. I had more time to recollect my truest intentions for YWAM amidst all the fears that tried to steal that away. I’ve been able to focus all because of God’s peace and His sovereignty. I could sit here all day and try to guess what God’s will and purpose was. There are many many many many things that He knows that are not for us to know. What if this was His protection? I began to study those verses in Proverbs that I quoted at the beginning of this post, the Lord led me to Old Testament stories where godly men faced opposition from their enemies and God brought their plot to nothing. Just amazing to know He is Lord Almighty !!!! The LION and the Lamb. For who could stop Him? There is no one.

“The Lord shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.” (Psalm 121:7-8)

One thing I do know, and I am SO thankful my mother brought it to my attention is that there was so much apprehension about going to YWAM, and now I absolutely can’t wait! When faced with the option to compromise, He gave me a greater strength to press forward. So, do be encouraged. Fear is real. But let us make our faith bigger as we move FORWARD like a child ;-] Be still in your spirit and the Lord will fight for you! Watch as your mountains MOVE as He honors your choice to move forth in faith! We don’t have to pay mind to our enemies when we know God is Alpha and Omega. He’s got us in the palm of His hand. YES and AMEN!

If I haven't emphasized prayer enough, here's more! ;-]

"Our praying needs to be pressed and pursued with an energy that never tires, a persistency which will not be denied, and a courage that never fails." -E.M. Bounds

*What would have been my morning flight today- was delayed 11 hours. Thank you all who encouraged me to change it. I actually love airports, but this extra time at home has been pretty sweet.

I hope to update you all very soon! Thank you for your gracious amount of prayers, continued support, and heartfelt encouraging messages today as I embark on this new adventure with Christ!

*Hugs* as Jesus spurs you on into love and victory!

<3, K

Contemplative Prayer: Listening for the Father's Heart

I've probably *heard about* contemplative prayer a lot of times before the message at church yesterday, but the idea of it didn't necessarily resonate until then. There was a definite nudge as my spirit hit "Ctrl B" before receiving these words. (Side note: He will bolden/highlight things we hear from others-i.e. our leaders, friends, family, favorite authors and speakers, strangers, etc. I'm learning that if sometimes we only take away a few sentences- or words, even- not to become frustrated because we can't recall a whole sermon or conversation, but to see what we do remember as *PRESENTly valuable* and worth further investing our time into. As long as you are pressing in, He will remind you of things He has told you when you need to remember. -Ref. John 14:26) 

Whilst fidgeting- switching my crossed legs one over the other- yesterday morning, I knew God was leading me to take a rooftop moment like Peter had in Acts. The "what" and "how" were not clear, but I knew I would come to find out. I needed to be honest with God in every thing and then just listen for His voice.

Confession: 

I grabbed my Bible and journal (and cup of joe) to bring with me out on my friend's back deck (my rooftop substitute-lest I break any bone(s)) I had intentions to hear from the Lord, yes...however, mainly just concerning myself (how it could bless me and spur me on). While there is a place for personal encouragement, I knew there was far MORE on the Father's heart than for tailor made prayer only to suit my individual needs. Yet, in His grace, He reveled something so beautiful & humbling about my unique journey, and in reverence and awe... how could I not further seek His heart for humanity? 

I'll share first what He gave me about my own walk. Many a time, but more-so recently, I've been incredibly hard on myself. "What good have I really done?...like what eternal impact have I even made? I want to be a bold and fearless vessel used by You, yet I have walked away from so many conversations, Lord & how did I not tell them about Your Good News?"

I was reminded that in all of my 23 years before knowing Jesus, God STILL pursued me. Therefore, His character is that of patience. & it's revealed allllllll throughout scripture! And since He is so, I need not be in a hurry to finish the race having done what the *world* may deem as "tremendous ministry." Notice I didn't say what the Church considers. We need not be in competition with one another. Brothers and sisters, we should be encouraging one another to become more like our Jesus, thus winning souls for His glory. 

Being reminded of all He has done with my "old-but-becoming-new" heart 💔➡️❤️in my new self, helped me to have a newfound *thankfulness* for the wilderness season that I'm still journeying through. 

"I fed you with milk and not with solid food; for until now you were not able to receive it, and even now you are still not able." (1 Cor. 3:2)

The wilderness, in its entirety, has proven itself beautiful even with its mountain peaks 🗻and valley lows🏞. Yet, "there are treasures to be found in the valley🌈." (Aaron Keyes) And thats why I believe the wilderness is so special. I especially don't want to skip over the hard times. When I first said "yes" to God, He used two ladies to pray prophetically over me, thus encouraging me at the very start of my journey. These women had no specifics to go off...I only approached her with the simple request "will you pray for me?" However, what came next was not simple; it was profound. My spirit wept. He told me to enjoy this closeness with Him. To abide. To remain. And to know I have been forgiven fully and completely. The journey has been exactly that: "even with its bends on the way, I know it's still going somewhere good." (Matt Reynolds, et al) 

*I'll never forget God leading me to Grace Midtown right around this same time I was learning about my walk with Jesus. The series was titled "Journey." (Imagine that. Haha.) Anyway, the Lord used the message as confirmation for everything He had already started. It was so comforting! I'm incredibly thankful for that time!*

I'm only still a babe in Christ, and glory to Him for what wisdom He has given and the wisdom He will continue to give. Glory to Him for delivering my soul up out of Sheol- the place I was making my bed. For lifting my head up. Glory to Him for showing me my quick reactions to fear, anger, and offense and helping me unlearn their habitual patterns. For helping me trash my bad attitude and pessimistic outlook by giving me His gifts of peace, hope and joy. For helping to rid me of my strong-willed, self-consuming schedule...one of striving and selfishness to instead, follow Him. (BECAUSE HE MEETS US WHERE WE ARE, IT'S RIGHT THERE -AND NOT ONE STEP AHEAD-THAT HE BEGINS OUR TRANSFORMATION PROCESS. --Remember it's GRACE that saved us and it's GRACE that changes us.--Stay in your place on the race. The space from who you are and who you're {becoming} is full of His grace. Don't look to the right or to the left, but keep your eyes fixed. *anddd that's a w(rap)*) 

Glory to Him for delivering me from a spirit of shallowness- to see hearts and not physical bodies. Thank You, Lord! Glory to Him for giving me an enjoyable job that humbles me. For being able to work with my hands every day while learning more about God and finding Him in the said "lowly tasks." Glory to Him for helping me have courage to go into my deepest pain, brokenness, and darkness -in faith that He would be right there with me to forgive, mend, heal and RESTORE. For making me brave enough to step into unknown waters and into unfamiliar territory. For experiencing resistance and let down, which only pushes me closer to Him. Bill Johnson says, "if we are not having any resistance in life, there is a good chance we are going in the same direction the devil is going."(Resistance, therefore, seems like a key indicator that we have not forsaken Christ by trekking backwards...so, moving forward means the work of Satan will come up against us. So unless there's no opposition because you've moved further away from your Friend, Comforter and Guide- "do not be afraid...He that is in you is greater than he who is in the world!") ***If your success is not from the Almighty, DO become aware that it is fleeting and will wither and fade. Furthermore, Romans 1 warns us that because of our free will to choose, He hands us over to our vile passions as a form of His wrath. In other words, He lets people chase what they want over and above Himself. If you've tasted and seen His goodness & lovingkindness, you know NOTHING is better than being in communion with Him. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth..." Success in the eyes of the Father looks different than what the world perceives as flourishing. 

"DO be careful how you define success. What you may actually be looking at is the outpouring of God's wrath on a man/woman's life...Be careful how you judge your life; successes and failures not marked by external realities but rather a hope-filled faith, step-by-step obedience to Jesus Christ." (Matt Chandler)***

Glory to God for helping me see the real enemy and making me aware of the spiritual war that is raging around us. For His confirmation... His Word and His peace, even when His plan looks incredibly backwards and misunderstood by many. "He is not the Author of confusion."

Thanks be to God for helping me be more quick to forgive by letting go of all offense and its ugly fruit: bitterness, resentment and self pity. To instead be quickened to love because I know the price Jesus paid on the cross was for me AND for "them." And for showing me what love really is. For changing my dangerous and worldly reasons for marriage into deeply rooted, godly desires. For Heaven's perspective on covenant relationship, lest I become another statistic in the divorce rate. For giving me His strength in refusing to settle. For patience to work through anger and buried wounds from my parents' brokenness. For GRACE to walk through my past and the rebellious choices I have made because of the pain. For completely undoing, and delivering me from a lustful, manipulative, and seductive spirit. HALLELUJAH! Thank you, Jesus!

For godly reasons in having children. His heart's desires for family and the dynamic of each relationship- in which the purpose is to reflect Christ and His Bride, the Father and His children. Pointing me, also, always back to Him. What a beautiful design! To raise world changers, kingdom builders and winners of souls. To love on and instill them with Truth.

...But even if that is not His will for me,

I have found the One whom my soul loves. And He is more than enough! Every thing I will ever need is found in Him! And only He can fill us to overflowing! His grace is sufficient in ALL things!

*I am convinced that we should always take these good and holy desires to Him. As we lay them down and put them in God's hands, He is faithful to give and take away as He knows best! "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:3&4) I encourage my single friends who are remaining steadfast in your season, to always tell God what is on your heart. Intercede for your future husband or future wife if the desires do not go away. Yes, even if you have not yet met. In the same breath, rejoice and be content with what He has given you today. Continue {becoming} that person for someone else!* "Waiting is a sustained effort to stay focused on God through prayer and belief." (Max Lucado)

Glory to God for helping me have a deep longing to be with Him every day and to love Him with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind!! Glory to God who is helping me love myself better, because in my Father's eyes I am precious. Denying my worth is hurtful to my Maker. ...Imagine spending years writing a book and when it was published, your audience raved about the creative story! However, the book had opinions of its own and found itself to be ordinary and a disgrace to the book race, no longer wanting to be copied, sold, and shared. In fact, it hid away from anyone to see. Even its artist. It not only disliked its story but the cover...oh, the cover! "How dare you choose me with this appearance! And why didn't you make a stronger summary?" How might you feel if that was your work? I suppose our Creator feels the same way about us when we refuse to view ourself with confident belief that He chose us, created us in His image, and gave us life {for such a time as this!}And that's absolutely beautiful!...Thanks be to God for choosing me. For His grace when I chose Him back. For making me alive in Christ and giving me an identity and purpose as a daughter of the Most High.

Glory be to God who is showing me that the words of Psalm 139:13-16, He wove into my DNA. I will praise Him!

Glory to Him as He continues to shine a light on the world around me. On those who look different than me...who have different interests, backgrounds, and stories. By resisting His will to meet others outside of our said "comfortable," we not only limit our ability to encounter the Father in His fullness by learning His different facets, but we rob the world of something special and also God of His glory. There is something unique about Him that's in you for the world to see."Made in His image."

The song "Build my Life" by Housefires came to mind as I was in contemplative prayer. Specifically the lines: "open my eyes in wonder & show me who You are & fill me with Your heart & lead me in Your love to those around me."

While the majority of the song reminded me of my journey in the wilderness...unlearning lies about God and about myself by building a firm foundation on Jesus...I keep clinging to those lines "fill me with Your heart & lead me in Your love to those around me."

This is the Father's heart isn't it?

To love those around us.

There are cultural barriers we face at work.

There are racial divides at school.

There are all kinds of tensions in our day-to-day because of deep wounds we have caused one another in history's past. None of it was from the Father. None of it was from Him. He is good. He is love. He is commUNITY in of Himself (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). Humanity is hurting. Humanity needs the Church to be radical in the way we love one another.💞❤️💚💙💓💛❣️ We need to step over/rip through these said "barriers" and "divides" especially inside the Body. We need to grab our brothers and sisters by the hands and stand united. ✌🏾✌🏼✌🏿✌🏼And together, we need to meet the lost and hopeless in the trenches and look at them in the eyes. We need to look at them in the eyes. With the eyes of Jesus. Something happens when you look at them in the eyes with Love.👁👁🔥🔥❤️❤️

Why is he/she angry?

Why does he/she feel discriminated against?

Why can't he/she smile back?

Why is he/she on the streets?

Why is he/she selling their body for money?

Why does he/she have an eating disorder?

Why is he/she an alcoholic?

Why?

We need to get in the trenches with them.

I am all too guilty of being a hearer of the Word👂🏼and not a doer of the Word🏃🏽‍♀️. Of carrying a burden for the minorities, mistreated, misunderstood, and "least of these," however, while never reaching out.👐🏼Of carrying a burden for the lost, but not seeing it through. Mostly, by a lack of courage and confidence, of not feeling equipped...of fear.

"What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,' but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." (James 2:14-17)

But after a good message yesterday and my own rooftop with God, I felt compelled to share. Even in the wilderness, growing in the "fundamentals" of what it means to be a Christ follower, we are still walking and moving. We are not stagnant. We have a strong tower to run to, but we are not "hidden." God doesn't cover our eyes so we can't see what's happening. Instead, He broadens our outlook. (Debbie Waldrep) We face a dark world, still. BUT we carry the light of Christ.

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.

He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.

Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;

For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.

In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.” (Psalm 91)

So we know GRACE is 1. transformative, but it is also 2. participatory. (Justin Fry) We need not let our seasons be excuses or reasons why we don't execute love. Love is His nature and your nature in Him! "Every thing Jesus teaches us can't be something we just receive from Him, it must be something we do for one another." (Margaret Reynolds) 

"That's what it means to participate in GRACE. To receiveand to give. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems impossible. And even when we must extend that GRACE to our enemies. GRACE can no longer be an excuse for us to live in unloving ways towards ourselves, others, creation, or even our enemies." (Fry)

(https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/grace-midtown-podcast/id1085165415?mt=2&i=378101891)

•"Bless and do not curse." (Romans 12:14)

•"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (1 John 4:11)

•"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, IN EVERYTHING give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thess. 5:16-18)

•"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith." (Gal. 6:9&10)

To ALL- even the wounded, bitter, angry, sad, hopeless and loss people. May they know and believe that "every plant which My Heavenly Father has not planted, will be uprooted." (-Jesus, Matthew 15:13)

God's Kingdom is at hand. "On earth as it is in Heaven." 

It is flourishing and it is blooming!🌸💐🌷🌺🌼

Thanks be to God for blessed HOPE (Titus 2)❤️

Dear Lord, thank You for Your Word each day. You are good to give us exactly what we need. We do not want to miss out on the present moment and the opportunities in our today by worrying about our tomorrows. You are making all things new and we want to be at peace with the process. Lord, fill every sister and brother with Your heart today. May we always seek You first to hear and see where You have gone before us. May we have the courage to follow You, to step out and be radical in Love- standing united with our brothers and sisters even if there is resistance. May we be quick to forgive, dropping every offense, by remembering the cost You paid on the cross. May we offer GRACE so freely. May we look to the lost with holy fire in our eyes. May they see His light shine. We are always growing and mending, but remind us that you never desire perfection. Your power lives inside us and You are faithful to equip us, even as we journey through the wilderness. When we are weak, You are strong! May we be salt and light. May we give what receive. Thank You, Lord. We love You! It's in Your name we pray, amen!

With Love💘,

-K